Things you may or may not have wanted to know

So. I’ve started writing this post about a billion times, but always delete it after a couple of tries because apparently? I’ve lost all ability to write.

Anyway. My boy. His name is Chris (he gets no nickname, because I’ve mentioned him by name already here – you know, because it didn’t occur to me then that we’d end up together) and we’ve been together a little over a month. Sandra Dee wanted to know what our first three dates were, and I’m actually not sure. I know the first time we went out, the first time we kissed, and the second time we went out, but as for an actual “date”, I don’t know. We go out to dinner and breakfast and lunch and he mostly always pays (which is totally nice), so maybe those were considered dates. Who knows.

The thing is, we were totally comfortable around each other from the very beginning. The first time he came over, we sat and talked forever. And that pretty much hasn’t stopped. If we’re not together, we talk on the phone all the time – and our conversations last for like an hour. We were watching a movie at home last night, and we pretty much missed the whole thing because we got to talking about something. I’ve told him more stuff in a month than I’ve told pretty much anyone I’ve dated over the entire course of our relationship.

That’s probably one of the things that attracts me to him. The fact that we can talk and we are actually friends, not just “dating”. He makes me laugh and he’ll be silly with me, which is important – I can’t be with someone who takes themselves totally seriously. He’s got beautiful blue eyes and really long, dark eyelashes, which is also a plus. He calls when he says he will, he makes me a priority, and he tells me all the time how beautiful and how great I am. Seriously, who doesn’t love THAT?

It’s a strange situation, because while things have gone pretty fast, it’s also kind of slow, if that makes any sense. Like we spend all of our free time together pretty much, but no one is in a hurry to rush to the next level, whatever that might be.

I know he’s occasionally freaked out about stuff, which is fine because he always tells me about it. And when I freak out, I can tell him. That’s a good thing. It’s funny, because often times what I freak out about is him just leaving without warning one day (gee, can’t imagine where THAT fear came from), but at the same time, I also freak out a little bit that he WON’T leave and we’ll be together for a long time. Yes, I’m an idiot. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him, because I do, it’s just been a long time since I’ve dated someone long term and it’s kind of a scary pool to jump into again.

For now, we just go one day at a time. Actually, he told me that I can make concrete plans for this quarter, and we can talk about next quarter. Which is fine and also totally makes me laugh. So our plans are basically to spend as much time together as we can. He stays at my house pretty much all the time (and no, he’s not homeless – he has a house) and I’ll tell you what else is weird in a cool way. His contact case and toothbrush in the bathroom. His shirts hanging in the closet. His clothes mixed in with mine in the laundry. It’s nice to have his presence there even when he’s not.

So. As far as plans go, we're going to get a Christmas tree tonight so that he can watch me obsessively vacuum up pine needles for the next month...I mean, so we have some Christmas Spirit. In a couple of weeks, he’s going to be scrutinized by people at church when he goes with me on Christmas Eve, and also checked out by Sally and Joe and that whole crew when we go over there on Christmas Day. Sounds fun, right? He’s cool though – he can handle it.

Did I mention that he’s the best ever?

Thanks (and Thanksgiving) comes early

This past Saturday, I went to our annual early Thanksgiving dinner at John and Karen’s. This is the third year that they’ve hosted it, and it is one thing that I look forward to all year. Most of our friends from high school are there, and we all bring side dishes and dessert. John and the boys hang out in the garage, where they drink beer, deep fry the turkeys and talk about manly stuff. Karen and Kendra and the girls and I hang out in the kitchen, making sure everything else is getting cooked and also drinking delicious cocktails.

We eventually sit down to dinner, and no one is allowed to sit next to their significant other (that means Kendra and I sit far away from each other—HA!) and we dig into the piles and piles of food. It’s funny, that in three years, everyone has a specialty that the rest of the group looks forward to. Kendra makes the green bean casserole with the crispy onions on top, Kelly makes a spinach and cheese casserole, and I make sweet potatoes with a little bit of Jack Daniels and a lot of pecans and brown sugar on top. Karen sets a beautiful table, with the good china and pretty centerpieces, John picks out the wine, and Jim and Sean provide a large part of the hilarity. We eat ourselves silly, and then we sit around and laugh at each other’s stories. It’s so funny that even after knowing each other for 15 or so years, there are still stories that we haven’t heard. And then there are the stories that we tell over and over because they’re just that funny. Whatever it is, we laugh our asses off, making our stomachs hurt even more. We also made the decision this year that NEXT year is a pajama Thanksgiving – that way we’re more comfortable when we’re finished being gluttons. How sad is that? Pretty sad – and yet so very awesome.

The evening wouldn’t be complete without someone having some sort of “incident” – if by “someone” you mean “me”. Yes, I may or may not have singed off the hair on my right arm. This was after we totally overflowed the pot of potatoes, extinguishing the gas flame under the pot, so Kendra and I were moving the pot to another burner. I apparently thought it would be a good idea to turn on the burner FIRST and THEN move the pot, and hence, the burned off arm hair. I also couldn't seem to remember that the handles of the pot were hot. Neither could Kendra, so at least I wasn't alone there. I think part of the problem also could have been us laughing and trying (unsuccessfully) not to call attention to the kitchen tomfoolery.

At one point, I looked around the table and it was like one of those movie moments when the characters experience this moment of complete contentment as they realize how lucky and blessed they are to have such a wonderful group of friends.

