Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Inappropriate cards for every possible occasion

So Linda and I were having an instant message conversation the other day about greeting cards. She recently sent me a bunch of awesome “I’m sorry” cards (go here to see them) and I was telling her about how I sent one to my friend Chris in Croatia and he loved it. So we got to talking about if we made our own cards, what they would say. Behold the conversation of card-creating GENIUS…

Amber says:
We should work on some cards like that
Linda says:
Seriously. I need cards like that.
Linda says:
Most of mine would start, "You know what?" and then go from there.
Linda says:
You know what? (and on the inside)...you aren't Mr. Right. I just like the sex.
Amber says:
...Just because I call you doesn't mean I'm trying to figure out your china pattern preferences
Linda says:
…I'm just here for the vodka and the sex. -- that one would be popular.
Linda says:
...In this day and age of cell phones and email, your excuses are JUST NOT GOING TO FLY.
Amber says:
...Just because we had sex, it doesn't mean that I want anything more than sex
Amber says:
...Why are you such a monumental ASS?
Linda says:
...Just because we had sex, it doesn't mean that we should do that again. Ick.
Linda says:
...Is your real name ass, or is that just what I call you?
Amber says:
...Did you really think I wasn't going to find out about your girlfriend? It's a frickin' small world and you're clearly an idiot
Linda says:
For sure the one about the "I feel you make me ...whatever it was....that one you always used to say.
Amber says:
...I you make me feel like shit
Linda says:
...Check my blog. I mock you there.
Linda says:
(no not you ...that's another card)
Amber says:
...Everyone on my blog hates you -- I have proof
Amber says:
(again, not you -- a card)
Linda says:
HA HA HA!!!!!
Linda says:
Those would be awesome!
Linda says:
...Survey says: You're an ass
Amber says:
...I was drunk and you looked good. We're not together.
Linda says:
...P.S. who taught you to kiss? She was wrong.
Amber says:
Linda says:
Oh my god are you writing these down or printing them out or something?! We're not even drunk and we're so funny
Linda says:
...Your "routine" just isn't working for me.
Amber says:
...I've been patient. KISS ME ALREADY
Linda says:
...Either work on your foreplay or skip right over it.
Amber says:
...Either work on your foreplay or this is the last time you see me naked. Ever.
Linda says:
Ha ha
Linda says:
...On a scale of one to ten? Nevermind. I'm not that mean.
Amber says:
...Yes, I hate your ex wife too. Probably not for the same reasons, though.
Linda says:
Linda says:
...You've been hurt? Get over it. You'll have to eventually anyway.
Amber says:
...I especially hate her because now I have to deal with the repercussions
Amber says:
...Thanks bitch
Linda says:
...Hey ex-wife? He said I'm the best he's ever had.
Amber says:
...Yes. Size DOES matter.
Linda says:
...The other guy I'm dating doesn't know I have other options either.
Amber says:
...When I said I'd wait for you, I didn't mean I'd be waiting alone
Linda says:
...Drunk dialing IS a sign of affection. Get used to it
Linda says:
...STRIKE THREE. You know what that means.
Amber says:
...I don't hang out with you because you're good company
Amber says:
...I have things to do -- can we cut the small talk and just have sex?
Linda says:
...There's a reason I haven't told my friends about you.
Amber says:
Linda says:
...Enough with the chit-chat. Take your clothes off.
Amber says:
...I know, you like to talk about FEELINGS. Fine. I'm feeling pretty horny.
Linda says:
...It's a myth that girls always want to snuggle. You can leave now.
Amber says:
...Get off me. Yes, I know, I'm so funny. Seriously. Off.

And there you have it folks. Look for the Linda & Amber line of very useful greeting cards for pretty much any occasion, um, somewhere. Eventually. You know, once we actually make them. And feel free to leave suggestions for more. Genius loves company -- and so do we.


Marissa said...

Amber! You've outdone yourself. By far and away, MY FAVORITE POST EVER! I'm bookmarking it so I can look at it and laugh hysterically every hour on the hour! You are SO funny!!!

Although I love them all, this is my favorite: ...When I said I'd wait for you, I didn't mean I'd be waiting alone.

Well done, Amber. Well done!

Kris said...

Tee hee hee. Who taught you to kiss? She was wrong . . . I'm SO going to use that one tomorrow at the office. Wait, that isn't right . . . ;)

Thomas said...

