Dear Wireless Ergonomic Keyboard

Sometimes when I type, I get good sentences because the keyboard does what I want it to. But sometimes, I can’t get it to do what I want it to and I don’t know why. Maybe it just hates me. Maybe it’s all in my head. Because I’ve been typing along for a couple of sentences now with no issues. Stupid keyboard. Make up your mind because I don’t need your intermittent crap. I have stuff to do and you are not being helpful. I want to like you because you are so high tech what with your ergonomic design and your wirelessness and your cool immediate buttons and your sleek black look. I want us to have a good relationship because, let’s be honest, I spend a lot of time here at my desk with you. I use you to do work and to write papers and emails and blogs and all kinds of stuff. You know, important stuff. And now here I’ve gotten through a whole paragraph and you’re acting as if I’m crazy for thinking that you aren’t working and so when the IT Guy shows up to check out the situation, I look like an idiot who doesn’t understand all of this newfangled technology and whatnot, and then you’re going to gloat for a while and then as soon as he leaves, you’ll start acting all wonky again and I’ll be forced to get REALLY ANGRY. Did you hear me keyboard? Angry. I’ve gotten veeeeery frustrated with you today – I mean, at first it was sort of amusing to see which letters you were going to choose to type. Like yesterday, when I was on IM with Linda. I accidentally sent her a message that was supposed to say “I swear” but actually said “swrgjsanjkfnsdjf” because I got mad that you wouldn’t let me type the necessary vowels and so I was hitting keys randomly, including the “enter” button. Oh ho ho – I know – soooo funny. But after a while, well, it got to be less and less funny and more and more angry-making. Maybe my anger makes you angry and then you become passive aggressive in order to put me in my place. If that’s the case, well, you can just stop it right now because I know people who do that and when they exhibit that sort of behavior, all it does is further piss me off and then I begin to look for fights because I hate it when people (and keyboards) are passive aggressive. However, the big difference is that with you, I can throw you across the room in anger. With other people, I just have to take it and hope that it passes. See what I have to deal with when I’m not dealing with you, keyboard? See how I want you to make my workday better and more comfortable? So that when I have to deal with mean people, at least I’m not already on the warpath because of all the keyboard frustrations I’ve had for THE ENTIRE day. I know you saw me working on actual work-related items, and I know you know that The Boss is here – no, not Bruce Springsteen, you idiot. I’m serious here – quit making jokes. The Boss is here and therefore I have stuff I need to get done. So why don’t you help me do that instead of sabotaging my every move? Can’t you be happy for me that I actually have stuff to do instead of just mindlessly staring at the screen as I google endless things? Just because you don’t have a boyfriend doesn’t mean that you should take it out on me. What do you mean what am I talking about. I’m talking about the fact that maybe this passive aggressive behavior is due to something rooted a little deeper than the water I spilled on you yesterday. Oh yes it was an accident, quit saying I did it on purpose. And quit trying to change the subject. What, now you just cannot be happy for me when I’m dating someone, and so you get all judgmental when I try to type stuff about it, so much so that eventually I just learn not to type about it here because it’s not worth the irritation. Yeah, you heard me – I have a laptop at home that I’m MORE THAN HAPPY to write stuff on if this behavior continues. You’ve been here when I typed all that stuff about the LOSERS I dated all summer, why can’t you just be cool when I want to write something NICE about someone? Instead of complaining that there are no decent guys out there by only letting me type the occasional vowel and alternate consonants. Well, there aren’t any decent guys out there – not if you keep being such a light bulb bitch and not getting yourself out there. Light bulb – on again, off again? I’m sorry, but a man is not going to magically appear on your doorstep with no effort put forth by you, and even if he did, chances are you would hate his shoes or the way he stands or how his left ear is a fraction of a centimeter higher than his right ear, or that he’s a hunt-and-peck typist instead of typing fast and with correct form. Because all of those are deal breakers. Yes, I realize that I was the one who purchased you at Office Depot, and had I known that this is how it was going to turn out, well, I would have left you there so that someone MALE and BETTER LOOKING would have bought you. Yes. Someone like The Guy With the Hottest Ass Ever. Exactly. But that didn’t happen now, did it. What, I already said I was sorry. Let’s get back to what I was telling you. Being picky is one thing, being scared is quite another. And denying that you’re scared will get you nowhere except a one way ticket to alone land, where you’ll be ALONE because you’ve become so bitter that you alienate all of your friends, even your faithful sidekick the ergonomic mouse. So think about that, keyboard. Don’t alienate me. Because I want to be your friend, but there comes a point when it gets to be too hard. And you know what? That point is today. After I post this, I’m taking you back to Office Depot and REPLACING YOU. Yes. So now you can have a second chance at the love you want that CLEARLY I am not capable of giving you. Don’t start with the crocodile tears. I know you’re secretly happy. Yes, we did have some good times – don’t cheapen it now by pretending you’re all broken up about it. And yes, if you must know. It’s NOT me – it’s you.*

*I got that from Paul