Sunday, July 30, 2006

I'm telling you, there is a CODE

Ok, so this is a story about one of my girls. We’ll call her Em.

Em is a quiet and shy girl. She’s super smart and cute and she totally loves and values her friends. She looks for the best in people, especially her friends, which is where the trouble came about in this situation.

Em’s best friend is named Bee (as in “bee-otch” – but I’m not biased). I have never met Bee, but from everything Em has told me about her, she’s one of those girls who doesn’t know how to be a good friend. The reason I think this is that from the beginning, she’s ignored THE CODE. This is the code that says you never EVER try to steal a boy from a friend. You just don’t. But see, Bee just ignores that code and has tried since day one to sneakily steal the boy Em likes and has been dating – let’s call him Ken. Bee would constantly hang out with Em and Ken, which was fine in the beginning until Em got over her initial fear of dating Ken – he was her first boyfriend. But Bee would also say things to Em about how she thought Ken was so cute and she liked him and blah blah blah. What? You don’t tell your “best friend” that the guy she’s dating is hot and you want to go out with him. Anyway.

Recently, Em found out that Bee and Ken have been hooking up. Not just “oops, we accidentally drank too much and made out once” but “we hadn’t been drinking at all and it was on multiple occasions”. And it wasn’t just a kiss here and there. It wasn’t sex, but it was going in that direction big time. The way Em found out is that she asked Bee one day and Bee admitted it. She said she felt really guilty and all of that bullshit that people say when they don’t feel guilty at all about the act, they just feel guilty that they got caught.

Em is telling me this story and I’m like “so you’re no longer friends with her OR dating him, right?” And she’s like “I forgave them”. And I about lost my mind right there. She is still “best friends” with Bee and still dating Ken. She keeps telling me things like “they haven’t done it again”, which is when I point out that she doesn’t KNOW they haven’t done it again, and she says “Bee would tell me” and I was like “yes, because she was so honest and straightforward about it the FIRST few times.” We’ve gone in circles about this for a few weeks now, with me (and our other friend Mollie) telling Em that she has GOT to get rid of these two. Because here’s the other thing. Em is going back up to college next month, and Bee and Ken will both be going to college here. They work together and they obviously hang out together. So really, the logical conclusion is that they’ll most likely hook it up again, if they even stopped in the first place.

I could go on about this forever, because even though I’ve been known to steal a few boyfriends in my day, I would never EVER do that to a friend. My friends are way too important to me to risk ending a friendship over a boy who I’m most likely not going to marry. It just isn’t done. The thing that makes me extra crazy about this situation is that I’m really protective of Em. She’s only 18, and it’s a really naïve 18. That’s not a bad thing at all, except for when it comes to letting people walk all over you. Life is too short to keep people in your life who don’t know or even care how to be a friend. There’s no reason to let manipulative bitches and weak-ass boys have a free pass to continue to do what they feel like doing with no respect for you or regard for your feelings. Em is too young to start this pattern of relationships with men who treat her badly and “friends” who will screw her over given the opportunity. This is a learning experience for her, and the thing about learning experiences is that you have to LEARN and then MOVE ON. That means leaving people who claim to love you and claim to respect you and care for you, but who are really just about what they want in the dust.

Mollie and I have talked until we’re blue in the face about this and how even though it’s a really difficult thing to end a relationship and to end a friendship, in the long run, it’s so much better for Em, because she needs to watch out for herself and to surround herself with people who actually DO love and respect and care for her and who show that by being loyal.

SO, commenters. Tell Em what you think. Should she forgive Bee and Ken and continue dating him and being best friends with her? Or should she kick them both to the curb? Mollie and I of course believe that a swift ass kicking straight to curbville is in order, but we also decided to put it to you guys as well.

Opine away…


Janet said...

Dear Em,

You cannot babysit these two anymore. It's not justified. If you opt to continue putting up with their immaturity, start charging by the hour.


Whinger said...

Bye bye to both.

It'll be awkward at first to run into them, and there's no saying you can't be friends (not BEST friends, but friends) with either of them. Be civil, but don't go trusting your heart.

Perhaps at a later time, Ken will be a great boyfriend and Bee will be a good friend, but NOW is not that time.

Take some time. Get some perspective on both of them. Keep busy.

P.S. Kudos to forgiving, but don't take it to a point where you get taken advantage of. My father, the cliche-quoter, is fond of, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Antonio said...

I don't think she should kick them to the curb. I think she should pour scalding hot coffee on both of them and THEN kick them to the curb.

