Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The one where I go shopping for my brother's Christmas gift

So I went shopping for my brother’s Christmas present today. As I had mentioned in a previous post, I was going to get him something, um, non-traditional this year, and so I headed off to a, uh, specialty smoker’s shop. I’m just going to warn you now that this post may contain a lot of italics and “ums” and “uhs.” Because although I do my share of, uh, partaking, I've never actually gone shopping for like, accessories. So it was new to me.

Kind of like one time in college, one of my friends got it into her head that she wanted to be a stripper. I’ve given some thought to it myself, but only so far as to say that if I WERE a stripper, my signature song would be “Cowboy” by Kid Rock. And I would definitely be wearing cowboy boots and probably a hat. So yeah, I THOUGHT about it, but I would never actually DO it. Anyway, she wanted to go check out the big upscale strip club here, and so we did. It was the middle of the day, and so the lunchtime pervs were there. You boys just couldn’t get through the day without a midday naked chick fix? So sad. And also ew. We watched the dancers for a while and then she talked to the manager, who told her to come back the next day to audition. So of course she wanted me to go with her. And because I’m a good friend, I did. I will tell you right now, there is nothing more awkward than sitting in a strip club watching one of your friends strip while trying to be encouraging and giving her the “Hey, you’re doing great!” thumbs up while also covering your eyes. She didn’t get the job, and I think I can pin it down to the moment when she was removing her dress and she got her four-inch stiletto caught in it and kind of stumbled. That was difficult because it’s also hard to be encouraging while trying not to totally crack up.

But I digress. This is about TODAY’S experience. So I eventually found the place, which took some doing, because I didn’t actually write down the address. Who's the smoker here? Anyway, it ended up being two blocks past where I thought it was. So I go in, and the guy who comes out to help me is not the crazy hippie I thought he would be, but a fraternity boy. I’m not sure why I thought he’d be a crazy hippie, because none of the pot smokers I know are crazy OR hippies. Oh and also? This is not a shop to buy paraphernalia for an illegal substance. This is a place where you buy handmade, blown glass tobacco products. Just to clarify. So I’m perusing the handmade glass items and I decide that I’m going to need something a little bigger than a pipe for my brother. Maybe a bong. That’s when I committed my tobacco shop faux pas by asking if he could show me some bongs. Fraternity Boy looks at me and says “We don’t sell bongs here. You should read the blue sign.” I turned around, and right behind me was a sign that said “Bongs are illegal. We do not sell or discuss them.” I almost laughed out loud. But I controlled myself and asked if he could show me something in a um, “blown glass water pipe.” And by golly, he totally could. In the meantime, some high school girls came in and then some wannabe little gangsta boys. And this couple who had clearly been in this sort of shop before. Maybe like just minutes before. Busy day -- apparently, I'm not the only one doing my Christmas shopping there. And everyone (except me) committed the awful sin of leaning on the glass cases (because let’s face it, if those cases broke, there would be an awful lot of lovely craftsmanship in pieces on the floor) even though there were signs all over that said “do not lean on case.” Fraternity Boy and I got along just fine once he realized that I was there to drop some cash and not to lean on the cases or trick him into a sting of some sort.

So I picked out a very cool, ah, water pipe for my brother and another one out for one of my other friends, as well as a cute little pipe for yet another one of my friends. I love one-stop Christmas shopping in which I don’t have to set foot in the mall.


And with that little excursion, I'm pretty sure I've achieved the title of "Best Sister EVER" in my brother's book. And if my mom ever finds out, probably "Most Dead Daughter EVER." But hey, what's life without some risks? BORING.

I think I'll go listen to some Kid Rock now...

Merry Christmas!!


*UPDATE* I apparently forgot to mention the "decoy present." I had planned on just giving him a card, since we usually don't do big presents for each other anyway. However, I thought my mom might get suspicious. So I decided to get him a cd, and I called to see if there was a specific cd he wanted. As it turns out, my awesome brother is getting me an iPod for Christmas -- well, he's TRYING to, but apparently they are sold out all across the land. So the NEW decoy present story is that I have some cds coming for him from eBay to replace some of the rare stuff he lost when the condo my family was vacationing in last spring burned down. That way it looks like I put some thought into it AND my mom doesn't understand the complexities of eBay enough to be suspicious. Muahahahahahahaaaaaa.

21 comments:

Kyahgirl said...

wow, that really is going above and beyond the call of sisterdom. Your brother is going to be so happy.

