Friday, August 05, 2005

Desperate losers seeking...me, apparently

So today I’m going to give you some examples of why I’m still single. It’s because I’m so picky and I turn down too many men because of what can only be described as my “overly high standards.” It’s obvious that if I want to get married before the age of 30, I’d better rethink this whole “standards” business.

Example 1: There was a guy at my reunion last August who obviously must have graduated with me and who looked vaguely familiar, but I had no idea who he was. He however, knew exactly who I was. He came up and was like “Hey! Amber!” and I said “Hey….Joe?!” because thank god he was wearing a nametag.

So he starts in with the usual what have you been up to stuff and he starts telling me about how he has all these memories of me. Like when he was working in Deer Creek Canyon Park doing community service (did I mention he’d been not only arrested but jailed at least three times? No? Well he had been) and he saw my boyfriend and I hiking through there. Uh, ok. I sorta remember that time (though he doesn’t factor into the memory) and if it’s when I thought it was, that was about six or seven years ago. Ok then. He had also seen me a variety of other times I didn’t remember, and I’m not sure where he found the time to see me everywhere, what with the being in jail and the tattoo sleeves he was rockin’ on both arms – those things are time consuming.

So he spends the remainder of the evening trying to get my number, which amazingly, I avoided. I say amazingly because not only was he persistent, I was also really drunk. As evidenced by Karen’s husband and I getting separated from the group at some point on the way to the next bar and ending up at a color guard convention. But I digress. Because we eventually found the right bar and no one even noticed we were missing. Anyway, apparently my tattooed boyfriend was at the bar as well, and I heard that after I left, he got in a fight and as a result didn’t show up for the next evening’s festivities, which saved me some dodging. Oh and also? Dude? Um, this is a high school reunion, not actual high school and so the fighting thing? Lame.


Example 2: Last year (it was a banner year for losers) I had a guy call my cell 3 different times looking for 3 different girls (or one girl whose name he maybe couldn’t remember) who apparently work(ed) at the stock show and who apparently gave him a bogus number that turned out to be mine.

So like an hour after the 3rd call, I'm totally asleep and he calls back and says that I have a sexy voice and I sound really hot so why didn't I come party with them. Boy, am I a magnet for the quality men or what. When I declined, he informed me that he and his friends "weren't ugly" which still didn't make me want to get out of bed, for a couple of reasons a) he used the word "ain't" a lot, which I hate, b) I don't want to get out of bed -- it's 11 at night and it's cold outside and c) hello? how desperate would I be to be all "well yeah, total random and clearly not desperate and not ugly uneducated stranger, that sounds great! I'll be right over!"

So I went back to sleep and that’s when I had the best dream about how I totally went off on this one unbelievable skank that I hate and smacked her across the face and she cried. It was so cool. But that’s a whole other story.


Oh, and while writing this, I’ve been rethinking the whole “standards” thing, and my conclusion? They’re staying right where they are. I might even raise them, just for fun. Because I’m extreme like that – I live my life on the edge and that’s just how I roll.

24 comments:

Marie said...

Amber, your post was hilarious! I can't say that I blame you for not going for the guy you didn't remember or the random stranger who called you up at night. ;) I say be bold and daring...raise those standards. Have fun with it! I often wonder if my expectations or standards are too high but I sure as hell am not lowering them. hehehe

P.S. - I want to hear more about the dream you had about bitch slapping the skank that you hate. :)

Thomas said...

Or another reason has to be that really great and funny guys always end up living in Houston.

allison said...

"uh, why were you stalking my boyfriends in the woods buddy?"


if a guy says ain't and he's not telling a joke or impersonating someone........change your number.

up your standards.this is fun.

Chief Slacker said...

Losers are everywhere, at least these guys were pretty easy to spot! If you ever make it to MN, I'll take ya out ;O)

And don't worry about the standards, I'm in the same boat. If i wer really worried about ebing marrried, I'd be hitched to Conservative girl right now.

dasi said...

Enjoying your blog, Amber - and I can totally relate. Marriage by 30?? WAY past that. I've pretty much given up on finding normal guys, I think they are a myth.

If you check out MY blog, you'll see why I feel that way!! Then again, who knows... stranger things have happened....

trish said...

If thts the way things are gonna go, I'd rather be alone.

The Zombie Lama said...

Marriage is seriously overrated anyway. Why go through the hassle just so she can call you on the phone one night on your way home from work and tell you about how she doesn't love you anymore and hasn't for the past 2 years and...

Oh... wait.

Anyway... So, you had a good skank slappin' dream, huh?

I say, raise the standards. Raise them high!

Or, as your phone buddy would say "Ain't no reason not to".

beckibee said...

Ah, the reunion. That was a good time. I remember the last time I saw "Joe-fights-a-lot" prior to the reunion. He was drunk and in the back of a pick up truck yelling, "Stop following us, Bitches!" We SOOO were not following him. We were just going to the same party. Apparently he flunked his court-mandated anger management classes.

Thomas said...

I think we all should round up cool single guys that we know and send them to Colorado for Amber to meet.

I think I will send myself. I got some vacation time coming.

Frank The Tank said...

yo! you're hard core! couple things you should know about me...1) uh, the fight that the tatooed guy got into... yeah, that was me, i totally kicked his ass...
2) sorry about calling back a third time, but you do have a sexy voice!

AnglCraz said...

Guys can be so retarted sometimes, trust me I know. One time I met this guy and he asked me out. He wasnt ugly so I agreed to the date, only to find out he was a wannabe bad boy that was very annoying. Well after our first date I decided to not talk to him anymore. He still called though and when I told him I didnt want to talk or see him anymore he had his friends talk to me. Which was really annoying. Well then one night I got several text messages back to back that said how I was the light in his dark life, and how I was so special that he couldnt go on without me. I just texted him back and told him he was a mental nut case.

Kiki said...

This was too funny! G*d I'm dreading my highschool reunion.

Don't change your standards or ever settle for less. :)

midwest_hick said...

lol...atta girl.....came in here through allison's site......funny post.

Ariel1980 said...

When I was a senior in high school, I started getting these weird phone calls on my cell...this was in the days before caller ID (Nokia version 1.0 or something equally primative)...from someone who wanted "to get to know me". Invariably the calls came after one a.m., rambled, and were vaguely lewd. Turned out to be the brother of a class-mate of mine....oh, and BUTT-UGLY if I did not mention it. Freak-a-go-go.

The Other Half said...

thank god i think i've dodged the reunion committee...it appears as if i have vanished off the face of the earth...even though i only live 5 miles from my high school...at least that's one less place i have to avoid the losers!!

Cheryl said...

Yes, standards are a good thing. And I totally sympathize on all this. Really. I did an interent dating thing and some of the men there reek of desperation. Oh yeah, I can smell it over the internet. Sigh. What are we single gals to do?

Amanda said...

oh, i totally hear you on this one, girl. in this case high standards definitely saved you possible future trips to visit your "boyfriend" in the pen and going to visit the other guy's family in the trailer park. good work!

undercover celebrity said...

You are so funny! I love any man who rocks tattoo sleeves. But they must be rocked.

I was totally in your same high standards = no boyfriend perdicament. Let's just be honest, it blows. Of course then I met Mark, so then I was pretty glad that I didn't settle for the guy who makes kissy faces on the freeway or the guys who described his car as "a purple hoop-D" -- I don't even know what that means. And the fact that it's purple really just says it all.

Curator said...

"banner year for losers"

Hehe, that was good.

I went to a reunion gig a while back. I couldn't believe how many of them were crazier now than they were in High School.

Fun times.

Cheers.

captain_howdy_girl said...

That was funny.
It's pretty creepy how desperate guys can be sometimes. It seems the older I get the less I'm interested in being in a relationship.

The Husband said...

so when do you want to go out on a date?

Timmortal said...

You shoulda taken the guy up on the 11PM romp around the mountains. Yeah, he sounded normal. It aint right.

Q? said...

I concurr, standards are a bitch and a half, but then again if you didnt have standards what would you have? A long lasting relationship with a fuy named bob who's only dream in life is to see NASCAR live? Greeeat!

Rico said...

You're too funny miss Amber. I'll have you know that you totally ruined my weekend plans to get my arms sleaved with tattoos. Thanks, now I'll have to sit around and call random girls again instead.