Monday, December 19, 2005

If you are a freak, you will fall in love with me

I’m not sure why, but I seem to have a gift for attracting the freakshows from my high school. You may remember him and him and who could forget him, and so with the addition of the guy I’m about to tell you about, well, we’re four for four.

Against my better judgment, I have a profile on myspace. I got it primarily because a bunch of my youth group kids are on there and also my brother and it’s easy to keep in touch that way. That’s the only reason. Anyway.

So I get an email last month from this guy whose screen name is “Brother D.” Also, even though it’s killing me, I am leaving the punctuation (OR LACK THEREOF) as he wrote it. Because he’s an idiot. Geez – would it kill you to use punctuation?

Nov 30, 2005
Subject: Call or write me any time just to chat
*his phone number was here*

I would love to talk to you sometime...just to make up for the distant past when I didn't try harder to talk to [hit on] you...or email me at your leisure at *his email was here*

ps this is what you get for posting your profile at Bear Creek!

have a swell day

So first of all, I was like “Who the hell is this?” and then I was like “Hit on me? Really? Is that the best you can do?” So I looked him up in one of my yearbooks, and vaguely remembered who he was. He hung out with some guys I knew – I actually went to prom with one of them – and also one of his friends on myspace is Karen’s brother, so I figured “eh, I’ll send him a response.” So I sent him something like “Nice to hear from you, what have you been up to” -- that kind of thing. I received this back (edited for length):

December 1, 2005
Subject: RE: Call or write me any time just to chat

Thanks for responding -- I confess I was totally nervous about opening this reply of yours...I am still a little shy, but I have better learned when to speak my mind. (Did I mention you look very pretty and very sweet in your pictures?)

please dont think anything bad about my emails, obviously im just trying to be cute. no scary pressure k? k! hope to chat more soon! D

I called Karen and told her about it, and she’s like “DO NOT talk to him. He’s the biggest loser and I can’t stand him.” She said more, but really, you get the gist. So I was like “good to know” and decided not to respond to the email. Oh, and when he mentions in there about “no scary pressure,” what he forgot to mention was that he was saving the scary for later.

Ok. So far, all of this is pretty lame and harmless. And then I get email number three, entitled “Church?” I linked it because it’s too damn long and also I didn’t want to offend anyone who might not want to read the preaching of Crazy Boy.

Even though I had already decided not to communicate with Crazy Boy, well, this email cemented it. I cannot tell you how irritated I was by it. The arrogance was staggering. I sent it to Beth, after telling her the story and she’s like “I thought you were exaggerating, but now I see that you are not – not even a little.” Yes. So I didn’t respond, and yet? Two days later, I get email number four:

Dec 5, 2005
Subject: Hi there
How is Amber. You dont write, you don't call...should I be worried? just kidding...msg me when you can!

Worried about what? Worried that I think you’re a complete nutcase? Worried that your overbearing presumptuous preaching made me gag? If that’s what you mean, then yes – you should be worried.

Dec 7, 2005
*his phone number was here*

Are you kidding me? I haven’t responded to the past three emails and so you think that if you tell me to CALL YOU, I’m going to? And also? FYI? The capital letters scream “desperation.”

Dec 13, 2005
RE: RE: Call or write me any time just to chat
you arent writing and you arent I am you already have a boyfriend?

WHAT? I think I might have laughed out loud at this one, for two reasons. One is because in his head, the only possible explanation for me not responding to him is because I have a boyfriend. It couldn’t be because he’s a big weirdo – no, no it has to be because I’m with someone already. And two? The arrogance shines through because he clearly thinks that if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d totally pick him. I love how he assumes that I would. LO-SER.

Dec 15, 2005
long time no hear
long time no hear...dont i even get any clues...?

I might have laughed out loud again. Because dude? I wish you WOULD get a clue.

I finally realized that this guy would be getting no clues. Clearly he doesn’t understand that when he sends me SEVEN emails and I only respond to the first one, maybe, JUST MAYBE I’m not interested in talking to him. Apparently the whole “not writing, not calling” bit I was doing wasn’t OBVIOUS enough. So I sent him an email telling him that I didn’t like the preachy email he sent me, because I felt that it was presumptuous, considering he doesn’t know me at all. I also said that I thought he was too pushy. I ended it by saying I would appreciate it if he didn’t contact me again. So of course, he responds with “I see you have a lot to learn…no worries.” Dude, I am so not worried. And speaking of having a lot to learn? You clearly need to brush up on your reading comprehension, since you seem to not understand the whole “don’t contact me again” concept. Just to be safe, I blocked him from contacting me. Freak. Show.


C. said...

Loved this post Amber..... Now, may I call you.. :)


A Unique Alias said...

I actually read his preacherologizing. I'm not familiar with the concept of expounding on Holy BlahBlahBlah to get a date. I wonder if it ever works.

I have so much to learn :-(

Miladysa said...

I read 'Church' - seems a bit of a strange thing to email someone?!

Trust your instincts :)

Barry S. said...

Hi Amber! I really enjoy reading your posts...I stumbled across your blog last week.

While I am sorry you are getting harrassing emails from some fruitcake, I must admit your posts are quite amusing because of it.

