Thursday, January 21, 2010

Ode to Pregnancy

I'm back! Twice in one week - don't get used to it. Anyhow, to answer your questions Alice, YES, I am indeed pregnant, and NO, you didn't really miss anything because I didn't blog at all in 2009.

So, since we're on the subject and all, let's talk about how pregnancy isn't at all what I expected. Actually, I'm not sure what I thought it would be like, but no one ever told me how one day I would be walking around all normal, and the next day I would lose total control of my body for the next 10 months. Isn't pregnancy supposed to be rainbows and magic and puppies and whatever?

Because I'm awesome, the way I found out I was pregnant was because I thought I had a really terrible hangover. I woke up one morning after a "girls night out" and I felt AWFUL. Which was a little surprising, since I hadn't really drank THAT much the night before, but I felt nauseous and had heartburn and just blech. I didn't think much about it, but when the nausea continued and all I wanted to eat were mashed potatoes and gravy, well, I started to get suspicious. Two weeks later, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. That's when the fun started.

Oh, I had morning sickness alright. And afternoon sickness and evening sickness as well. I haven't eaten fish since I got pregnant because the smell is too terrible. For about the first 3 months, Chris either had to cook with me supervising from a distance, or he had to bring something home. Rolling waves of nausea all the time and the fact that I would pretty much throw up whatever I ate made eating a challenge. Allegedly this would stop after the first 12 weeks. HA. It lasted for 5 months - and there are still days when I eat something and then get violently ill later. TMI? Probably. It was actually sort of amusing sometimes (you know, looking back) because many mornings I would lay in bed and just gag. For no reason. I couldn't even talk about food without gagging and PLEASE cats, do not breathe on me with your cat food breath. WHERE ARE THE RAINBOWS?

Also, everyone in the world wears way too much perfume when you're pregnant. Because he's a cowboy, Kid Rock can smell a pig from a mile away, however, since I'm pregnant, I can smell EVERYTHING from a mile away. At least I'm to the point now where I won't start gagging immediately. Usually.

Okay, so we made it past the first trimester, which was good, because I could start to ease up on my constant worrying about miscarrying. It seemed like a month was a really long time to go between doctor's appointments because I had to wait that long to hear the heartbeat and it always made me feel better. Because the worrying was constant. I can already tell I'm going to be THAT parent.

Second trimester rolled around and I started wearing maternity clothes. I pretty much love that. Who doesn't love stretchy waist pants? Although I will say that it has been hard to find reasonably priced maternity tops that aren't FUGLY. Seriously, maternity designers. It's bad enough that your stomach and boobs and various other body parts are changing shape and getting larger by the second - please don't make me wear ugly-ass prints and clingy fabric and unflattering necklines. Luckily Old Navy has good clothes, as does the maternity outlet store by my house. Because I'm at the point now where my long sleeve t shirts barely fit, much less cover my stomach. And I do have to leave the house now and then. I was still pretty barfy until a couple of weeks ago, but it's getting better. At least there's now a less than 50% chance I'll throw up what I ate most of the time.

So. Exit the barfies, enter the heartburn. OH. MY. GOD. THE. PAIN. (Can you tell how great I'm going to be in childbirth if I think heartburn is going to kill me? This is going to be good.) I have never had problems with heartburn, so this is new to me. And because of the nausea, I wasn't about to eat the disgusting chalky Tums - bad going down, probably worse on the return trip. So I drank a lot of milk. Which occasionally helped, but seriously - this was some really wicked heartburn. Finally like 2 weeks ago, my dr. told me I could take Zantac, which has made my life so much better. I try not to take it every day, but it helps a ton. Excuse me, pregnancy? HEARTBURN IS NOT PUPPIES. WHERE ARE THE PUPPIES?

I'm getting to the point now where I can almost not see my feet. And that I have to be careful when cooking not to burn my belly on the stove. My booth-sitting days at restaurants are almost over, and navigating through smallish spaces without knocking something over with my stomach gets trickier all the time. It also makes it difficult to get up from laying down. Being in bed and having to change positions or get up in the night for the millionth time to pee is really difficult. My hips hurt and my back hurts and I need pillows propping me up and supporting me in various places in order to get sort of comfortable. I usually sleep on my stomach, but clearly that's out, so I've had to adjust to sleeping on my side. I actually rarely sleep well, because with all of the flopping around like a fish I do to get OUT of bed, coupled with the squirreling around I have to do to get comfortable when I get back IN bed, well, it wakes a person up. I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE RAINBOWS.

So. Even though all of this sounds horribly negative and it seems like I'm not thrilled to be pregnant, that's not true at all. I am definitely thrilled. I am really excited to meet this little tiny person when she comes out in April. Maybe the puppies and the rainbows aren't showing up, but there is definitely magic. I am amazed at what the human body is capable of - making another human inside. It's crazy. And that that little bundle is capable of controlling how you feel - probably for the rest of your life. We saw on an ultrasound about 2 months ago that we're having a little girl, and everyone is so excited. The girls are so cute and looking forward to a sister. They always pat my stomach and say goodnight to the baby or goodbye when they leave. Abby's head is right about stomach level, so sometimes she gives my stomach a kiss. It's really sweet. And though Chris really wanted a boy, he's happy to have another little girl that will love him SO much, just like his little girls do right now. I'm happy to have a girl, because girls and their moms have special relationships, and it will be fun to have a friend like my mom has me for a friend. Oh, and don't get me started on how funny my mom is about her first grandchild. My parents are really excited.

So yeah. The physical parts of pregnancy aren't always the best, BUT. Once you feel that little person swimming around and kicking in there, it makes all the lame stuff way less lame, and you know for sure that it's TOTALLY going to be worth it in the end.


Supersalwa said...

Just came across your blog, you're a funny writer :). Congratulations on being pregnant...I'm sure all the rainbows and butterflies will appear when you meet your little girl!

Alice said...

oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my GOODNESS!!! this is so exciting! CONGRATULATIONS!!! (i don't think i mentioned that before? i was still in shock from seeing your feed pop up in my reader!)

DUDE THIS IS AWESOME. i'm so happy for you guys. and while i haven't technically been pregnant myself, i can't tell you how crazy i find it that we're capable of *growing a whole person* inside our bellies. like, a person that will soon be living, on its own, outside your stomach. that's just CRAZY. (and awesome.)


and keep blogging, ok?? :-)

Whinger said...

Please send this to every school system to be read to all teenagers considering having un-safe sex.

So sorry you're having a rough time of it. Have you experienced the phenomenon of people telling you their crazy scary birth stories?

Swistle said...


Pregnancy mostly sucks for me, too. But clearly I think it's worth it!

Jenn Darlin' said...

Oh wow! CONGRATULATIONS!! How freakin' awesome. My little guy is already gonna be 12 this year! Yes, I said 12. I'm pretty sure the last time you read a post about him he was like 6. IF that.

So glad to hear you're doing great, mama! Great post. Thanks for the laughs and the memories! My smelling senses were gnarly when I was pregnant, too so I feel your pain. Only it wasn't kitty breath, it was PUPPY! My ex used to let him in the house and I'd be upstairs and still smell him and there I went, off to the porcelain god. And that's when you could hear my ex laughing. Yeah, real funny!