Color Blind Guard

Or Blind Color Guard -- could be either.

How bummed am I that there were no pictures of the Color Guard on the website. There were pictures of the PLAYERS and the CHEERLEADERS, but none of the Color Guard or even the Band. There were none of the Poms (or “dance team”) but that was because they sucked. Sorry Becki, I don’t think the ladies are going anywhere in competition this year. Frankly, they shouldn’t be going anywhere in those outfits, either. Instead of cute little skirts and whatnot, they now wear black spandex unitards. WHY? STOP THE MADNESS.

And so speaking of madness, let’s talk about the outfits that the Color Guard had on. Because the person that picked those out was either suffering from complete and total madness or was blind. Or both.

So the girls in Color Guard are generally not, um, slim. Some of them are, but let’s face it – the fat girls did Color Guard. At least at our school they did. This year is no exception – and so what in the name of all that is holy possessed them to choose these particular outfits?

Three words: Velour. Patchwork. Unitard. Three more words: What. The. Hell.

So as you may remember from yesterday’s post, our colors are green and gold FIGHT FIGHT! And so I think maybe the original idea of the color guard (and I hesitate to use the word “uniform” as there was really nothing uniform about those things) uniform was to do a kind of gold theme. “Hey!” they thought. “The band’s uniforms are green and black, so maybe we should cover the gold spectrum!” And they did. Cover the whole spectrum. The main color was gold velour – the shade of gold like on a couch at your grandma’s house. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I would say maybe it WAS grandma’s couch fabric. Somebody’s mom saved the couch for JUST SUCH AN OCCASION after they put grandma in the home and since it was practically brand new, it would be a shame to let all that perfectly good fabric go to waste, especially since it happens to be the school colors! What are the chances!

Anyway, where was I. Oh yes. Mainly gold velour. But the other main color was brown. So far, the color combination is not bad, but the problem starts when they piece it all together. Why WHY would you sew a vertical line of brown velour down the inside of the leg of the uniform? Did the crazy blind seamstress WANT these girls to be made fun of more than they already are? Come ON! So the brown pieces are “strategically” placed all down the unitard. Ok. Well, save for the inside leg piece, still not so bad. I mean, as long as you don’t consider gold and brown VELOUR UNITARDS bad. I do, but then I’m a shallow bitch.

Here’s where it all went horribly wrong. Someone thought “You know, we need some more color to really make this POP!” and so they added the sash. The sash was very wide – practically from ribs to hips, and it was BRIGHT YELLOW. It looked like one of those back supporter things that people who carry heavy boxes wear. Only in blinding lemon yellow (and I think there was even some sort of over the shoulder deal too -- I forget, what with the sensory overload and all). Maybe that’s what happened. The seamstress started out with the bright yellow sashes, got blinded, and then proceeded with the rest of the outfit. I’m really trying to work up something logical here as to how these outfits came to be, but I got nothing. I don’t understand.

So let’s recap – brown and gold velour. Unitard. Wide, bright yellow sash. But wait folks, we’re not done yet! What WHAT would be the piece de resistance for this fabulous creation? I’ve got it! There’s nothing SHEER yet. We need something SHEER. How about we attach a piece of sheer gold fabric around the right knee of the outfit so that it flows nearly to the ankle and when the girls move, it will flutter gracefully. But only on the one knee. Perfect.

I don’t know what song the band was playing. I don’t know if the color guard was good, though I don’t remember anyone dropping anything, so maybe they were. All I can remember is the five of us, sitting there laughing our asses off.

The best part was my dad. He hardly ever rips on people’s outfits – he’ll chime in every once in a while, but he mostly leaves it to my mom and I. Anyway, he leans over to my mom and says “Yes, those outfits ARE pretty ugly. I’ve been trying to accept them, but I just can’t.”

Me neither, dad. Me neither.

*Now this is where I put in the disclaimer. Yes, I ripped on the Color Guard. That is what this post is about. I criticized their outfits. I made shallow and rude comments. I don't want to hear "oh so you're so perfect you can judge" or some equally ridiculous things from people up in arms about how I'm shallow and rude. Frankly, I say good for those girls for getting involved in school activities and for having school spirit. Maybe next time they could tone down the spirit of the outfits. I’m just sayin’.