So. Apparently what with the whole job ending thing and the not knowing what I want to do next career-wise and the not having any sort of husband/boyfriend issues to tie me to where I’m at, the thought is that maybe I should move.
This is not my thought. Not that I haven’t been giving it a lot of time and headspace, it’s just that I’m not entirely sure I want to move. The girls and I were discussing this at dinner the other night, and everyone seemed to think it would be worth giving some serious consideration to. I agreed. I would consider it. Beth followed up on the conversation and recognized my reticence in really moving forward with figuring out where I might want to move – it’s fine to THINK about it, but really moving TOWARD it is something totally different. So Beth wrote a blog entry about it and asked her readers for input and experiences. I have gotten a lot of interesting food for thought as a result of the comments and also from talking to my friends here.
When I was in my awful job and feeling dark, sometimes I thought “I should just move away. I could start again and be whoever I want to be.” The more I considered that, the more I realized that that was a fallacy. Moving away doesn’t mean you become a different person. Sure, you grow and change, but you don’t become someone else. One of the comments really stuck with me: “You don’t get to leave your personal baggage when you move. It all comes with you. Your fears, your dreams, your personality quirks, whatever leaves you stagnant, or motivates you, it all comes with you, like it or not…”
This I needed to hear, because I have more baggage sometimes then I would ever let on. And one of my enormous suitcases is filled with fear. Fear of failure, fear of change, the usual things. But I also have a huge fear of loss. Sometimes I get a knot of panic that settles right in my throat when I think about losing my parents or my brother. Paralyzing. Fear. Moving away from my family and also my friends would be so hard that I’m not sure it would be something I’m willing to do.
I can’t run away from my issues. I have to face them, and to be honest, the thought of facing them in a place where I don’t know anyone is not something I want to do. Having to face hard things is bad enough – doing it alone is a whole other animal in itself. Like a growly, bear-woken-out-of-hibernation, you-don’t-want-to-cross-it sort of animal. Not good. And I’m not saying that by moving, I would be running away. But my idea of being a whole new person shouldn’t be the reason that I leave. Plus, as it turns out, for the most part, I like me. Again, the issues rear their ugly heads, but fundamentally? I’m good.
Of all my girls, I’m the only one who hasn’t left Colorado. Some of them left for undergrad, grad school, or just a necessary change. Karen made a good point when she said moving for school is easier because you have a built in network of people in the same boat. Plus, it’s exciting to move away from home at 18. I went to my first two years of college 90 miles away from home, and while it’s not that far, it might as well have been a different world. It was great. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. And moving in your early twenties is great too, because you’re still at that point where you pretty much have no ties.
The Bad Cop and I were talking about this last night when I told him about the conversation. He said that it would be harder for me to move now because I’m settled here. He didn’t mean it in a negative way, but he’s right. I own my house, and yes, I know, there are houses everywhere, but I love my house. It’s mine. I’ve lived here for two years, which is longer than I’ve lived anywhere since I moved out of my parents’ house. It’s my HOME. I like to be here and while I like to leave now and then, I always look forward to coming back to MY HOUSE. He said that moving when you’re younger is easier because you don’t have nearly as many roots. Again, true. When I was 18, all my friends were moving around and doing something different. When I was 23, I lived with my parents – I owned nothing, not even my car, and my friends were still moving around. I could have left then. I didn’t, and you know what? I don’t regret it.
I love Colorado. I love that I can lay in my bed in the morning and look at the mountains. I love the fall and the spring and especially the summer. I love that it can be 90 degrees during the day, but at night I can sit outside and it’s cool. That it’s midnight in May and I’m in my living room right now with the patio door open because it’s still 60 outside. I hate to be cold, but I love that we have winter, complete with snow and without bitter cold. I can drive for an hour and a half and be up in Winter Park – right in the middle of the mountains. I like the beach, but I’m a mountains girl. I could go on, but the truth of the matter is, I have no desire to live anywhere else.
I have my house, and my beautiful state and the people in my life that I spend my time with. And the latter is what holds me the most. I love going to Sally & Joe’s and drinking wine on their deck, just chilling and talking. I love that I can see Mandy at least once a week. I love that in 15 minutes, I’m downtown at P.I.C.’s and we’re walking to an Avs game or a Nuggets game or for drinks on a patio somewhere or hanging out for our traditional Sunday t.v. night. I love being with The Bad Cop and never running out of things to talk about, whether it’s the middle of the day or the middle of the night. I love that Kendra lives three minutes away and Karen lives seven minutes away and even though we may not see each other all the time, it’s so comforting that they’re close by and we can meet up for dinner or shopping, and that if we need each other, it’s a matter of minutes. I love my youth group kids, and my summers with them are not something I’m willing to give up. I love my family and our Saturday lunches and that if I’m hurt or sick or upset, my mom can come and take care of me, and if I need something fixed, my dad can come and do it and if I miss my brother, he lives right by me as well. The list goes on.
So yes, maybe moving would be a good thing for me. Maybe it would expand my horizons and provide valuable life lessons and be a great new experiment in independence. But in thinking and wondering and weighing my options, it’s not where I am right now. Because fear and issues aside, the biggest factor is that I have a lot of roots here that I’m not willing to pull up. Will I ever leave here? I don’t know. I’m not ruling it out. I’m not in a “I want to move” sort of place. I’m in a “I want to stay” sort of place.