Wednesday, April 12, 2006

J-E-L-L-O

I’m not an athlete. I’ve never BEEN an athlete. I am pretty uncoordinated – in fact, judging from the number of huge, dark bruises on my legs right now, I might go so far as to say VERY uncoordinated.

I’m an ace at shooting baskets, but don’t ask me to run and dribble at the same time. Just don’t. I can ice skate, roller skate and rollerblade; I can ski, mountain bike and hike. I choose not to rock climb because I’d rather not fall to my death into a large crevasse. I can kayak, and I like to, but am too big of a wuss to try navigating rough water. Which is strange, because I love the water. I’m a fast swimmer and I’m good at it. Probably because there’s no danger of falling down.

I have a love/hate relationship with running. I love it, but when faced with putting on my shoes and actually moving, I hate it. Walking is too slow, and the elliptical works, but running is my thing. It doesn’t require a lot of coordination – just don’t fall off the treadmill or if you’re outside, run into other people. Simple. I can handle that.

So with that in mind, Mandy and I decided to go see a personal trainer. It’s someone Mandy’s seen a lot before, and she really likes her, so today I went for my first session. It was awesome – she’s totally nice and put me through an hour of weights, working me hard and focusing on my legs. I didn’t feel like we overdid it, she pushed me, but it was fine.

Until I had to walk. “HA!” my legs said. “You really think we’re going to carry you anywhere? THINK AGAIN!!” The gym is in the basement of this house, and so in order to get to it, you have to walk around the side of the house and down into the backyard. Which means walking up the hill to leave. I asked Mandy if she’d pull the car down to the door. She said no. I was only half-kidding, whereas she was totally laughing.

Have you ever seen “Men in Black”? You know when the alien takes over Vincent D’Onofrio’s body and he lurches around all the time because he’s not used to it? That’s how I felt. I had to walk carefully so that my legs, which somehow turned to jello between the gym and Mandy’s house, wouldn’t just stop working and pitch me face first into the grass where I would lay until someone took pity on me and carried me the final three feet to my car.

I know I’m prone to exaggeration, but I’m totally not kidding. I was contemplating getting to my front door – which is up a flight of stairs – and I actually thought “well, if all else fails, I can crawl on my hands and knees.” That’s just sad. I’m now sitting on my bed, wondering if I can just stay here indefinitely. I got up to answer the phone, which was in the other room, and my legs were like “Hey! What did we tell you about moving quickly? NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.” Damn.

Yes, yes. No pain, no gain. And I’m not complaining about the workout – it was awesome and I love to feel muscle soreness from lifting weights. It’s the staggering around like a drunk thing I have issues with. Especially since I have a job interview this afternoon and I don’t want them to be like “She’s either got a horrible problem with her balance and equilibrium, or she’s tanked. Can’t hire her.” Boooo.


Now. I wonder if I can roll from my bedroom to the kitchen. I’m kind of thirsty.

25 comments:

Whinger said...

Sad, but true story: When I started lifting weights again, I seriously considered not having any fluids because sitting down at the toilet hurt soooooooo much.

The Husband said...

glad to see you are hitting the gym. good luck on your interview!

dasi said...

You mean the Inspector won't bring you something to drink??? Unreal!! I know what you mean (and how you feel). I, too, tried the personal trainer route once (and would you believe paid an EXORBITANT amount of money) and wound up whimpering in pain and giving up workouts altogether until about a year ago. Good luck to you – don’t wuss out like I did!! ;)

Kristen said...

I laughed so hard........sorry. I feel your pain though. Good for you for exercising

liberalbanana said...

I vaguely know the feeling you speak of but since it's been about, um, a year since I had a good workout, I may indeed be comfusing it with being drunk.

Good luck with that. :)

liberalbanana said...

Der, CONFUSING. Not COMfusing. (That sounds a bit sexual, no? Like some sort of orgasmic linkage of two people who become fused together by the love juice?)

Me need a nap.

Hope said...

Ha, this totally happened to me a few weeks ago. I went to the gym and lifted 50 pounds with my legs, while Jeff's sitting next to me lifting like 300. Then for the next two days I could barely walk. My quadriceps were so sore my knees would just lock up when I walked. I looked like I was walking around with a stick up my butt. On that note, good luck with working out!

C. said...

No pain, No gain babe!!! I think you look wonderful ;) How much better can it get?

C.

Adam said...

Exactly the reason I avoid the gym. Those weights are too heavy. Thanks for the reminder!

Kendra said...

You'd better stretch before we go dancing at Rain next week. Wouldn't want you pulling a hammie or anything like that!

Cheryl said...

I am completely familiar with the Jello effect and how it is both exhilerating and debilitating so in a sense it's irritating. Ok, I need to stop "-ating" now.

beckibee said...

After I started doing weights, I walked around with the "ow ow ow" mantra. Try it! It's fun!

Amanda said...

like, cheryl, i love that feeling as well.

and, i, too, fear rock climbing expressly because of crevasses. is anything scarier than that notion?

Alice said...

what..!!?? i left a comment here too, but like on Hope's blog it has mysteriously gone away. mrph.

it wasn't a very insightful or interesting comment, though, so i feel silly writing it AGAIN.

instead: walking drunk up & down the vegas strip is a highly underappreciated workout. also dancing at clubs. in vegas. so, you'll, like, TOTALLY be working out while on vacation. totally.

Mr. Fabulous said...

You're not an athlete, huh? LOL

You just listed a bunch of stuff you do that I consider to be athletic.

I think you don't give yourself enough credit :)

Oh, and don't knock falling into a large crevasse until you've tried it!

It's exhilirating!

Leesa said...

Looks like I am learning a lesson from Amber, so I don't have to roll to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

Marissa said...

oh i've sooo been there! i went to a trainer once and i think he was amused by the fact that i'm so short and little girlish i have more of an 'unbody' than a body. anyway, to challenge me, he had me doing things i didn't even know were possible. that was 3 yrs. ago and i'm still in pain!

Jill said...

Happy birthday Amber!!! This is just a preliminary greeting. Your real birthday greetings will be arriving as soon as I can revise them.

-J said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMBER!!

Janet said...

Jill told me to wish you a happy birthday, so here I am, and Happy Birthday!

About you post, JELLO legs are always traumatizing. I can relate: In December I had been running two miles under twelve in no sweat. Then I stopped. March came around, and figuring I had the same talent, I pushed myself, and ended up collasping after stepping off the treadmill.

The Grunt said...

You look too young to be turning thirty. Happy Birthday, Amber, from The Grunt (via Jill).

Marissa said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

lil'bitty said...

Woooohooooo !!!!!!! (obligatory redneck yell to garner attention/express joy)Happy Birhtday to Amber. When does the spanking commence?
30. No way. You've got that whole "I'm gonna add 5 years to my age so everyone tells me how good I look thing" going on don't you. You can tell me, I know.
Look, if you are 30, you need to have offspring (a boy) to pass the genetics on to my future spouse. I don't want to be the older woman by more than a year or two so get hot, ok.
clarification - you are pretty hot, "getting hot" means do it quick fast and in a hurry. in case you were not aware

Cheryl said...

It's your birthday?!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY fellow word-nerd!

Sass said...

Happy birthday!!!