Saturday, September 17, 2005

The Last Word 2000-present

Here is installment two of the posts where I get the last word. Because I like to.

Matt – I’m sorry that our relationship moved so fast that I’m pretty sure we broke the sound barrier. That big “boom” you heard was either our relationship ending, or the sonic boom. Yikes. Then remember how we got back together? And THEN remember when you left for your internship in Wyoming and insisted that your best friend T and I hang out, and so we did? And how he and I got on swimmingly – so much so that we spent most days either talking or hanging out and then one time? He kissed me? Remember? Yeah. Luckily you and I had broken up (again) by then, but still. AWKWARD. I should have known better – even though you were so tall and blonde and gorgeous, you’re a Capricorn.

Sean – I’m not sure, in your case, how many different ways I can impart to you how big of an ass you are. Maybe not ways – languages. U bent een ezel. Dutch for “you’re an ass.” Vous êtes un âne – French, this time. And finally, Sie sind ein Esel – German. Wasn’t that multicultural of me? Anyway, not only are you an ass, you’re a really stupid one at that. Have you learned NOTHING about the smallness of the world, especially the Bear Creek world? Did you really think that I wouldn’t find out about your “casual” girlfriend of FIVE YEARS? And what made you think that you could have two girlfriends? Especially because you are decidedly not hot. Though I will say that I was told that even after hearing the whole story (including direct quotes) about your cheating, your girlfriend is still with you, which I find ludicrous. So she’s clearly stupid and obviously you’re stupid, so it turns out that you’re perfect for each other! Just please don’t procreate.

Shawn – for you I reserved my favorite term of non-endearment: Ass. Assity ass ass ass. It would be redundant to go into the whole debacle, so I won’t. I will, however, wish a hearty “good luck” to you in finding someone who will put up with your lame excuses and large U-Haul truck full of baggage. I mean, I have baggage of my own (don’t we all) but for one, all of MY baggage is really cute and it matches (tm awesome greeting card), and for two, I don’t constantly trip over said baggage, thereby allowing it to cripple me emotionally. So yeah. Good luck (I say as I snicker snidely).

So that’s the end of installment two. Same disclaimer applies. Happy weekend!


10 comments:

Marie said...

Woo!! I love this idea and what you wrote here. Boy the things I'd say to some of my ex bf's as well - some have been said to them but some have not. haha!

Miladysa said...

I would like to repeat this too! Excellent. Do you feel better for it?

Cheryl said...

Isn't blogging a great form of therapy? Rock on.

Jenn said...

You're my hero! You rock and you rock!

SHE IS WOMAN, HEAR HER ROAR!

Did I mention you rock?

Stephanie said...

I love the multiple translations of "you're an ass!" Well put!

Hope said...

It's not that you're bitter, it's that some (most) guys aren't worth you wasting your time and energy trying to actually explain these things to, but you've got to vent them to someone, right? I've been there!

Friends of McDougal said...

Oh, man. Now I get it. I thought this was a dialogue. Like these guys were all talking to each other. I was confused and frightened.

But I'm OK now.

The gang over at my blog seems to have caught a case of the gays ... so you know ... I thought maybe it had spread over here too ... like a computer virus.

But ... howcome none of your last words involve knifings?

I think the knife is an underused break-up device.

Marissa said...

I love it! This is great! I think I'll have to compose a few last words of my own! It reminds me of that Alanis song...you know, the on where she sings to all her ex-boyfriends. Love that song!

Timmortal said...

Nice, that's good stuff. I may have to steal your idea one of these days.

Alice said...

best idea for a blog post ever. EVER. love it. hee....