I have finals this week, Amber. Is it too much to expect shorter posts?

The Zombie Lama said...

I'm glad I didn't read this at work, I was laughing my ass off!

I've always liked:
"Remember when we were together and you said that you'd die without me? It's time to live up to your word".

Or, to their ex (but only if the person you are with is nice):
"Thanks for f'ing up"

Romeo Jensen said...

okay... I dont see Hallmark calling either one of you but they were effin funny as all get out :)

I did detect a pattern... seems that you couldn't go two cards without the word sex in them


I wander what that means dr freud

Jenn said...

Hahaha! There you go making my day again. You guys fucking rock! I wanna play!

...Drunk dialing IS a sign of affection. Get used to it.

Loved it!

Aliecat said...

here's one
you know what?
...I never really liked you, I was just in it for the sex.

Hope said...

Holy shit, probably the funniest post you've ever written. You need a best of list with this post at the top.

It's too early for me to think up anything clever, but Amber? Will you be my best friend? You're hilarious!

M-Love said...

i'd love to get drunk with you girls!

dasi said...

I totally think you guys should start a business. You'd make a FORTUNE!!! My favorite get-well card my friend and I saw while in college? "So Sorry to Hear You Are Sick..." (inside) "Hope You Don't Die." Of course, make SURE the receiver isn't terminal or anything - that would just be downright mean...!

Kendra said...

"Just because we had sex doesn't mean we should do it again. Ick." That one may be my favorite. I could have sent it to this guy I met through a friend of mine...hypothetically speaking, of course. Also, will Linda make me a shirt with"...check my blog. I mock you there"? Because I would wear it. :)

Amber said...


: )

Whinger said...

Oh I LOVE this line of cards.
I do hope it is illustrated with stick people.

Or just very thin people. That would be okay too.

Kellie said...

And I feel like I could send many of those... lol

Edge said...

Truly Amazing.

Amanda said...

well, that is some seriously funny stuff...i think one of mine would say, i'm not trying to snuggle i really just prefer to sleep diagonally in my bed.

The Other Half said...

those are hilarious!

Chief Slacker said...

very nice, veyr nice! Theer are a lot of cards about sex, what;s on your mind? ;O) heh

Linda said...

Glad you guys liked our stuff! Consider yourselves our test market. Your comments made my day!

Karen said...

I think Whinger is onto something, with the stick figure drawings on the cards. I think you've found your calling --sarcasm,mockery, and art.

Jhena said...

Those are pretty catchy cards. You're right. People would be glad if such cards exist. Maybe you should start the business right now. Most of the cards available in the market today just don't get what people want to say.

Marie said...

These are AWESOME!! I'd totally buy your greeting cards. ;)

Miladysa said...

Love it, love it, love it!!!

AFGUY said...

Love it..maybe Hallmark will pick up some of your ideas!

Maidink said...

Just popped on over from Whinger's blog and haven't stopped laughing. Y'all should think about printing some of those and hawk them on-line. They are a hoot!!!

My faves:

"...In this day and age of cell phones and email, your excuses are JUST NOT GOING TO FLY."

"...Either work on your foreplay or this is the last time you see me naked. Ever.'

"...I know, you like to talk about FEELINGS. Fine. I'm feeling pretty horny."

That last one I sent to Geo, my husband. He said THAT would be a winner!

Kiki said...

I think you're definatley onto something here! I've often thought about this too. There should be more greeting cards to appropriatley fit the occasion. :)

Frank The Tank said...

holy shit... that was funny! i'd been putting off reading it bc it was so long... i'm glad i finally got around to it...

Sweet Reagan said...

OMG! my side hurts from laughing so hard. print those and i'll take one of each!

UM, what's your fixation with sex? ;)

Kyahgirl said...

OMG, Amber, I'm crying I'm laughing so hard.
I love these cards. Publish them, I dare you!!!


The Husband said...

i'm sure its just a matter of time until the linda & amber cards over take hallmark.

Rachwell said...

That was AWESOME! I printed them out (giving all due credit to you and Linda of course) and let the office read them. Hopefully now they understand the random burst of laughter that come from my office!

Alice said...

amber. have i mentioned i love you? because i do. i love you and your greeting cards. i possibly love linda as well. SO AWESOME. :-)