Worst. Liar. Ever.

My brother thinks he’s sneaky, but he really isn’t. I told my mom I was writing this because of the lie he got caught in yesterday, and I needed some other stories about when he got caught in a lie. Because he’s a bad liar. She informed me that there’s no such thing as a good liar, because liars aren’t good. Ok, mom – he’s an INEFFECTIVE liar.

Case in point: he left a message for my mom yesterday that said “hey, I ran into my old buddy Anthony, and so we’re going to go get some dinner after I finish working.” Ok, fine, whatever.

My dad plays basketball on Thursday nights. He has since 1975. Oftentimes, he and the guys go out for beers at the Old Chicago by our house after they play. So he’s there last night, and who should be there? My brother, with his old buddy Anthony. If by “old buddy Anthony” you mean “a girl.” So Tim, Tip #1: If you’re going to lie about who you’re with, maybe you should go somewhere with them outside of a one mile radius of our house. Especially since it’s Thursday and that’s ALWAYS the Old C’s that dad goes to.

My parents go out of town and my mom tells him specifically “no girls in the house.” She tells me “maybe you could unexpectedly show up sometime and make sure no girls are there.” I’m like “what do I look like, the KGB? No.” Also, for one, I don’t care if he has a girl over, and two, if he does, I certainly don’t want to walk in on something that could potentially be burned in my brain for all time. And not in a good way. Thanks, but I’ll pass.

So my parents come home and my mom is collecting laundry and she finds a cardigan in his room. My brother wears some weird stuff, but this is clearly not his. She asks me if it’s mine. I said no – and now you see where this is going. He’s like “Christie left it in my car and I brought it in.” And my mom’s like “Right. You forget to bring in your paychecks, but you brought in the sweater.” Tip #2: If you’re going to have a girl over, make sure she takes all her clothes home with her when she leaves.

My brother was in elementary school, and he was walking home with some friends. My mom sees him coming through our backyard with our neighbors and this teenager, who Tim said had been harassing him the whole way home. The teenager said that Tim called some lady a bitch while he was walking home, but Tim denied that up and down. So my mom called the four kids he’d been walking with and asked them, and every single one of them said “Yeah, he called her that.” Story: shot down. Tip #3: Get your story straight. If there are other people involved in the lie, make sure they know about it.

My brother has been a constant source of amusement almost since the day he was born. While I would sometimes get bummed that we didn’t grow up together because I’m almost nine years older than him, I wouldn’t trade the fact that I have so many more memories of him than I would have otherwise. Seriously, that kid was unintentionally hilarious all the time. Now he’s funny on purpose, only with less hijinks.

Happy 21st Birthday little brother – I love you!

*This picture was taken last summer when we were building houses in Mexico. My brother is 7 inches taller than me, so I'm lucky to be in the picture at all, since he's holding the camera*