And that? Is just one of the many things I'm unbelievably thankful for this year.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

*EDIT* Since you seem to be a little bit curious about My Boy, go ahead and leave your questions in the comments section and I'll answer them in my next post. Because I may be a blogtator, but I'm a pretty benevolent blogtator...

Best Ever

So I pretty much had the best weekend ever, and yet? I didn’t do much besides take naps and basically hang around in my pajamas. If you know me but at all, you know that whenever I’m home, I’m probably wearing pajamas. I love them – I have shelves full of pajama bottoms and t-shirts. Anyway. That’s really neither here nor there.

I slept better the past three nights than I have in at least two weeks. Which is strange, because I don’t generally sleep well when there is someone else in my bed. I’m so used to sleeping alone that the addition of another body throws me off. Also, I don’t like to be snuggled or touched very much when I’m trying to actually sleep. However, in this situation, the opposite is true. I sleep through the night when he’s here and I like to sleep as close to him as I can.

I haven’t written about him because I’m afraid of jinxing it. I’m afraid that he’ll freak out and leave me one day with no explanation – not because that’s how he is (because he’s not) but because it’s happened so many times before. So there’s that aspect. But I also haven’t written about him because I didn’t know what to say. I know what I FEEL but that’s not such an easy thing to translate into writing – I either sound like a sap or else the words don’t say what I mean them to. Or both.

What I will say is that yesterday was a cloudy, cold day. I got home from church and we hung out on the couch in our pajamas, watching football with the fire going. Ok, he watched football, I slept on his lap. I woke up and the house smelled like the pot roast I was cooking in the crock pot. We went to bed early and laid there talking for an hour, then went to sleep. Five a.m. came too soon, but I slept totally peacefully all night.

He’s the best ever – and yes, I realize that I sound like a sap.

My brain seems to have frozen up

I have the most massive case of writer's block EVER. Seriously. I've started about a brazillion posts and I can never get the words out that I want to.

I have tons of thoughts going through my head -- in fact, that's pretty much why I've barely slept for a week. It's gotten so I kind of dread going to bed, because I know I'm just going to wake up in the middle of the night and have a hard time going back to sleep. This is completely unlike me, as I love to sleep. I love it so very much. I wish my brain would remember that and shut the hell up.

I think part of the problem is that recently, I've had a hard time thinking of the right thing to say. Last week was rough, and for the first time ever, I found myself at a true loss for words. It's frustrating, especially when you want so badly to say something, but nothing comes to mind that is remotely helpful.

Every once in a while, I go through phases where I feel quiet. I don't have a lot to say because I've got other stuff on my mind. Not bad stuff necessarily, just stuff. People always assume I'm upset, because my mouth isn't going a mile a minute, but I'm not. I just feel quiet. That could be a part of the block as well.

As for the job situation, they're keeping me until November 19, which is the end of the fiscal year, and then they'll revisit it and make a decision. Oh good. That means another two weeks of stress over whether I'm going to be unemployed. This is also contributing to my lack of sleep.

All of that being said, I will say this. No matter what happens, I know that I have people in my life that love me, and that is more important than anything else. People who take good care of me, think about me, and make sure I know that I'm loved. I know things will work out -- I just have to trust that and keep moving forward.

Auuggggaaaaahhhh!! You know, for lack of a better title.

So I can’t remember if I told you this when I got my new job, but I’m a contractor. This is great in many ways, because my schedule is really flexible and when I work lots of hours, I get paid for lots of hours, instead of a flat salary. This is bad, because if there’s nothing for me to do, I don’t get paid and also I don’t get benefits. The worst part is that I’m easily expendable.

On Monday, the big boss of the office got the boot and was replaced by another guy in our office. So this week has been sort of interesting as people start to adjust and all that. The question is, will the new boss get rid of people who are expendable? You know, like me?

At first I wasn’t that concerned, because I heard that they were still lobbying to not only keep me, but also to hire me permanently. Then I was talking to my co-worker/supervisor this morning and she was saying that stuff is starting to slow down and that maybe there wasn’t enough work to justify having me. And even though we had talked about me learning some other skills, THAT’S not a sure thing either now. Apparently they’re going to talk about me on Monday when they have their weekly management meeting.

Monday. So that’s another four days for me to freak out. Because, yes, maybe I’m freaking out a little bit. I’m not sure if the situation justifies tears yet, but believe me, they’re waiting in the wings for their cue to come spilling out. Because as we’ve discussed previously, a) I’m a baby and b) tears are how I express pretty much every emotion. Anyway.

The reasons that this possible job-losing sucks are many. Besides the whole “not working” thing, I mean. Seriously, I had four months off and by the end, I was getting pretty bored. I don’t want to not work again. I never thought I’d hear myself say that I’m tired of not working, but I am. Secondly, I love my job. I love what I do and the people I work with are cool and I like going to work every morning. And thirdly, my first concern is always paying my mortgage. The extraneous stuff is no big deal – I could give up some of that stuff, but I don’t want to give up my house. I love my house. I always have the option of getting a roommate, but there’s also the fear of finding someone who’s not a psycho, since I had that one bad roommate situation back in the day. Plus, no one likes living with strangers. Gah. And Ack.

Anyway, I’m going to sit here and try to think about something else so that I can at least get through this day without worrying myself into, um, I don’t know , more worry? The good thing is, you’d never KNOW I was freaking out. Because outwardly, I'm pretty much my usual self. Unless you happened to maybe wander into my house later this evening and I’m face down on the floor, bawling. Not that that would happen. And not that most of you know where I live. And I certainly don't leave my front door unlocked. But that's neither here nor there. I’m just sayin’. Hypothetically.