Sandra Dee said...

I think Em is afraid of hurting their feelings so she opts to get walked all over by them instead.

Leave the assholes alone.

Heart Of Darkness said...

I've had a few people abusing the Code on me - demanding I am a good friend, then turning around and doing the absolute opposite on me. You've got to know when to let go - cut your losses and move on. People preying on you and your kindness (in this case Em's kindness) aren't worth it at all.

partygirljessica said...

I've always respected The Code and so far my girl friends have too. There are a lot of guys at webdate and there is one for us each so that won't be really a problem.

The Husband said...

she needs to say goodbye to both of them.

Edge said...

We all realize that Em ( we really should call her Doormat ) should drop these two. That's well established.

What would be better for us to realize is that Em will never drop these two unless it's her idea. Em needs to fail and fail misserably at this to learn about healthy relationships and boundaries.

It would be better to approach Em with ideas about healthy behavior and boundaries as options ( I suggest Townsend and Cloud's "Boundaries" to read ).

Em probably needs to hear her options and the effects of her options. "Em, if you keep seeing Ken, he will keep seeing Bee while you are gone and that is a choice they can make. Is that the kind of person you want to give your intimate feelings to or do you think there is another guy that you could see that respects your relationship? Is that an option?"

People like Em don't usually see how it's hurting them because they expect the relationship to be that way and never understand how a good relationship SHOULD be.

A good exercise is to have Em make a list of all the characteristics she REALLY wants in a guy and then compare them to Ken or any man for that matter. The good ones have 100% of the characteristics. The bad ones you move on from.

I thought you were going to say you were Ken or something plot-twisting like that!


Hope said...

I'm wondering what Ken had to say about all this. Was he apologetic and begging for forgiveness? Or was he just shrugging his shoulders and saying, "Yup, it happened?" Because that's how it sounds like Bee acted. In either case I'd drop both of them, but I'd probably drop-kick them both to the face if they were unapologetic about it.

I had a friend in college who was sort of similar, she never went so far (that I know of) to hook up with anyone I was dating, but she loved leftovers, and as soon as I was done dating a guy she'd be all about flirting and throwing herself at him. I just laughed because she was getting my sloppy seconds and clearly the guy wasn't any good if I wasn't dating him anymore.

-J said...

It's hard for me to say because I don't know any of the people in this situation.

However, I (as a man) happen to love Em's gullibitlity and can only hope there are more like her out there. :-) Except, I could never be with a woman (long term) that didn't respect herself.

d. said...

boyfriends who cheat with best friends become husbands who cheat with best friends. it's better to cut the losses before the stakes get higher.

Chief Slacker said...

It's all about respect, and neither of them are giving it to you. You can't have a good relationship without respect for each other, be it friends, dating or marriage. The definition of respect is "The state of being regarded with honor or esteem." Cheating on you definitely doesn't fall into that category. It might be hard to let go of that first relationship and what may have been a good friendship, but the respect is gone form both and neither are worthy of your respect anymore. As Jef said, don't let yoruself be a doormat.

Sass said...

This is almost even to cliche for me but f'it cause it's almost five pm here but, "once a cheater...always a cheater"

It's like she's bringin sand to the beach - she knows what she's in for.

Linda said...

Dear Em - Friends are forever, guys aren't. In this case, neither one of these people are doing you or your self-esteem any good.

Dear Amber and Mollie - She's only 18. This will not be the last time she learns from a situation that sucks. It's just one of those life lessons that we ALL have lived through...figuring out who is worthy and who is not. It takes some people longer than others.

dorkus andronicus said...

clearly none of the parties give a geopolitical shit about global warming. beliedat.

Romeo Jensen said...

Okay first off... exactly how cute are we talking here?

I mean... are we talking Romey sells his Pokemon card collection and back issuses of Maxim to scrape together a ticket to Denver... cute?

Okay... so like this code thing...
Don't let this shock you but... I'd say about 100% of the girls I've dated... with best friends... tried to get jiggy with me at some point or another!

That's like almost all of them!

Now here's the dealeoooo miss so called Em (Is that short for Doris?) I didn't 'Hit It' with any of them!

That's just soooooo wrong!

It has been my experience in life (and let's face it Doris... I'm 23... I've learned ALL there is to know)... it's been my experience... that Frogs don't change their warts...

wait... No... that's Leopards don't change their warts (boy... I almost looked really dumb their didn't I?)

