Monday, April 17, 2006

Birthday part the first: The Narrative

Ok. So as you may or may not have guessed by now, my birthday was on Saturday. I turned thirty, and I’d been kind of dreading it. I mean, 30. That’s OLD. Ha. Not really, but the truth of the matter is that I just didn’t feel like I was in a 30ish sort of place. I have this card that pretty much sums it up: “Everyone my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise.” It’s true. It’s a good disguise though.

Saturday night, I was going out with Kendra, Karen, John, Jeff, Robin, P.I.C and The Bad Cop. We had dinner reservations at 8 and were meeting at P.I.C.’s before walking to the restaurant. We were then heading out to the Celtic Tavern later for further drinking. And thanks to my personal shopper (Kendra) I looked cute and very non-Ann Taylor. So I have on my kicky wedgy sandals and I’m walking across the parking lot to P.I.C.’s building and I step off the side of my shoe. Ever so gracefully, I stumble and hear something crack, but I’ve done that before and been fine, so I ignored it and went inside. It hurt, so I put some ice on it before we left. No biggie.

We had the best dinner. It was delicious and replete with inappropriate conversation. In fact, I’m certain that we didn’t have one remotely appropriate conversation the whole evening. Topics included how to properly eat a crawfish (squeeze the tail and suck the head – dirrrty) and how they resemble lobster and how our waiter mentioned he knew some girls who could suck the meat out of a lobster just as easy as a crawfish. Heh. Also included was a really lengthy debate on the reaction of asparagus to the human body, and, um, various fluids. Seriously. VERY LENGTHY. Thank god we were in a private room away from people who might not have wanted to hear about either of those topics or about who is hooking up with who and how. I’m telling you – not for the faint of heart.

Our dinner was a good three hours – leisurely and hilarious and alcohol-tastic. Which of course meant a trip to the bathroom. Which is downstairs in the restaurant. I got up and wanted to scream from the pain in my foot, but kept on going. Oh. The. Pain. But I wasn’t about to wuss out and call it a night. We headed to the Celtic, and by this time it hurt too much to wear shoes and so I’m walking barefoot downtown. Nice. We hung out there until closing, at which time, The Bad Cop went and got the car to drive us the 4 or 5 blocks back to P.I.C.’s house because I was NOT walking. Not because I didn’t want to, I just couldn’t. OH. THE. PAIN. However, since Kendra was carrying my shoes, I was able to smuggle my vodka & soda out of the restaurant in my purse. I have my priorities you know.

I crashed at P.I.C.’s until I woke up feeling really nauseous from the pain. I got up and hobbled to my car – it was 5:30 a.m., still dark, I didn’t have shoes on and couldn’t run if I wanted to, and my cell was dead. I was thinking “this is a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.” Luckily, I got to the car with no problems except the pain in my foot with every step. You know, the kind of pain that makes you want to pass out so that you can stop the inner screaming. I crawled from my door to the couch and went to sleep.

After breaking down and crying, I had my mom come and take me to the urgent care place, where I got x-rays. Yep. Broken foot. My fifth metatarsal (or outside bone on my right foot) is broken all the way through. And now, Alice? I also have a fashionable boot. Ridiculous. I’m going to look like an idiot in Vegas. I told the intern at the clinic that I was on the lam from the cops and they were shooting at me, so I dove to avoid the bullets and broke my foot. He laughed. At least I can still be HI-larious while also in pain, right?

The good news is, since my job is ending in two weeks, I no longer have to go. They’re bringing me my computer so I can “work” from home. Nice. I have some good painkillers, but they knock me out. P.I.C. is bringing me “The Sopranos” on DVD and The Bad Cop is bringing over movies so that we can drool and zone all day long. The bad news is, I had Peeps for breakfast because they were the only thing I didn’t have to get up to get. Kendra helped me make my bed last night and Dan brought me dinner. I’m not totally helpless, but given the choice between putting any weight on my foot at all or not eating, I choose not eating.

So yes. I can’t believe I broke my foot. I’ve never broken a major bone before. However, the OCD in me is pleased that it was EXACTLY 30 years before I first broke something. So sad.

Happy birthday to me!!! And we did take pictures, so those are forthcoming...

26 comments:

Jill said...

