Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Letting go

I came here to let you know... The letting go... Has taken place...

Not Boyfriend is moving to Nevada at the end of this month. He has a job waiting for him out there that pays nearly double what he makes here and he can live with his parents while he’s there. He can pay off his divorce debt. He can save money so that he can finish school. He can be in a place where she isn’t – it’s not that she’s physically here, it’s just that when they got divorced, he went about doing everything he had before, only without her. Same job, same friends that they had had together, everything the same. So now he can escape that for a while. He can be on his own and figure out what he wants to do.
Isn't that what we wanted all along...Freedom like a stone... But I can say goodbye... Now that the passion's died... Still it comes so slow... The letting go...

And he can do it without me.

I don’t need to go anywhere to escape the ghosts of bad memories. I don’t need to go somewhere and figure out what I want to do, or who I am. I already know who I am. I like who I am. I have a degree, and I’m working on a second one. I own my own house. I know what I want out of life. I know what I want in a husband, and I know what I don’t want. What I don’t want is someone who is still “finding himself” because there’s always the risk of him finding himself somewhere where I’m not. And there's also the risk of him eventually finding himself a different person and me not liking what he finds. Lots of possibilities. None of them good.


You know, you always hear that women are more mature than men – that they’re years older according to maturity levels. That may or may not be true, but I feel like in this case, it is. Not about maturity, necessarily, but about where we are in our lives. He’s starting over, and that puts him way behind me – I’m up here, knowing what I want, while he’s back there, not having a clue about what he wants. It’s not a limbo I’m willing to live in any more. I can’t hang out in a holding pattern, hoping that he’ll eventually pick me. I can’t let the opportunity to be with someone I think is amazing pass me by because I’m waiting for Not Boyfriend to get his shit together. I can't, I won't, and you know what? I don't even want to anymore.
That's all I ever wanted to be... The closer that I got... The further I could see... But when lovers change... And the night feels strange... We choose our road... The letting go...

I don’t want to stand still. I've already done that. I was with a man for four years who I knew I was never going to marry -- and I knew it from day one. But I loved him so much. And we finally broke up because it was time for me to go forward and be with someone who I could have a future with. And so who is the first guy I really fall for? Not Boyfriend. Someone who I spent a year with while our relationship didn’t go forward. Do I regret those four years? Never. Not one minute. Do I regret the year of ups and downs with Not Boyfriend? Not at all. I learned plenty of good stuff from both experiences, and in both cases, I was loved.


I know Not Boyfriend loves me and he is still the guy who would kick the ass of anyone who hurt me. And I know he’ll miss me, because he told me he would. When he called me last month after he decided to take the job in Nevada, he said “You know I’m going to miss you. You’re the only one I can talk to and the only one who can make me laugh.” Which is sweet and yet? Not enough anymore. He went through another phase of not calling for a couple of weeks before he told me he was for sure moving to Nevada -- and in those couple of weeks, I decided that his time with me was up.
Piece by piece I take apart... This complicated heart... And I hope to find... Something I can prove is real... I can feel is truth... I can say is mine...

I’ll miss him too. But it’s time to let go. And you know what? I’m okay with it. I want to let him go and I'm ready to let him go. I’m not sad. I’m happy that I decided to do it after all this time and I’m happy that I feel like I can go forward and not worry about doing it for fear of moving too far away from where he is. I’m glad that he is doing something he wants to do and I hope that it works out. And I’ll hope that as I let him go.
I came here to let you know... The letting go... Has taken place...


*I didn't write the purple lyrics, in case you were wondering. It's from a song called, appropriately, "The Letting Go" by Melissa Etheridge. If you haven't listened to it, you should.

22 comments:

Whinger said...

Excellent post, and excellent moving on.

C. said...

Yes, you do know who you are and what you want and don't want.... it is effident in a lot of your posts. ( I like who you are too)..... :) C.

