Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Notes from the frozen tundra

I have issues with the weather.
I know I’ve said that it’s cold here in pretty much every comment I’ve made in the past few days. Because it is. And actually, I think Dr. Evil stated it best when he said “It’s frickin’ freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth.” Because it is. We’re in the negative numbers as far as temperatures (not even factoring in wind chill), plus it snowed. Yes, I realize that it’s Colorado and that it snows here. But when it snows, generally the next day it’s in the 40s and the snow melts and we’re done with crappy roads. This sub-zero temperature thing hardly ever happens and so that’s why I feel like I must complain at every possible turn. So there. Complaint: noted. You realize that I'm old, and therefore I am now required to talk about the weather at great length. Expect a manifesto detailing my physical ailments and the subsequent dealings with the insurance companies in the near future. Just kidding. You young whippersnappers have no sense of humor.

To be filed under the heading “dirty old men."
I would like to add to said list the name of one of the university presidents here. You see, we had a board meeting the other day, (which means I wore something other than jeans to work) and so I was dressed nicely and had on makeup and my hair was done. I was wearing a black turtleneck sweater, a black and white skirt, and black knee high boots. I introduced myself to the president, and he shook my hand, at which point, he took a totally obvious gander at my, um, chest. I was like “ew”, but that’s not the FIRST time that’s happened, so whatever. I walked him to the board room, at which point he shook my hand again, this time looking me up and down, eyes finally resting at my chest – AGAIN – at which point I usually would have ducked my head and been like “Uh, hi. My eyes? ARE UP HERE.” However, since he is much higher up on the food chain than I am, I restrained myself. Hey, if you’re hot and you’re checking me out, fine. But lecherous old dudes need not apply.

The last word -- in real life. Insert evil laugh here.
I was minding my own business at home last night when my cell phone rang. It was a number I didn’t recognize, but I answered it anyway. I should really learn not to do that. It was History Boy(who, as you might remember, apparently has a horrible allergy to phones). WTF? Here is what he said, with my imagined smart ass comments included:
“I know we haven’t talked in a long time and that’s my fault.” Really? You’re so smart. It’s no wonder you’re a lawyer.
“I don’t really have an excuse.” That is very true, because to dust off a phrase from high school ‘there’s no excuse for you.’ Ass.

Now, this went on for a couple of minutes – him nervously babbling and making jokes, me sitting there in total silence, secretly REALLY ENJOYING his discomfort. Finally he’s like “I’m going down in flames here, aren’t I.” And I said “Yep.” He then said “well, I wanted to call you before too much time had passed.” To which I replied “You’re a little late then – because too much time has passed.” I went on to tell him that I really had nothing to say to him. Which of course meant that I had plenty to say to him, it just wasn't altogether nice and I was going to thoroughly enjoy saying it. I said that the last time we talked I had told him that if we were going to have any sort of relationship at all, it would require, oh, I don’t know, us actually TALKING. He agreed wholeheartedly and that was the last time I heard from him. He then gave me the tired excuse of “well, I had a lot of things I was still dealing with – the divorce and the psycho girl I dated after” and I’m like “I know all that and would have been totally fine with us not talking or seeing each other if you had just let me know instead of just suddenly disappearing.” Of course, he agreed, but really, what could he have said. I then told him that I tolerate a lot in people, but rudeness is not one of those things. And that the way he behaved was rude. Again, nothing to rebut that. Because I was ON FIRE. So finally he’s like “I don’t mean to be obtuse here, but does this mean we’re not talking?” And I said “It pretty much does. For me to talk to you again would require a hell of a lot of effort on your part, so you just need to decide if that’s what you want to do. Because I already made my effort with you, so I’m done with that.” I’m certain I’ll never hear from him again, but boy did that feel good. It reminds me of that scene in “Friends” when Ross and Rachel are fighting and she tells him she doesn’t want to see him anymore and he pretends to cry for a second and then goes “FINE BY ME.” So yeah. Not talking to History Boy ever again? BoohoohooFINE BY ME.

Anyway, that's the news for now. I'm sure I'll think up some more equally fascinating material again real soon...

20 comments:

mbaclub said...
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Edge said...

Ya they closed my big school because it was sleeting. mmm, I even had to put the notice up.

Ya, my step daughter even commented on the creepiness of men. What can I say, we love boobs. They're cool to us.

Lawyers ... they do enough negative publicity for themselves without my help ...

~Jef

Whinger said...

