Here is installment two of the posts where I get the last word. Because I like to.
Matt – I’m sorry that our relationship moved so fast that I’m pretty sure we broke the sound barrier. That big “boom” you heard was either our relationship ending, or the sonic boom. Yikes. Then remember how we got back together? And THEN remember when you left for your internship in Wyoming and insisted that your best friend T and I hang out, and so we did? And how he and I got on swimmingly – so much so that we spent most days either talking or hanging out and then one time? He kissed me? Remember? Yeah. Luckily you and I had broken up (again) by then, but still. AWKWARD. I should have known better – even though you were so tall and blonde and gorgeous, you’re a Capricorn.
Sean – I’m not sure, in your case, how many different ways I can impart to you how big of an ass you are. Maybe not ways – languages. U bent een ezel. Dutch for “you’re an ass.” Vous êtes un âne – French, this time. And finally, Sie sind ein Esel – German. Wasn’t that multicultural of me? Anyway, not only are you an ass, you’re a really stupid one at that. Have you learned NOTHING about the smallness of the world, especially the Bear Creek world? Did you really think that I wouldn’t find out about your “casual” girlfriend of FIVE YEARS? And what made you think that you could have two girlfriends? Especially because you are decidedly not hot. Though I will say that I was told that even after hearing the whole story (including direct quotes) about your cheating, your girlfriend is still with you, which I find ludicrous. So she’s clearly stupid and obviously you’re stupid, so it turns out that you’re perfect for each other! Just please don’t procreate.
Shawn – for you I reserved my favorite term of non-endearment: Ass. Assity ass ass ass. It would be redundant to go into the whole debacle, so I won’t. I will, however, wish a hearty “good luck” to you in finding someone who will put up with your lame excuses and large U-Haul truck full of baggage. I mean, I have baggage of my own (don’t we all) but for one, all of MY baggage is really cute and it matches (tm awesome greeting card), and for two, I don’t constantly trip over said baggage, thereby allowing it to cripple me emotionally. So yeah. Good luck (I say as I snicker snidely).
So that’s the end of installment two. Same disclaimer applies. Happy weekend!