The Last Word, 1995-2000

I think it's human nature to want to have the last word. Times when, at the time, the words that came out of your mouth were more like "Oh yeah? I know you are, you big jerk" instead of the intelligent and sometimes witty rejoinder you come up with much later.

This especially happens with the end of a relationship. Most of the time, no one gets to say what they really want to. And even if you do, there's stuff you think of later that you WISH you could say.

So this is what I wish I could have said.

Brian – I’m sorry that I ended up liking your fraternity brother enough to make me realize that we shouldn’t get married. There were other things, but that was essentially the clincher. We WERE only 20, and I think I can say with certainty that we would be divorced right now. But it’s cool, right? You and I actually bucked the norm and stayed friends (except for that one awkward as hell hookup when we were 23), you and your fraternity brother stayed friends (“Bros before Hos,” am I right?) and you’re married now to the girl you dated before me. And I have a scrapbook FULL of pictures of us at various theme parties thrown by the fraternity. Fun times. I mean, who doesn’t like to explain to the youth group kids that that picture was proof that they were the beer bong champion among all the other girlfriends? Anyway, I don’t really regret anything, though I sorta miss my diamond. Especially since I heard much later that you had cheated on me. I would have kept it if I knew that. But whatever.

Glen – I’m sorry that you are a sucker. That the first girl you dated after me was super manipulative and not only convinced you to marry her, she convinced you to turn Mormon. You’re a sucker because you believed her when, after the first time you slept together, she told you that now no man would ever marry her if you didn’t, because she’s no longer pure. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard THAT one. I’d have like…well, probably a nickel. I’m also sorry that once you got married, you disappeared into the powerful Mormon vortex. And I certainly hope you didn’t end up working for her dad (like she wanted you to) at his Amway-esque business instead of using your exercise physiology degree to become an occupational therapist like you wanted to. How do I know all this? Our “couples friends” P&T told me. Only there was more swearing on P’s part. Also? They call your wife “Boobs.” And not in an affectionate, endearing way. That's probably partly because P&T haven't seen you since you entered the vortex. But THAT could have been because when they were invited to your baptism, P was getting bored as the guys were trying to figure out how to best dunk you in the baptismal pool, and so he says, under his breath "He's a G**damned kayaker for C****sake. Just dunk him." And as it turns out, it wasn't so much "under his breath." Anyway, you could have done monumentally better because you were so damn hot. And so funny. And nice. That last one was probably your downfall, unfortunately.

So that's that. For this installment. Oh, and if anyone feels like saying "good thing you're not bitter" or "you're not over that yet?" -- don't. Because I'm truly NOT bitter and I AM over it -- this is what we call writing for the sake of writing. Or writing because we have to sit through a day long conference about really boring stuff because you're the only one in your office that knows how to work the conference room video equipment. It could be either, really.