She Says

I wrote a post a while back about how Not Boyfriend was moving and how I decided at that time how I was ready to let him go. Turns out, I was delusional. Not ready. Because when it came down to actually saying goodbye to him when he was leaving the state? Not so easy.

It was last Christmas Day and he called me because he was in the neighborhood and wanted to say goodbye before he left the next morning. I went over to, ironically, the senior parking lot of our high school to meet him. I could feel the tears start to prickle behind my eyes as I was driving over there, and I was like “Great. We’re off to a smashing start.” So he drives up and we’re standing by his truck talking. I was doing just fine, but then the tears started welling up uncontrollably. Stupid tears.

I thought I was ready to let him go. To let go of the hope that I held onto for a long time. To move on. I guess what I forgot about in all of that was that a friend leaving for an indefinite amount of time is sad in itself. And when it’s someone that I’ve been invested in; someone I’ve loved so much and wanted to be with so much, well, that’s sad. The prospect of maybe never seeing someone that you really care about ever again? Sad. He kept telling me that it wasn’t goodbye. That we’d keep in touch. And I knew he meant it, but because of his past track record, I wasn’t sure about that at all. So it wasn’t the fact that he was leaving, or that we weren’t going to be together, it was the feeling of finality I had as I was standing there. The feeling that yes, actually, it was goodbye.

We hugged and I fought against the tears again. We got into our cars and drove away, he towards his next step, and me back to my parents’ house. I cried, but only a little because I didn’t want to – I knew if I started, I’d never stop. I tried to get totally under control, and I did it. No more tears. Until later, when I turned my head quickly and smelled him – he always smelled so good and somehow it always rubbed off on my clothes. So I wiped away the tears and changed my shirt.

That was almost 5 months ago. And I realized recently that you know what? Even though when he left, and I was determined to let go and move on, I didn’t. Not right away, at least. Amazingly, he was true to his word and has kept in touch – he calls me about once a week, which shocked the hell out of me when he started doing it. It's almost more shocking that he's kept doing it. Anyway.

I was supposed to see him when I went to Vegas with the girls last month. Only I didn’t. I didn’t feel like it. I was there with my friends and I didn’t want to miss a minute with them. I didn’t feel like I should sacrifice my time for him, when there were so many times he never did that for me, when we were in the same state. For a year. I didn’t do it to punish him, I just had other priorities. Finally, maybe, the right priorities.

And that’s when I realized that Not Boyfriend? No longer in the running for the title of “Actual Boyfriend.” Because when he was, he was a priority, at the expense of things that were probably infinitely better for me. I still love him, but not in the same way. Not at all. I no longer hope that things will “work out” between us. They already have – we’re friends. And that’s how things will stay.

Come around to another time when you don’t have to run
And when she says she wants somebody else
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
And when she says she wants someone to love
I hope you know she doesn’t mean you
-- Howie Day, "She Says"
(Go here and scroll down if you want to see the video for this song)