I am an expert on the subject of sabotage. In high school, I could sabotage other people’s relationships to get the boy I wanted – yep – I was a boyfriend stealer. It was easy – I have this sixth sense when it comes to reading people’s intentions, and I put it to use. I can spot a cheater a mile away. So if I thought it might be fun, I’d use it to my advantage.
After a while, I let go of the boyfriend stealing. My relationships with girls were way more important than a fling with a guy (although I’d like to say for the record that I NEVER tried to steal a guy from a friend) and plus, come on – grow up.
So since I couldn’t in good conscience sabotage other people’s relationships, I started sabotaging my own. And I’ve become really good at it – so good, in fact, that most of the time? I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I attribute some of that to the fact that I tend to make certain decisions without thinking first. Don’t ask me to decide what restaurant to go to, because I can’t make a decision like that. But if it involves something I perceive as fun, well, the decision is made – the word “consequences” never crosses my mind.
So why do I do this? THAT is an excellent question. Maybe it’s because, as I mentioned, I have a little fear of commitment. Obviously I’m capable of it, as I have sustained long term relationships before, but as I get older and the prospect of being with one person rears it’s head, well, the fear sets in. Because I doubt myself. I doubt that I’ll make the right decision when it comes down to it. I’d like to THINK that I will, but really? I have a hard time making decisions about what to eat and what to wear. So long term, life altering things make me a little nerv -- uh, is it getting warm in here? Do you remember that scene in the original “Star Wars” where they’re in that room and the walls and ceilings start moving in on them? Is the room doing that RIGHT NOW?
See what I mean?
So. In lieu of risk, I choose sabotage. It’s safer that way. If I start to have feelings about someone that I think I can’t control, or that I’m certain couldn’t POSSIBLY be reciprocated, well, I’ll do something to push them away. They may not know it, it may seem like the opposite entirely because I’m tricky like that, but it generally works. Of course, it’s stupid of me, because the whole reason I pushed them away is because I wanted them closer, but hey, potato, potahto, right? Yes, I’m lame. Fully aware of that. I’ll stay at a job I hate because if I’m unhappy in my life, I have something to blame it on, rather than looking for what the REAL problem is. I keep most of the guys in my life in the “friends” category because it’s safe that way. And maybe the guys I’ve dated recently haven’t been total asses, but instead, it’s been me – I get so tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop that I drop it myself to avoid getting in deeper and having actual feelings about someone. And then I’ll pick unavailable guys so that I can tell myself that I’m totally moving forward and working towards a good relationship, when in actuality, I’m staying right where I’m at. Running for mayor of Safetown. Oh the ridiculousness of it is seemingly neverending. Other than that, I’m a total gem. You’d be lucky to have me.
Kendra said something yesterday that I keep thinking about. She said “Most girls die to hear ‘I love you’ from a guy. I would much rather hear ‘I love you – and I’ll be here for you no matter what’. It’s the ‘no matter what’ that’s important to me.”
So yeah. No matter what. I need someone who will see that my pushing them away isn’t for any other reason than self-protection and who will understand that. Because the truth is, my heart gets involved early on and so I have to spend the rest of the time on the defense. I’m good – I know I am. It just takes some effort to get past the initial layers is all.