Back in January, I had the worst month of my entire life. I was unbelievably depressed – I used up about 100 hours of sick time that month, because the thought of going to work was so overwhelming that I couldn’t even get out of bed. I cried all the time, because I didn’t know how else to deal with it. Luckily I had a really caring and understanding boss, and lots of help from people who loved me. I started a “secret” blog, because I needed to write stuff down, but I didn’t feel like it was something I could share with my regular readers (and friends) right then.
It’s far enough behind me now that I can post what I wrote then without feeling totally freaked out – in fact, I don’t feel freaked out at all. I’m in a really good place now, and I look back at what I wrote and I remember those awful feelings and I never want to feel that way again. To be totally honest, I’m sort of scared of January – I’m scared that I’ll have a breakdown again. I know I don’t have to worry – it’s not the MONTH, it’s the place where I was back then. And I’m not there anymore. But there’s still that little fear in the back of my head. I look at all the stuff I wrote then and I remember how I felt and THAT was fear. I was scared of how bad I felt and how powerless I felt to change it.
Anyway. Here it is. January 5, 2006.
Have you ever had a day where you wanted to take absolutely everything back? Everything you did, everything you said, everything you thought, even everything that you felt?
Have you ever done something completely stupid and even in the moment, when you’re actually doing it, you KNOW it’s stupid, you’re fully aware of it, and yet? Done.
Have you ever spent an entire day (or days, as the case may be) thinking yourself into a black hole in which the sheer force of the thoughts are pulling you into an inescapable vortex of awfulness? Like where there’s maybe one tiny thing bothering you, or something random irritated you. And then the next completely unrelated thing that happens (or doesn’t happen) not only magnifies the tiny thing, but then magnifies itself in the process. The next minor irritation magnifies the first two and before you know it, it’s three days later and you’re laying with your face on your desk, crying and wondering how you’re going to make it through the next 2 and a half hours before you can go home.
Have you ever said something that the second it’s out of your mouth (or out in cyberspace) you wish you’d never said it? It’s impossible to take back. You’re fucked. And quite possibly, depending on who you said it to, the un-take-backable (YES, it’s a word – at least NOW it is) ridiculousness that seemed like a fine idea a mere second ago has most likely caused irreparable damage to your relationship with the person you said it to. And no matter what you say after the fact, there’s no possible way to explain away what you said without either making things worse or sounding like a neurotic crazy person. Neither of those are good options. How do you tell someone that the stupid thing you said wasn’t really about them at all, but a result of the awful thought vortex and the self-magnifying random shit? And that that, coupled with your penchant for occasionally being overdramatic AND the above mentioned acts of stupidity collides in what can only be described as a hurricane of self-destruction in which they are the confused and unwitting victim? You can’t. At least not without sounding like a neurotic crazy person.
It’s a day (or days) that you can’t take back. Days in which every decision you made, every word out of your mouth, every thought in your head, was clouded by the hurricane. It’s days when your usually sane and rational and mellow and laid-back self was (if we’re going with the hurricane theme) blown into a wall, knocked unconscious and was taking entirely too long to shake it off. SHAKE IT OFF!! Damn. So now it’s shaken off, but you look back at the path of destruction and wish, over and over, that you could take it all back.
Has any of this happened to anyone? Yeah, me neither. I was just wondering.