Saturday, April 02, 2005

I'm with Stupid...

...and other travel adventures. So right now, I'm in California, and I haven't really been anywhere yet, but here's what I've encountered so far.

First, when I'm getting on the plane, I always look around and pick out the people I really hope aren't in my row. Yes, I'm a snob, so what? I gotta tell you, the last time I picked out the person I didn't want in my row, it turned out that he sat a couple rows in front of me and across the aisle. Luckily, for the guy next to him, the plane wasn't full and so he moved, because the snoring was so godawful that everyone on the plane kept looking around with a look like "the HELL?" I knew where it was coming from and silently thanked god that I wasn't sitting next to him. So yesterday, I saw a guy who would potentially be "that guy" when we were boarding the plane. I ended up walking behind him and he was wearing a shirt that said "I'm with Stupid." I was confused for a moment, because I thought I might have accidentally been transported to 1983, but I think it was just an astonishing lack of taste on his part. He ended up in my row, but luckily was across the aisle. However, the "I'm with Stupid" arrow pointed right at me. Hmm.

When I got to LAX, I spent the time waiting for my luggage by mentally judging people for how they let their children behave. Seriously, who lets their kids climb all over the baggage carousel? Granted, it wasn't moving, but these are the sorts of morons who would then sue the airport when their uncontrollable monster of a child suffered a concussion after the carousel DID start moving.

I'm super old. I was so tired when I got to the hotel that I pretty much went right to bed. On my way there, I ran into some people who obviously don't spend a lot of time in hotels. This guy was standing outside this room, and his friend inside was like "hey, did you know that a rice krispie treat from the minibar costs $2.75? You've gotta see this!" And the guy blazed into the room like this was major news. I went to sleep and was woken up by some teenage girls in the hall talking and giggling -- it was like 11 -- and before I could muster up the energy to get up and be all "you kids be quiet out there!" someone else down the hall did. Old lady label -- averted.

This morning I went downstairs to get coffee and when I walked into the lobby I saw this guy who I at first assumed must be blind. Because of what he was wearing, that is. It made me almost blind just looking at it. He had on a bright yellow shirt with red hawaiian flowers and matching shorts. If by matching you mean "same horrible pattern but in blue and white." He also had on white socks and black sandals. On my way back to my room, I saw one of the village people -- the motorcycle guy, complete with black leather hotpants and jaunty black leather hat thingy. I also saw that lady from "There's Something about Mary" -- you know, Mary's neighbor Magda who looked like the female Crypt Keeper? Yep, she was at the airport.

Anyway, I'm here for 4 more days, so we'll see what other, um, interesting sights I can see. I'll keep you updated.


beckibee said...

LOL. This is why I'll never be out of a job. At times, I have thought of intervening with the monster child, justifying my intrusivenss with the "It takes a Village to Raise a Child" philosophy. As in: "Ma'm, it takes a village to raise a child. I would suggest an alternative discipline strategy."

For example, one time, at Walgreens, a kid opened up a package they didn't pay for and when they said the mom had to pay for it, the mom screamed for all of Walgreens to hear, "Jake is on medication because he was raped and doesn't know better!" My thoughts were 1) What medicine would that be? 2) Did she really just announce her child's trauma to a croud of strangers? and 3) Should I give her my card? Because Jake is bound to need my services when he acts out at school. Ah, never out of a job.

Beth said...

Mindee often comments it's good I don't have children as I'd be certain to get a wonky one for how often I diagnose other children and criticize parents based on Becki's degree.
I feel qualified as I lived near her when she got it, and occasionally fixed her documents.