Remember how I said “be careful what you wish for”? I stand by that. Why? You may ask. Well, because my company? Is closing.
Now before everyone starts feeling sympathetic about it, let me just express my feelings on the situation. YAY!! FINALLY. We’ve been going through this “will we or won’t we” bullshit for the past two years. I’m glad that they finally decided on “won’t”.
It’s no secret I’ve been wanting to leave. I hate it here. I have for a long time. But I was loyal to my boss and I really love my coworkers. Now I feel like I can leave the company free and clear – I stuck it out and I did my job and because this place was really nothing but a political vehicle made to spin it's wheels from day one, well, I can leave guilt-free
That’s on the one hand. On the other hand is the fact that I am now in territory that I’ve never been in before. Whenever I’ve left a job, it’s always because I have another one to go to – I know what I’m going to be doing next. And now? Not so much.
What do I want to do? I have no idea. I know what I DON’T want to do.
“I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.”
And I feel like the logical way to go about finding a new job is to really give some thought to what I want to do. And so I do. But as I’ve said before, what I end up with is a whole lot of nothing. I know what I LIKE. I know what I LOVE. But none of those things would necessarily be parlayed into something that would allow me to live the way I do now. I know, money isn’t everything. But I love my house and that’s not something I’m willing to give up for a job. And so I continue to look for a job that I'll enjoy and that would allow me to keep my house.
But then I think “maybe I want to move to another state.” I’ve never lived anywhere but here. And now would be the time to leave, since I don’t technically have anyone tying me to any one place. Will I regret leaving Colorado? Or later on, will I regret NOT leaving Colorado? I don’t know. My entire life is here. I have so many people here who it would break my heart to leave and I’m not sure that that’s something I’m strong enough to do. So I think about it, and I know I probably could, but how much do I really WANT to. If I had a chance at an amazing job or experience somewhere, well, I think I would take it. Other than that, I just don’t know.
“How many of them really know what they want, though? I mean, a lot of them think they have to know, right? But inside they don't really know, so... I don't know, but I know that I don't know.”
Sigh. So much to think about. What to do, where to do it. I’ve spent the past probably four of the almost five years that I’ve worked here becoming increasingly miserable and disillusioned, not only with my job specifically, but with work in general. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing something that makes me want to cry and throw up every time I think about it. Where the dread mounts as I drive the 45 excruciating minutes to my office. Where I sit at my desk all day trying to entertain myself until I can leave. I don’t want that – I’d have to be a total masochist to want that. And when people have asked me what I want to do recently, I’ve said “I want a job that doesn’t make me miserable. It doesn’t have to make me happy, just not miserable. That would be a giant step up from my current position.” But now I’d like to amend that. I want to figure out what I REALLY want to do. I want my next job to be one that I enjoy and one where I feel like I’m doing something for a good reason.
“I am looking for a dare to be great situation.”
That’s right. That’s exactly what I’m looking for. Dare to be great.
*quotes courtesy of one of the greatest movie characters of all time -- Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything...