So I went shopping for my brother’s Christmas present today. As I had mentioned in a previous post, I was going to get him something, um, non-traditional this year, and so I headed off to a, uh, specialty smoker’s shop. I’m just going to warn you now that this post may contain a lot of italics and “ums” and “uhs.” Because although I do my share of, uh, partaking, I've never actually gone shopping for like, accessories. So it was new to me.
Kind of like one time in college, one of my friends got it into her head that she wanted to be a stripper. I’ve given some thought to it myself, but only so far as to say that if I WERE a stripper, my signature song would be “Cowboy” by Kid Rock. And I would definitely be wearing cowboy boots and probably a hat. So yeah, I THOUGHT about it, but I would never actually DO it. Anyway, she wanted to go check out the big upscale strip club here, and so we did. It was the middle of the day, and so the lunchtime pervs were there. You boys just couldn’t get through the day without a midday naked chick fix? So sad. And also ew. We watched the dancers for a while and then she talked to the manager, who told her to come back the next day to audition. So of course she wanted me to go with her. And because I’m a good friend, I did. I will tell you right now, there is nothing more awkward than sitting in a strip club watching one of your friends strip while trying to be encouraging and giving her the “Hey, you’re doing great!” thumbs up while also covering your eyes. She didn’t get the job, and I think I can pin it down to the moment when she was removing her dress and she got her four-inch stiletto caught in it and kind of stumbled. That was difficult because it’s also hard to be encouraging while trying not to totally crack up.
But I digress. This is about TODAY’S experience. So I eventually found the place, which took some doing, because I didn’t actually write down the address. Who's the smoker here? Anyway, it ended up being two blocks past where I thought it was. So I go in, and the guy who comes out to help me is not the crazy hippie I thought he would be, but a fraternity boy. I’m not sure why I thought he’d be a crazy hippie, because none of the pot smokers I know are crazy OR hippies. Oh and also? This is not a shop to buy paraphernalia for an illegal substance. This is a place where you buy handmade, blown glass tobacco products. Just to clarify. So I’m perusing the handmade glass items and I decide that I’m going to need something a little bigger than a pipe for my brother. Maybe a bong. That’s when I committed my tobacco shop faux pas by asking if he could show me some bongs. Fraternity Boy looks at me and says “We don’t sell bongs here. You should read the blue sign.” I turned around, and right behind me was a sign that said “Bongs are illegal. We do not sell or discuss them.” I almost laughed out loud. But I controlled myself and asked if he could show me something in a um, “blown glass water pipe.” And by golly, he totally could. In the meantime, some high school girls came in and then some wannabe little gangsta boys. And this couple who had clearly been in this sort of shop before. Maybe like just minutes before. Busy day -- apparently, I'm not the only one doing my Christmas shopping there. And everyone (except me) committed the awful sin of leaning on the glass cases (because let’s face it, if those cases broke, there would be an awful lot of lovely craftsmanship in pieces on the floor) even though there were signs all over that said “do not lean on case.” Fraternity Boy and I got along just fine once he realized that I was there to drop some cash and not to lean on the cases or trick him into a sting of some sort.
So I picked out a very cool, ah, water pipe for my brother and another one out for one of my other friends, as well as a cute little pipe for yet another one of my friends. I love one-stop Christmas shopping in which I don’t have to set foot in the mall.
And with that little excursion, I'm pretty sure I've achieved the title of "Best Sister EVER" in my brother's book. And if my mom ever finds out, probably "Most Dead Daughter EVER." But hey, what's life without some risks? BORING.
I think I'll go listen to some Kid Rock now...
*UPDATE* I apparently forgot to mention the "decoy present." I had planned on just giving him a card, since we usually don't do big presents for each other anyway. However, I thought my mom might get suspicious. So I decided to get him a cd, and I called to see if there was a specific cd he wanted. As it turns out, my awesome brother is getting me an iPod for Christmas -- well, he's TRYING to, but apparently they are sold out all across the land. So the NEW decoy present story is that I have some cds coming for him from eBay to replace some of the rare stuff he lost when the condo my family was vacationing in last spring burned down. That way it looks like I put some thought into it AND my mom doesn't understand the complexities of eBay enough to be suspicious. Muahahahahahahaaaaaa.