Friday, March 24, 2006

Listen all y'all it's a sabotage

I am an expert on the subject of sabotage. In high school, I could sabotage other people’s relationships to get the boy I wanted – yep – I was a boyfriend stealer. It was easy – I have this sixth sense when it comes to reading people’s intentions, and I put it to use. I can spot a cheater a mile away. So if I thought it might be fun, I’d use it to my advantage.

After a while, I let go of the boyfriend stealing. My relationships with girls were way more important than a fling with a guy (although I’d like to say for the record that I NEVER tried to steal a guy from a friend) and plus, come on – grow up.

So since I couldn’t in good conscience sabotage other people’s relationships, I started sabotaging my own. And I’ve become really good at it – so good, in fact, that most of the time? I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I attribute some of that to the fact that I tend to make certain decisions without thinking first. Don’t ask me to decide what restaurant to go to, because I can’t make a decision like that. But if it involves something I perceive as fun, well, the decision is made – the word “consequences” never crosses my mind.

So why do I do this? THAT is an excellent question. Maybe it’s because, as I mentioned, I have a little fear of commitment. Obviously I’m capable of it, as I have sustained long term relationships before, but as I get older and the prospect of being with one person rears it’s head, well, the fear sets in. Because I doubt myself. I doubt that I’ll make the right decision when it comes down to it. I’d like to THINK that I will, but really? I have a hard time making decisions about what to eat and what to wear. So long term, life altering things make me a little nerv -- uh, is it getting warm in here? Do you remember that scene in the original “Star Wars” where they’re in that room and the walls and ceilings start moving in on them? Is the room doing that RIGHT NOW?

See what I mean?

So. In lieu of risk, I choose sabotage. It’s safer that way. If I start to have feelings about someone that I think I can’t control, or that I’m certain couldn’t POSSIBLY be reciprocated, well, I’ll do something to push them away. They may not know it, it may seem like the opposite entirely because I’m tricky like that, but it generally works. Of course, it’s stupid of me, because the whole reason I pushed them away is because I wanted them closer, but hey, potato, potahto, right? Yes, I’m lame. Fully aware of that. I’ll stay at a job I hate because if I’m unhappy in my life, I have something to blame it on, rather than looking for what the REAL problem is. I keep most of the guys in my life in the “friends” category because it’s safe that way. And maybe the guys I’ve dated recently haven’t been total asses, but instead, it’s been me – I get so tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop that I drop it myself to avoid getting in deeper and having actual feelings about someone. And then I’ll pick unavailable guys so that I can tell myself that I’m totally moving forward and working towards a good relationship, when in actuality, I’m staying right where I’m at. Running for mayor of Safetown. Oh the ridiculousness of it is seemingly neverending. Other than that, I’m a total gem. You’d be lucky to have me.

Kendra said something yesterday that I keep thinking about. She said “Most girls die to hear ‘I love you’ from a guy. I would much rather hear ‘I love you – and I’ll be here for you no matter what’. It’s the ‘no matter what’ that’s important to me.”

So yeah. No matter what. I need someone who will see that my pushing them away isn’t for any other reason than self-protection and who will understand that. Because the truth is, my heart gets involved early on and so I have to spend the rest of the time on the defense. I’m good – I know I am. It just takes some effort to get past the initial layers is all.

16 comments:

dasi said...

You'll find him eventually. And I will, too (hopefully not the same guy, though!!). And in the meantime, I know it sucks - but keep reminding yourself that the worthwhile guys WOULD stick around - "no matter what" - so anyone who doesn't obviously isn't THE ONE.

Whinger said...

How many times did you have to spell-check "commitment," Miss Freudian Speller?

Cheryl said...

The right person will see all of that. And he'll get it. In the meantime, I can relate. If you're the Mayor of Safetown, I'm Deputy Mayor. But just think how well-spoken and well-written all the citizens will be!

Edge said...

I can't wait for you to meet the guy you think to yourself, "Oh, man, I am never going to screw this one up. He's too good to let go!"

~Jef

Sass said...

I'm having one of those days where i'm swearing off dating completely. GRRRRR. I got chills when i read the no matter what part.

Too true.

Hope said...

Everything I read on here today makes me want to post about the same thing. I was a boyfriend stealer too. When I met Jeff he had a girlfriend, and I had recently decided to stop being a boyfriend stealer. He thought I was just being a good girl by not helping him to cheat on his girlfriend, but really I didn't think my karma could take another hit.

Anyways, even now, in a committed relationship, I'm still trying to sabotage. It's a way of testing your limits. I know all too well what you're talkin' about.

Kendra said...

Man, my pearls of wisdom look so good in print. :) I'm surprised you were able to make out anything as I was choking back tears and heartbreak.

I don't know much, but I know that you're a smart girl and you won't sabotage the right relationship. And should you try to, he won't let you because he'll love you "no matter what". Just like I do.

Okie said...

At least you know what you want.

lil'bitty said...

One day a guy will come along and call you on your sabateur ways and basically tell you to find a real reason for killing the relationship. If you can come up with one, he will leave. At this point you will be utterly stymied and realize you can't find one real reason to destroy what you have. Then you get to pick out a dress and a new name. Until that guy comes along, think of yourself as a hot chicky-version of 007. Everyone else does. . . . except maybe for the 007 part.

Marissa said...

this is the story of my life, too! i sabatoge EVERY relationship (or even every prospect of a relationship) out of FEAR. i'm not exactly sure what i'm afraid of - although, like you, i'm definitely scared of making the wrong choice -but i think when it comes to committment and relationships i have more fears than i'm even aware of. well, at least we'll be together in our late-life singledom! haha - god forbid! :)

C. said...

Hey babe!! Yes, you do know what you want.. That's a good thing..: ) Hope you have a great weekend!

Mr. Fabulous said...

I'm with Lil'bitty. That guy is going to come along who is gonna call you on all the crap.

And then you will be impeached as mayor of Safetown.

You'll be City Manager of Commitmentville :)

Jill said...

I've done the same. The pushing away, the hoping he'll realize that it's because I want him closer... like the folks said, someone's gonna call you on the crap. It will be a beautiful day in Pre-Commitmentville.

Kyahgirl said...

mr. fabulous said it perfectly! hang in there A.

-J said...

Oh my God! I dated you. Well not you of course, but a woman just like you. Push me away because she wants me closer. God! Fear of commitment and abandonment and Miss Independence all rolled up into one small package. Bring on the pain.

-J said...

Oh, and to all those people that think meeting that one guy that you click with and feel totally in love with makes it easier ... it doesn't. Then you just worry more about losing that guy because he *is* that amazing.