Ouch. You poor thing. But now I'm glad I haven't posted Amber's Official Birthday Greetings yet, because I can work this in. Relax, enjoy the pain killers, stay off your foot, feel better soon.

Peeps for breakfast? Awesome.

Effect of asparagus on certain bodily fluids? Not so awesome.

Adam said...

Happy 30th. Its all down hill from there. How are your knitting skills?

Janet said...

I haven't broken a bone yet either. If I can wait until my thirtieth birthday... that would be fantastic.

And...teehee... your friends sound like mine. Bodily fluilds. Seriously.

Sass said...

You're my new favorite rock star

Hope said...

I've never broken a bone either. It's amazing you made it all through your childhood and all through every other drunken night only to break it while walking, completely sober (I'm assuming), down the street.

Good job pulling a Britney Spears, walking around downtown with no shoes on too. You're a class act!

And I'm now considering breaking my foot too, just so I can work from home.

The Husband said...

dear reckless mcstumbles....

happy birthday. glad you were able to play through the pain. that is a sign of a true party warrior.

-J said...

I think you should have podcasted your birthday celebration.

I hope you feel better soon. Oh and some yogurts can help with odors....

Alice said...

i technically haven't broken a bone yet (at 25).. i'm not sure if the doctor breaking my foot counts, because it's not like that was an accident.

my mom, who is a food writer/ restaurant critic/ general foodie? once went to some symposium where they actually TESTED the asparagus thing. like, with their own bodily fluids. at foodie symposium. where they sat around smelling other people's pee. seriously.

Sandra Dee said...

WHAAA?! Why didn't you TELL us it was your birrrrfday?! 30 is a milestone, too!

I'm mad at you. :)

dasi said...

I cannot believe you actually broke your foot! Wait a minute, yes, I can. What a way to celebrate! And seriously, it will come in handy in Vegas, just think of it - good conversation starter, and you'll probably get lots of sympathy drinks from bartenders and cute boys!! And AGAIN - Happy Birthday!!!!

Kiki said...

I'm a little late on this, but Happy Birthdy Honey!!!!!
I'm sending lots and lots of love from the Osh.

Kendra said...

Oh kids, if only you all could have been there to see her put on a brave face and drink through the pain. She was such a brave little toaster. :) And watching her smuggle the drink out of the bar? Well that was just priceless.

Amanda said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
YAY!
xoxo

lil'bitty said...

If you put peeps in the microwave for a good 20 seconds or so they swell up to 10 times their normal size. If you cook them too long they explode and make a peep mess in the microwave. Very entertaining!

Cheryl said...

I am glad your birthday celebration was fun. I am sorry you broke your foot, and on your birthday at that. You are definitely a trooper! I couldn't have done it, although the alcohol definitely helps dull it.

Feel better soon. Were I in Denver, I'd bring you some food too.

Marissa said...

I am SO impressed with you!! You went an ENTIRE night with a broken foot and kept to your priorities --heavy drinking and birthday fun! That a girl! :) Haha. I feel so terrible for you - what an awful thing to happen to you on your bday celebration! But you really are quite the trooper - I admire that A LOT! I hope that foot heals fast!!!!!!!! And sending you even more bday hugs and wishes!! xoxo

dorkus andronicus said...

vicodin: it's what's for dinner.

Whinger said...

I believe I will need pictures of the alleged shoes that caused all this rigamarole.

Not that I'm one to exploit the handicapped or anything, but do you think we'll get to go to the front of the line at clubs what with you in a wheelchair and all?

Oh look. I AM one to exploit the handicapped. It's not like I'm stealing parking spaces or anything.

Sandra said...

Bah, 30 is the new 20. We don't age like our ancestors did. And we take better care of our skin. You have MANY YEARS of hotness still ahead.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I'm lucky, 44 and so far have not broken a single bone.

Look at it this way, you will ALWAYS remember your 30th birthday!

C. said...

happy birthday suga!!!!

C.

beckibee said...

We will have to have one of those buff Caesers Palace guys carry you around town!

Jon said...

Happy Birthday Amber!!!!

Timmortal said...

Happy Birthday Methusala!!

star firstbaseman said...

You poor thing :) I broke my foot last July and it was crazy painful - I can commiserate!

allison said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!!