Monday, March 06, 2006

A dare to be great situation

Remember how I said “be careful what you wish for”? I stand by that. Why? You may ask. Well, because my company? Is closing.

Now before everyone starts feeling sympathetic about it, let me just express my feelings on the situation. YAY!! FINALLY. We’ve been going through this “will we or won’t we” bullshit for the past two years. I’m glad that they finally decided on “won’t”.

It’s no secret I’ve been wanting to leave. I hate it here. I have for a long time. But I was loyal to my boss and I really love my coworkers. Now I feel like I can leave the company free and clear – I stuck it out and I did my job and because this place was really nothing but a political vehicle made to spin it's wheels from day one, well, I can leave guilt-free

That’s on the one hand. On the other hand is the fact that I am now in territory that I’ve never been in before. Whenever I’ve left a job, it’s always because I have another one to go to – I know what I’m going to be doing next. And now? Not so much.

What do I want to do? I have no idea. I know what I DON’T want to do.

“I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.”


And I feel like the logical way to go about finding a new job is to really give some thought to what I want to do. And so I do. But as I’ve said before, what I end up with is a whole lot of nothing. I know what I LIKE. I know what I LOVE. But none of those things would necessarily be parlayed into something that would allow me to live the way I do now. I know, money isn’t everything. But I love my house and that’s not something I’m willing to give up for a job. And so I continue to look for a job that I'll enjoy and that would allow me to keep my house.

But then I think “maybe I want to move to another state.” I’ve never lived anywhere but here. And now would be the time to leave, since I don’t technically have anyone tying me to any one place. Will I regret leaving Colorado? Or later on, will I regret NOT leaving Colorado? I don’t know. My entire life is here. I have so many people here who it would break my heart to leave and I’m not sure that that’s something I’m strong enough to do. So I think about it, and I know I probably could, but how much do I really WANT to. If I had a chance at an amazing job or experience somewhere, well, I think I would take it. Other than that, I just don’t know.

“How many of them really know what they want, though? I mean, a lot of them think they have to know, right? But inside they don't really know, so... I don't know, but I know that I don't know.”

Sigh. So much to think about. What to do, where to do it. I’ve spent the past probably four of the almost five years that I’ve worked here becoming increasingly miserable and disillusioned, not only with my job specifically, but with work in general. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing something that makes me want to cry and throw up every time I think about it. Where the dread mounts as I drive the 45 excruciating minutes to my office. Where I sit at my desk all day trying to entertain myself until I can leave. I don’t want that – I’d have to be a total masochist to want that. And when people have asked me what I want to do recently, I’ve said “I want a job that doesn’t make me miserable. It doesn’t have to make me happy, just not miserable. That would be a giant step up from my current position.” But now I’d like to amend that. I want to figure out what I REALLY want to do. I want my next job to be one that I enjoy and one where I feel like I’m doing something for a good reason.

“I am looking for a dare to be great situation.”

That’s right. That’s exactly what I’m looking for. Dare to be great.


*quotes courtesy of one of the greatest movie characters of all time -- Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything...

25 comments:

dasi said...

Lloyd is the BEST. And you DO realize, he's from, like, Chicago... not that I'm trying to SWAY you or anything, but not all bosses out here are like Satan...

But seriously - do what's right for YOU Amber. Don't worry about anyone else for once, take care of yourself. And everything else will fall into place. Just don't overload yourself - baby steps...

Marissa said...

first of all, "say anything" is my all-time favorite movie, and if i could marry any fictional character in the universe, it would be lloyd dabler! (i just watched it AGAIN on saturday).

i so understand all your feelings right now. and, i wish i had some sound advice to give. all i can say is truly listen to your instinct. i mean REALLY listen. and don't make a choice because it's one you THINK you should, make it because it's one you know you want. (i know, that doesn't help). but sometimes we just have to put things away for a few days until we're calm and the answers more readily come to us (also doesn't help!) but in the meantime, i know no matter what path you choose, for you, it WILL be a dare to be great situation.

Kyahgirl said...

Be bold!
Best wishes A.
Laura

Sandra Dee said...

That is soooo weird. I was in the middle of applying for a new job today and was thinking about how I'm glad I don't hate the one that I'm at now, but more like just want a little change. Then I thought about you and how lucky I was that I didn't hate my job like you do. Wow. That is totally weird that you would post about this today!

Linda said...

I hear there's an opening in the Superhero department. There's a catch, though -- you have to be able to draw stick figures and write really good blogs...oh, wait...

Do I need to send more crackers and ketchup packets?

"And though we all know deep down in our hearts, that someday this will all fall apart, oh for right now...let's just be heroes." (David & David)

beckibee said...

You're always welcome in Cali! ;)

tinyhands said...

Take it from me, don't do the "I'm taking some time off" thing.

Miladysa said...

What an exciting time!

Fingers crossed :)

Aliecat said...

I feel ya! I've been at my company for 5 years (4 years longer than I thought) and am constantly wavering between quitting and staying.

Hope said...

I could write a whole post responding to yours. I know EXACTLY how you feel, and I can't leave my job because I also have NO IDEA what I want to do next. So, I'm in no position to hand out advice. But I have faith that you will figure it out. You're not one to settle. Good luck!

Cheryl said...