I LOVE when you get to say the right thing in the moment. It so rarely happens which makes it all the more delicious.

C. said...

hey Ambs... It is so freezing cold here in North Texas.. My, well, I won't go there, are frozen solid I think.. :)

C.

Bethany said...

I hate the weather as well.. Wisconsin sucks!!!

I also feel soo icky when dirty old men try and rape me with their eyes.. it gives me goosebumps.. I saw this shirt the other day that said "My Eyes are up here... with an arrow" Maybe you should buy that for the next time you might casually run into him.. lol... I might get the point by then:)

B

Alice said...

AMBER! YAY! i just engaged in a seated jump for joy, since i'm at work, and a full-flegded joy jump is maybe inappropriate at the moment, but YAY! getting the last word NEVER happens, and if it does, i certainly am NEVER eloquent and tell-y off-y and i am SO HAPPY THAT YOU WERE. that is AWESOME. :-)

Romeo Jensen said...

okay... u can keep the cold weather there... mind you that CO is like on the same longitude... or latitude... well we got a tude wid ya... and its the same so what u get... comes are way... so just keep it there... Im soooo not counting on Nebraska to stop it cause lets face it... Nebraska is flatter than my 9th grade prom date... which leads us to point 2... dirty old men... so like... if I stare at your rack thats cool??? LOL woot woot lastly... yeah... I actually get a little detail on history boy... (in my best Jewish Fran Dreschler) sooooo... history boooy is a laaaawyer... if OJ had him as a lawyer he'd have more electricity running through him then con ed... remind me not to retain this bastard... errrrr... barister

Kendra said...

***clickity-clackity-clickity-click-click*** that was the sounds of my teeth chattering here in the tundra.

Also, it's FINE BY ME that he's gone because clearly, he's a stupeh-head.

Linda said...

Amber - 1

History Boy - 0

No, make that big fat zero!! Yay, you!!! I've never been so proud of you *sniff* in all *sniff* my life....

Over here on the other side of the mountains it's muy frio, too. But the temp rose 15 degrees in 2 1/2 hours today, so there's hope yet.

The forecast for your attitude towards History Boy shows no such warming....:-)

Chief Slacker said...

Be glad you only have to deal with those temps for short stints, we get them weeks at a time for large parts of winter. And tehre's always one week where the windchills are like -60. In-freakin-sane.

Need a snuggle buddy. heh.

dasi said...

You just can't get away from the cold, I guess. I heard it's even supposed to snow in DALLAS. Maybe it's armaggedon --- naaaaah. Just typical Chicago weather here. But I hate it too.

And hooray for "Fun With History Boy." There's nothing more entertaining than making jerky clueless boys squirm.

beckibee said...

History boy is history! FINE BY ME! Well done Ambular.

Marissa said...

WHy are you the funniest person I know. Seriously. You are always funny. And I read your blog, and always laugh! (That's a good thing b/c I am SO laughing with you!) Anyway, I love what you said to history boy! You ROCK!!! Now if you don't mind, I have a few guys I'd like you to call for me...

Cheryl said...

LOL! Amber I am beaming over your conversation with HistoyBoy. So funny and so awesome that you told him all that. Love it! It's frickin' freezing here in Chicago too. This cold snap and unsnap any time now...

The Zombie Lama said...

haha that was great. I mean that was FINE BY ME!

Jenn said...

I wanna go to Colorado! Just because it's like connected to New Mexico and stuff. I'd much rather be cold than hot. Just not freezing, Mr. Bigglesworth.

It's too bad Dirty Old Douchebag doesn't at the very least try to ACT as though he's not undressing you in his dirty old mind. I guess my best advice is... Yeah, I have none.

I'm glad you got to tell History Boy like it is. Man, do I wish I could tell "him" like it is. I'd love to see him cry... AGAIN.

Miladysa said...

LOL! Well done!

Fingers crossed that a good talking too does not turn him on and he comes back for more :)

Hope said...

Here in upstate New York it's a balmy 15 degrees. The sun is shining. I was comtemplating sunbathing on my lunch break.

I quit. I'm moving to the equator.

Anyways, I have to agree with everyone else. It's awesome that you go to say the right thing at the right time. That NEVER happens to me. Score one for the girls!

Timmortal said...

I love when Ross does that. I laughed so hard something came out of my nose.

Kyahgirl said...

You handled that really well!
I'm not talking about the weather. I now must go into the 'ignore it for 6 months' phase or I'll go insane. :-)