Merry Christmas Amber :-)
Laura

C. said...

Wow!! I can't get over the part where you said something about stripping and signature song would be "Cowboy".. I assume that song was especially picked for moi.. :) Anyways, I am sure your brother will have visions of sugar plum hotties dancing in his head with his new gift.. :)
Merry Christmas Ambs.....

C.

Hope said...

More great stories from Amber! You really ARE the best sister ever. So I take it you're not going to wrap it and put it under the tree?

dasi said...

Ok, so mom might kill you, but won't dad too when he finds out you didn't get HIM one?? (I remembered that from your other post! See! I DO pay attention sometimes!!) What a thoughtful sister!! I got my first boyfriend a marble one-hitter - I mean, "little tobacco pipe" while I was in Cancun with my family and convinced my mom it was an ornamental Mayan piece. And she believed me – go figure.

Amanda said...

haha, last year my mom and sister and i were in san francisco on haight ashbury, you know, where the hippie movement began, and my MOM went into a "smoke shop" to try to get a somethin-or-other for my dad. she made us wait outside. i heard the shopkeeper say carburetor. i am not a smoker, i knew my parents were, but this was just a little much!

Whinger said...

I do hope that there's some sort of decoy present for the Christmas morning unwrapping extravaganza.

Also...I cannot BELIEVE you watched your friend strip. So hard to look...or look away....

My strip song would be "Heartbreaker" by Led Zeppelin.

Romeo Jensen said...

I WERE a stripper, my signature song would be “Cowboy” by Kid Rock. And I would definitely be wearing cowboy boots and probably a hat.


Im having that and your picture tattooed on my chest


will you marry me?

Marissa said...

That is CLASSIC! You are for sure the coolest sister in the world. :)

Marie said...

LOL!! That's awesome, girl. You truly are a good big sister. ;)

Merry Christmas to you!! I'm sure you will have a lovely time with your family.

beckibee said...

MY stripper song would be Back that Azz Up. I'm a fine lookin' stripper, why don't I just back that azz up?

Okie said...

First, that stripper story doubled me up. Great stuff.

For a decoy gift you can get him one of those big tin cans full of popcorn. You know, the ones with three flavors(the cheese is my favorite). In case he get's hungry. Or maybe a case of chex mix.

trueborn said...

That's hysterical. "We do not discus bongs here. They are illegal."
Too funny. Who exactly do they think that they are fooling?
And who exactly uses a water bong to smoke tobacco?

Oh and my song would be "I like to move it", you know from Madagascar.

Aliecat said...

HAHAHA! I cannot get the picture out of my head of you in a head shop! My boy likes the cheeba and I thought about getting him a new pipe, but I really wouldn't know what I was buying and would probably get the wrong thing.

Barry S. said...

Way to go! Nothing says "I love you" like aiding to the delinquency of a family member during the holidays...lol

Did you ever think of what your stage name would have been if you were a stripper?

After much thought, my song to dance to would be "Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys" by Waylon & Willie.
Merry Christmas!

Thomas said...

You could have just bought him some Jessica Biel DVDs.

Stealth was kind of awesome.

Rico said...

I once had a ceramic turtle "tobacc smoking device" named Normy. I miss him dearly, but he had to be passed on to a more worthy owner. He was much to young to go into retirement with me.
What great gifts though, I'd be jealous if were 8 years ago. Then again I would be peeing in my pants at the phrase, "check my blog" and wouldn't have been able to read this post anyway.

C. said...

I thought you were gonna deliver Starbucks to me.. ;)

Just wanted to stop by and say chello! Hope you have an outstanding Christmas Ambs!!

Hook Em'
C.

Cheryl said...

Shopping for "tobacco" and "water pipes?" That's love.

The Zombie Lama said...

Merry Christmas, Amber!

Kendra said...

So you bought your brother a tabacco pipe, right? Because it's really irresponsible to buy your 8 year old brother any other kind of pipe. And he is still 8.

P.S. My stripper song is totally "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith...have already perfected the raunchy move for the "down on the muffin" line. And on that note, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Sass said...

That reminds me of the best april fools joke anyone ever played on me. At the end of the day a buddy suggested happy hour. I was tired and distracted and he said meet me at the mens club for a private party Sky Vodka is throwing. Hesitantly I agreed after he begged. Well, after being there for half an hour and no buddy showing up I realized I'd been punked.

You are definately going to get the best sister award.

Merry christmas and warm wishes Amber.