Amanda said...

amber, i am so proud of you for all you've said in this. i am so glad that you know you will be okay, maybe better, for moving on. for always moving forward. good things are coming to you because you seem ready to accept them.

i really identified with so much of the feeling in this. especially the following:

"I was with a man for four years who I knew I was never going to marry -- and I knew it from day one. But I loved him so much. And we finally broke up because it was time for me to go forward and be with someone who I could have a future with."

i wrote of this yesterday, in fact.

Cheryl said...

Amber this is a great post. Sorry that you are in a position to need to move on, but you're doing the right thing and you're doing it so well. Very proud of you and to call you my blog friend (and fellow word nerd). Keep moving on and you'll find what you need.

Hope said...

Oh boy, I feel for you, Amber. I know exactly how it feels to let go like that. It's a good feeling, but a complicated feeling.

And it's good that you are letting go without closing yourself off. You are still open to new things, new people.

dasi said...

Good for you, it takes a strong woman to do what you're doing. Bittersweet, isn't it? But even better that you recognize that moving on is important, and to do it without regrets for the time shared (not "wasted" as a lot of women would think) and smile fondly at the memories. You've got a lot of good things in your future, just around the bend… I can feel it!

(Hey, there’s always “American Idol…” lol)

The Zombie Lama said...

It's sometimes tough knowing who you are and what you want out of life, especially after something like a divorce. I can feel for NB, but at the same time, you are right to let this go. It is not fair to you, and not fair to him, to continue this without knowing for sure if there is a future.

Sometimes you just have to know when to let go, and that's what you did.

Jill said...

Great post, Amber. And this one hit me where it hurts.

Kendra said...

I support you and love you to pieces. Dinner one night this week? I'll let you make me some yummy enchiladas. Not because I LOVE them, but because I know how cooking for me makes you feel better. :) Know that I'm just a 2 minute drive away if you need me.

Marissa said...

Oh wow - I am so, so, so sorry Amber. But I guess there was a reason he was NotBoyfriend, huh? It seems he could never really commit the way you wanted and needed him, too. Maybe in the end, although painful, this is for the better. And the next guy you meet will know who he is and have a plan - a future mapped out - and you will be very much a part of it. I am so sorry. Thinking about you and sending you lots and lots of hugs.

Whinger said...

Still sorry about the NB and all, but I just realized that SOMEONE is coming up on a Blogday!

beckibee said...

Am I the only one who is mad at him? Well, I am. I've reached the "anger phase" of grieving for NB. When you're there, Amber, let me know and I'll share my thoughts on his emotional fugue. Until then, sorry you have to go through this. You sound like you have a good attitude about the whole thing though. Love you! B

Renee said...

I found you through Jef...you sound like a hell of a woman with a good head on her shoulders! Good for you!:-)

Kris said...

You exude both strength and calm here. Beautiful.

Marie said...

Getting to the point of being ready to let go seems more difficult than the letting go itself...because at that point you have made peace with the decision and it almost feels like a relief. I'm speaking from personal experience though. I'm proud of you! :)

AFGUY said...

Wow..
I am happy for you.. even though you have talked about NOt Boyfriend and all and we have had conversations about him, im glad that you can let go and maybe find someone that really wants you and cherishes you like they should! I hope you find him.

Miladysa said...

Excellent post Amber.

One step nearer now.

(((Hugs)))

Timmortal said...

That was really good Amber. I liked it alot. In the words of Tony Hawk, "Later Skater."

Kiki said...

This sounds like it's difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it seems like it's all for the best--for the both of you. You're strong and you'll make it!

Chief Slacker said...

Moving on sucks, but ya gotta do it. I really think the maturity thing is completely subjective. I know how ya feel on the whole four years and not going anywhere, that was like me and Conservative Girl. Good thing is she's scouting for single cuties where she works for me now ;O)

Hey, you're a total hottie, and funny, if you were say, 1000 miles closer, I'd totally be hitting on ya! Orientation Girl is hoping to move to Denver... so watch out, I might road trip. ;O)

Kyahgirl said...

congrats on letting go.
I still hear the need for a hug in there....
here you go (((((Amber)))))

Karen said...

I'm glad you finally reached this place with NB, as great as his potential was for real boyfriend, he was never able to grab hold of it. Goodbye NB.