Out of morbid curiosity I went to, that is a shallow gene pool I have no desire to wade in. After a brief five minute tour, I feel dumber. I don't think I could intentionally have worse grammar and spelling.

Barry S. said...

If I were you, I would get away from immediately. They are straightjacket-nuts over there.

Whinger said...

You DO have so much to learn. The main lesson should be: Start pretending you went to Chatfield.

Neil said...

When someone says to "call or write anytime" -- that's one big red flag right there.

Kyahgirl said...

hmmm, interesting.

well, to fair and motherly ( I AM the mother hen after all) I think he's not the worst freak I've seen. The whole religious zealot angle turns me off but maybe after the 'church' e-mail it would have been more effective to just say 'no thanks-not interested'. The silence could have made him think there was a ray of hope. I'd only think he was a freak if he kept trying to contact you now that he knows the score.
shit, now have I gone all preachy on you? hpoe not. :-) sorry about that.

Kyahgirl said...

apparently I can't spell either but know you're smart enough to figure it out!

dasi said...

Wow - you don't think Mr. South Side found religion and is posing as Brother D, do you?? But honestly - I am cracking up. Mostly because it's YOU and not ME. HA!

lil'bitty said...

Ummmm. . . I think this guy may be a little unhinged. It appears that you have the special gift of attracookootivness (attractiveness to crazy folks). That is a rare and fabled gift. Sadly I doubt it is one that you want to keep. Maybe you could give it to someone else as a secret Santa gift. Good luck with insano-boy.
Oh, how did the redecorating go? Did you make your picture wall? I'd like to see it if you did.

beckibee said...

Um Amber, I was wondering if you got my gun rack I mailed you for Christmas? CALL MEEEEEEEE!

Romeo Jensen said...

amber... most girls just take up scrapbooking as a hobby... not weirdo collecting

so fir us keeping score at home thats:

History Boy
Not Boyfriend
Crazy Boy

are we sensing a pattern here folks?


oh... and TEXT ME


lets try that in bold now
P L E A S E such fun LOL

Marissa said...

Ew! Total.Freak.Show!!!! Well, we have something in common - these are the types of boys I attract, too!

Okie said...

That was quite entertaining. I imagine TV newsgirl has similar thoughts about me.

Okie said...

Wow. I just went back and read the old posts about the other weirdos. Funny stuff. At least they provide entertainment value for your blog.

Kendra said...

Will you never be happy?
You get all upset when a guy doesn't keep in contact but then when one guy DOES keep in touch, you make fun of him.
You get all upset when a guy doesn't preach about church and worry about your eternal salvation but then when one guy DOES to all of that, you make fun of him.
I felt bad for him and told him you would be at the Gasworks tonight. You'll recognize him when you see the guy with the "Amber" necklace and the crazed look in his eyes. :)

Rico said...

His progress in holy wisdom has not surpassed his progress in being infinitly creepy. Wow, during all that learning, someone should have taught that boy to look in the mirror at what a freak he's become.

Cheryl said...

Whoa, Amber we are leading parallel lives, I have weird people contact me on Friendster so I finally had to change my settings. As for this guy, well I was LMAO at him. And that email. We should commiserate over our mutal forays into Loser Land.

Stephanie said...



Did you CHECK for the "I Only Date Freaks" sign on your back?

You know what kills me? What absolutely KILLS me? You know, Amber, that I'm a total church girl too, but guys like him drive me CRAZY!!! It's guys like him that give the rest of the Christian community a bad name. He's just as bad or worse than the guys that stand on the street corners of every major city with a MEGAPHONE preaching Hellfire and destruction.

Dude. I could go on forever. But I won't.

Oh, and if I haven't said it a thousand times already: girl, you CRACK me up.

Hope said...

holy crap! that guy is a total whack-job! I also despise people who try to push their faith on others. It's so personal... but write back and call me anytime!

Sass said...

Losers Losers Everywhere what is this some type of strange cult where they are one by one trying to drive us women crazy?

beckibee said...

Gasworks! HA! Glad you got my reference, Miss Kendra. ;)

The Other Half said...

boy...this sounds familiar!

The Husband said...

i think you should go out with him.

Sandra said...

I've found a higher than average number of crazies on myspace. Don't know why.

Cheryl said...

Ok, I have a theory on why this happens...stay tuned.

Jill said...

Oh boy.

Veeba said...

stay away. what a weirdo. any kind of communication will just egg him on. i hate creeps.

Jenn said...

Yay for MySpace! Hey, you should add me! Hahaha!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you and yours, Amber! xoxo

Aliecat said...

That's just a whole new level of crazy!

Kiki said...

OMG. What a weirdo!!!!

Thomas said...

I saw a "freak" force field selling on eBay.

C. said...

Okay Amber, I am needing my Amber fix this morning, with a mocha of course.. ;) Hope you have a good day today Ambs..


Paul said...

I don't know why you gotta call me out like this and put all my personal e-mails to you on your site like that, but if you have to play it that way, then fine.

Like I care at all about you anyway.


Anyway, CALL ME, if you get the chance.

Miladysa said...

Merry Christmas Amber and all the best for the New Year! xxx

Mister Underhill said...

The first 2 emails were serious and when they got no real response, the rest were just comedy value for my own sake. Sorrty I freaked you out though, that was sort of mean :(