Riggidy Rant

I am not an angry person by nature. I don't hold grudges (except for maybe in one or two cases) and usually when I get really mad, I'm over it practically before the last cuttingly sarcastic or cold as ice remark is out of my mouth. Either that or right after I indignantly hang up the phone.

Also, despite my fiery and scrappy Irish heritage (on my mom's side) and a bit of pure mean from elsewhere (everybody has at least one complete asshole they're unfortunately related to), I rarely ever get angry to the point of wanting to lose my mind and beat someone senseless. This is a good thing, don't you think? That I'm rarely homicidally angry? Ha.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty patient. I am understanding and empathetic and sympathetic. As I'm saying this, I bet you're thinking "ooooh...I know where this is going. We've been down this road before."

Yes we have. And I'm sure we'll traverse this road many more times in the future because Chris' ex? Makes me want to LOSE MY MIND. I get so angry when I see what she does and how it affects the girls. One of my biggest pet peeves is people with no common sense, and she is one of those people. To the nth degree. She's stupid and thoughtless and selfish beyond belief. She won't take responsibility for anything and expects that someone else will take care of it, because they always have. AND because everyone wants to make sure the girls are ok, so they enable her to continue making shitty decisions. Which I totally understand, but enrages me nonetheless. Can't make your unneccessarily exorbitant rent? Don't worry, dad will pay it. Can't pay day care? Chris will take care of it. Can't "afford" the shirts and pants that constitute Abby's school uniform? Not a big deal, Chris will pay for them, and you can just borrow them. Except for that last one - we paid for the uniforms and they stay with us. I let her borrow one because she couldn't "afford" to pay for any (and I don't want to punish Abby), but she gets no more. Because her bullshit about not having money is belied by all of the babysitters the girls have - I need to find out where she comes across all of these newfangled babysitters who don't charge while you go out to one of these newfangled places where food and bar tabs are also free.

I keep trying to feel better about this - I've tried ignoring it and trying to feel sorry for her, but because the situation adversely affects the girls in such obvious ways, I am failing at looking the other way. There have been very few, if any, times in memory that I have been this unbelievably angry. Livid. Enraged. Furious. Irate. So much so that I can physically feel it in my throat when I try to swallow the lump of fury and it makes me want to throw up.

Clearly, I need some serious suggestions about how to make my peace with this. So feel free to chime in. I'll just be over here hoping that flames don't shoot out of the top of my head and ruin the remodeling here at the office.

Book 'em

One of the things that has been really great about having the girls is that I get to introduce them to books and movies I loved when I was a kid.

I went to Barnes & Noble the other day to look for a book that Abby's school had recommended. They didn't have it, but that didn't stop me from buying $50 worth of OTHER books. What, I was just wandering around and I kept seeing cute books, and then I remembered some that I had liked as a kid, so I looked for those. And I found them. Seriously, what adult my age didn't read "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs"? Or "Miss Nelson is Missing"? I totally remember those, so of course I had to get them. The girls loved them, along with a NEW book about a little cat who thinks he's a crime fighting chihuahua.

Then I was at Office Depot yesterday waiting for my boss, and I saw a shelf of $10 movies, and what just happened to be on there? "The Neverending Story". So OF COURSE I HAD TO BUY IT. Beth and I used to love that movie as kids, and we even saw the horrible sequels. Of course we were cynical jr. high kids by the time the second one came out, and so we sat in the back of the theater giggling and providing a running commentary on how bad the movie was. However, it never diminished the greatness of the first movie, so I'm excited for the girls to see it. We also have "Annie" and "A Chipmunk Christmas", which the girls like.

Which brings me to my point. What books and movies do you remember loving as a kid?

Obligatory

I'm writing this because I feel like I should update you on the whole lot of nothing going on in my life! Pretty much the nothing that constitutes every day life, but uninteresting nonetheless.

Chris is out of town this week, and so it's just me and the ladies by ourselves. It's actually been really fun thus far - Abby started a new day care/preschool, and she's so much happier there - so much so that I no longer have to wrangle the angry pterodactyl in the morning. This morning (after sleeping with me last night, because daddy's gone and apparently that's what we DO) she actually got up when I did and took a shower with me. She let me blow dry her hair and then she sat in her robe eating a "gorilla bar" (that's "granola bar" to most people) while I got ready. She also critiqued my outfit and my hair. It's nice that a four year old thinks I'm not a snappy dresser and that my hair was messy. Lucky for me, she approved once I did my hair.

I had an interesting adventure last night - I met Chris' ex-sister-in-law. She lives overseas and was here for Christmas - and she and his ex are identical twins. She called Chris on Monday to ask if she could come to the house and visit the girls before she flew back home today. Even though Chris wasn't going to be there as my backup, I said yes - how could I not? I was glad she wanted to see the girls and they love her. She came over with one of her (and the ex's) friends, so while twin sister (who seemed nice) played with the girls, I sat and chatted with her friend. She was totally nice, so that made the evening less potentially awkward. What was helpful was some of the insights into the girls' home life when they're with their mom. Helpful - yes. Discouraging - yes. I think the bottom line is that their mom is SO unhappy and she just can't pull it together enough to make a happy (or at least not crazy and angry) home for them. But she also won't really get the help she needs. On the one hand, I really feel sorry for her. But on the other hand, I feel like she needs to stop being selfish and get help - if not for herself, then at least for the sake of her kids. But, I also know that it's not anything I can control, so the best thing I can do is make sure that when they're with us, the girls have a happy and loving home. Which I know they do, because Abby said to me the other day "I am happy all the time when I'm here", and she pretty much is. She has her fits (what with the being 4 and all), but she's a cheerful little thing the majority of the time. Plus, while she was snuggling with me last night, she kissed me and said "You're the best mommy ever" - which of course makes me feel good. How could it not, right? And I think Riley feels a lot calmer when she's here. She also has her fits, but for the most part, she is a really good girl. I'm glad, because I don't want to think about sending them back to a place where they feel anxious.