It's kinda like Paris Hilton and that Nicole 'the stick' Ritchie chick... ummmm... okay I was going somewhere with this but i got distracted...

Anyway... Doris... in the end you're going to do... what you're going to do! It's great that you have Christian Love in your heart to forgive... Christ taught us that when a man (or best girlfriend) strikes us on our right cheek... we should give him/her the other.

Strange verbage... most peeps just stop at the 'give them the other' part and don't look at the words Jesus chose... the right cheek!

Think about it... in order for someone to strike your RIGHT cheek... they need to use the Back of their hand 'cause 75% of the world is Right handed... you following?

Soooooo... if I give you my other cheek... basically... in order for you to Hit me again... I wont be so foolish to just trust your butt! I'm gunna be looking for it so you wont be able to hit me with a Back handed slap the next time!

In other words... Christ wasn't saying... hey Hit me again! No... clearly He meant that I forgive you... BUT... now I know what you are capable of doing... so I'm watching for that 'Right' Hand of yours... Jerk Face! (Okay Christ didn't actually say Jerk Face... I added that)

And what does that say about someone who gives you the 'Back of Her/His Hand?'

Okay... sermon over... now excuse me while I go break a couple commandments (starting by back clicking and checking Amber's pic again and having impure thoughts)

Alice said...

Em: i used to be just like you. it took me until i was about 24 to realize that just because someone said they were my "friend," or had historically been my "friend," didn't mean i HAD to stick by them or give them my time. someone saying they are your friend does not create a bond that you have to honor. BEING a good friend does. it may take a while, but you'll figure out sooner or later that life is too short to waste time on "friends" who don't contribute anything to a friendship. good luck.. also kick them both in the face for me, kay? :-)

Woodrow said...

So, Amber. What your saying is, you WOULD steal one of your friend's boyfriends if you thought he was going to be your husband? Now that takes thievery to a whole new level.

I'm with you and Molls. Poor thing doesn't know any better. Too young and innocent. She needs to listen to big sis Amber.

Amanda said...

i agree with you. some friendships are poisoness and it's better, though exceedingly difficult, to clear away the clutter and get that negativity out of your life. it just helps you breathe easier in the long run.

Amy said...

I think that while Em is away at college she has every opportunity to meet a much better best friend and a much better boyfriend.

Don't let them hold you back from doing just that.

Live and learn. You'll eventually see that what they did to you is not okay, and not something to shrug off.

Stephanie said...

Hey Amber! Long time no talk!

Would you mind stopping by my site when you get a chance? I just put up a time sensitive post about my upcoming missions trip to Jamaica in regards to fundraising and prayer support.

Thank you so much, and may God bless you today!!


Spaceman Spiff said...

The Friend code clearly states in section 02146 The Significant Other, part A Item 6 "At no time is it allowable to pursue the friends partner"(mild flirting is allowable). Item 12 states "No intimate physical contact is ever allowable." (this refers you to the definition of terms in Appendix B defining intimate contact as any contact deemed inappropriate to perform in front of the friend or your mother.

Additionally, in Section 03459, Part B, The EX, it states that "at least one degree of separation must exist between both parties before you can pursue the friend's EX and then only with their permission. 3 degrees of separation must exist before permission is waivable." Again the definition of terms says a degree of separation is one person between when the friend was dating them and now. Includes the friend, so both the ex and the friend have to have dated and broken up with someone else.

Both Violations are adequate for Friend Expulsion (section 06589 part D). The sections are different, but the boyfriend handbook has similar rules in it too. So tell Em to kick them both to the curb. I can check stuff to see how it matches the Code for 2007 if you need the latest revision. I am on the editing team so I get a copy way before the new version goes into print.

Mr. Fabulous said...

She has got to cut them loose now. It may be painful, but if she doesn't she is setting herself up for a much bigger heartache down the line.

Cheryl said...

Bee and Ken sound like they are only being toxic people in Em's life. It can be hard to leave them behind, but necessary. Em deserves to be treated way better than either of them are treating her. It won't make her a bad person, just a loving person, as in she loves herself enough to not take that kind of treatment.

dasi said...

Sorry I'm so late - but everyone else seems to have said what I would've!! 18 is soooooo young... obviously, she SHOULD kick them to the curb, but she'll do whatever she wants and learn from it eventually. When she's ancient like us (well, like me, actually!) she'll look back and wonder how she could've been so naive. I think it's all a part of the growing process.

Rachel said...

Kick Ken & Bee to the curb. Doesn't sound like either one is worthy of keeping around. IMHO.