Ah, the wisdom of Lloyd Dobler. I always wondered though, what Lloyd would be up to now. Anyway, I definitely understand wanting to enjoy (or not hate) what you do. I think this is a turning point for you, and that good things will come from it. Just have faith and listen to your instincts. Oh, and under no cirumstances should you give someone a pen, espeically if he gives you his heart. More Lloyd wisdom.

Karen said...

Stay in Colorado.
Okay, now I've said it, I know you will explore all of your options as you should.
Tomorrow is the job fair, you must go. I know you hate them, but hey, what can it hurt. GO. If I had tomorrow off, I would drag you down there.
Worst case, it can reinforce to you jobs that you don't want to do. Plus all the employers will be sending their young, attractive employees to sell their work place. So if anything, there will be good eye candy.
GO!

TrappedInColorado said...

Amber,

Change is scary. Change is also exciting. Which will be dominant? If you move anywhere for a great job that you love I guarantee in a year you will be saying "Whew, I almost didn't do this because I was scared."

What an opportunity that has be thrust upon you!

One of many crossroads you will experience!

Enjoy!

Peace

Whinger said...

I can only relay my own experiences with this issue:

1. Moving was one of the best things I did for me. While it was sad to leave those who knew me best in the world, it was freeing to be able to meet people who had no presumptions about how I would respond in any given situation. It enabled me the room to grow in a lot of areas.

2. Sometimes different is all I need in a job. I find I enjoy the devil I don't know.

3. I once got a job because I told the interviewer that "I just don't want to HURT the world. I don't necessarily need to help it." He loved that.

Trish said...

How coincidental is it that the first time I finally get around to checking out your blog, it's on this subject? I know you've been waiting for this for some time now, so congrats! So, I feel I can say all of the following only because I'm right smack dab in the middle of this exact battle. I say move. I say move, because it has opened me up in so many ways. It's terrifying, it's exciting, it's lonely, it's stimulating, did I mention terrifying? I left my home of sunshiny Denver for the clouds and rain of Seattle... a total unknown. I love it, not because I like rain, but because it's new. It's challenged me to explore, get out, try new things. I'm a creature of routine and habit, and this has broken my 13 year old routine (and hopefully by breaking it, it will lead to other things I never thought I could have-dare I mention it- a worthy career, friends, a purpose, and of course a man....)

I miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss the familiarity of my life. But, the real friends will last and you can always move back.

Time will tell on if my decision was right or not. But, how could it not be? It has gotten me where I am, I can't get where I'm going if I'm not where I'm at. Even if you don't move, this is an opportunity to start over... do all those things you've always wanted to do and have never done... money always works itself out in the end. I get to change all my annoying habits! I get to take my time and really think about what I want to do to make the world a better place and what kind of career I will really be happy in. I get to explore a new city (something I've really never gotten to do outside our tourism). It's just a good excuse to leap into the great beyond.

And hey, you're always welcome in Seattle!! Good luck with the decision! I'll be thinkin of ya!

C. said...

Texas baby! Texas is well-suited for you! Where are you????

C.

Mr. Fabulous said...

Sounds like an exciting new chapter will be beginning soon.

That said, Florida can always use a few more fabulous people!

Jill said...

Wow, I am excited for you! I think you should prioritize the things that are important to you--skills you have, skills you want to use, the type of environment you want to work in, minimum amount of money you are willing to earn, and as you prioritize, a picture will begin to emerge. Really, look at the picture. Trust it, and follow it. And if it happens to take you to New York, well, you've got friends here, too.

The Husband said...

"Because of you..."

i have that damn kelly clarkson song in my head.

Kendra said...

Diane: "Nobody thinks this will work, do they?"
Lloyd: "No. You just described every great success story."
*DING!*

Just had to add my fave quote of the movie.

Whatever you do and wherever you go, I will support you. That being said, can you find a way to be great here in Denver? :)

Kris said...

How freeing and exciting! Yes - dare to be great - and do it in DC!

Edge said...

Been in your spot twice. Didn't like it either time but the second time I learned how to rig it to my advantage. Get a job that pays the bills that you know you don't like.

While there look for something you do like.

Next suggestion. Get a copy of "What Color Is My Parachute?" and figure out what you really want to do. It's an easy to find book, can even be had at the used book store or library. Just say the title and people will know what you are talking about.

Yes - you will regret not living outside of your state at least once.

My suggestion - get a job where you travel a lot and then find one where you don't. In that order.


~Jef

lil'bitty said...

"I just want to hang with your daughter, sir."
Say Anything was the movie my Daddy saw on his 1st official "Date". Not a double, not hangin out, but a specific I will pick you up at 6:30 and yes sir I will have her home safely at 11:30 kind of date. Very good movie for a date.
Just remain open to the possibility of a new place and different jobs. Sometimes God wants us to learn patience or the timing is not on our schedule, but his. Pray for guidance and you will get it. Or you will be broke, homeless, and living in a very cold place. But the bright side is Denver is nice in the summer if you can make it til then. Hey, giving you both sides of the coin, you have to call it in the air. Good luck and blessings.

lil'bitty said...

Ok, not sure what the heck just happened. Apparently I am now an aquatic being with really long wiskers and mildly poisonous fins. I don't think so.

lil'bitty said...

Sorry for the comment craziness, but maybe you'll get a laugh out of it. If not, eh, someone will. Hopefully I will be returned to me after this one. Please!!!!