Aren't you glad I have nothing to write about, and yet can fill up paragraphs? Apparently that's how I roll when it's quiet at work and I have no adult to talk to at home. Ha.

Reflective

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Became a mom. THAT was an adventure. But a totally awesome one.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes – my friend (and Sally & Joe’s daughter) Mandy had a tiny 3lb. preemie baby girl named Stella. Hooray Stella!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My cousin Tony died in April

5. What countries did you visit?

None – we stayed in the U.S. for this year’s youth group trips

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
More discipline.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Meeting Riley and Abby for the first time in February, my friend Jacque’s wedding in May because it was such a fun party, Chris and I’s anniversary, and my November move to Castle Rock.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Realizing that I can take on the responsibility of co-parenting two little people and also being able to admit that sometimes I feel totally daunted by the enormousness of it all. But in the end, coming out on top.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not taking enough time to take care of myself. There seem to be so many other things to do and I just ignore my own health. As a result, I gained about 85 hojillion pounds this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had some stomach/gall bladder issues (and I feel like I’m an elderly complainer whenever I talk about it) that sort of resolved themselves after the doctors performed extensive and expensive tests and collectively decided that nothing was wrong with me. Despite the pain and whatnot. Three cheers for medical “technology”.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I suppose I didn’t actually purchase it, but paying for someone to clean for me is one of the best things ever.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Chris’. He lets me know every day how much he loves me and appreciates me, both by telling me and doing things to help out around the house. He’s been the bigger person in the co-parenting with the crazy ex, and just a really good father and sort-of-husband in general. I love him so much and I’m so happy to be with him! 


13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Chris’ ex wife. I am amazed every day that someone could be so selfish and self-centered and not really care about spending time with their kids. And can be so irresponsible with money that they can’t provide the important things for their kids, but can afford to go out with friends.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Things for the girls. Clothes and decorating their rooms and Christmas. Those little boogers grow out of their stuff so fast – good thing I don’t insist on dressing them in designer stuff. And thank god for Target.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Christmas. Moving in with Chris.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

1234 by Feist.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
 a) happier or sadder? 
b) thinner or fatter? 
c) richer or poorer?
Happier, definitely. Fatter, yup. Poorer – maybe a little in the money department, but richer in the happy department. And cheesier too!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Working out, taking time for myself, being outside.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying and stressing about pretty much everything.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family on a really snowy day

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Yep –with my sweet girls.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Law & Order: Criminal Intent or Family Guy

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Well, if we’re being honest, I kind of hate Chris’ ex. I sort of waffle between pity and anger – I can’t really say I truly hate her as I think I've acively hated only one person my whole life, but she sure makes me angry. I am going to have to make my peace with all of those feelings, because I am determined to do right by the girls and to be the better person in the situation.

24. What was the best book you read?

Harry Potter made me stay up all night, but I also just finished “T is for Trespass”, which was also really good.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Brandi Carlile. I wasn’t sure I liked her at first, but now I totally do.


26. What did you want and get?

I wanted renters for my condo and I got that

27. What did you want and not get?

A million dollars? I have everything I want pretty much. And if I don’t, I go and buy it.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

Live Free or Die Hard was fun to watch. I pretty much prefer t.v. to movies, but Chris is a movie guy, so I could probably answer this better next year.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31 and went bowling with my best friends. It was great.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I don’t know – it was a pretty awesome year

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Jeans. That has been my fashion concept for years and probably will be forever.

32. What kept you sane?

Besides medication? And wine? Sometimes at the same time? Ha - kidding. Probably the fact that Chris and I don’t take life too seriously and spend a lot of time laughing and being silly.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Christian Bale. Always.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I try never to pay attention to political issues and here’s why – there’s no winning. When Benazir Bhutto was assassinated, the pundits were like “why didn’t the U.S. do more to help Pakistan?” These are the same people who are like “The U.S. needs to mind our own business and stay out of foreign policy.” Shut up. Politics sucks.

35. Who did you miss?

P.I.C. and our many adventures and Croatia Chris and our long IM sessions

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Not a new person, but I reconnected with one of my good friends from elementary school and I’m so glad! Yay Veronica!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

Let it go. Whatever “it” happens to be at the time, most of the time it’s not worth the grief and the energy it takes to hold on. It's a work in progress...

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“Our lives are made in these small hours, these little wonders, these twists & turns of fate; Time falls away, but these small hours, these small hours still remain.” - Rob Thomas

It reminds me that life is so short and time passes so quickly, so I need to remember to enjoy the moments and not get lost in the big picture.