Wednesday, August 17, 2005

He got game, part deux

Ok, so Monday night I’m making dinner and History Boy calls. He says he’s on his way to an appointment, but that he wondered if I could meet him at his place for drinks at 8:30. I sort of responded unenthusiastically, but said I would. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something was up, and it was at that moment I was sure I was getting the big blow off.

I showed up at his house, and much to my surprise, he had stopped and gotten wine – two bottles, because he knows I like white wine better than red. Stock: rising, ever so slightly. We got our glasses and went out on his patio. Hanging out, talking, drinking wine – it was all very “the usual” but finally I was like “so what did you want to tell me?” He looked surprised for a second and said “What?” I said “You want to tell me something, right?” And he said “Yeah – I do. It’s nothing big though.” To which I was thinking “either he’s NOT blowing me off or he thinks that telling me we shouldn’t see each other any more is ‘nothing big.’”

He stumbles around trying to phrase what he wants to say (which again I’m thinking canNOT bode well) and finally comes out with it. And it’s pretty much exactly what I said it was in Monday’s post. He was like “I’m not in a position right now where I’m ready for a serious relationship, and I don’t want to lead you on into thinking that I am. I think we could maybe have a future and so I want to be honest with you about that.” I was like “I’m not trying to be all ‘oh, this is getting serious’ or ‘hey, I’m your girlfriend’ because I really don’t feel that way.” So we went on and discussed the stuff I wanted to, and I can’t believe I was right about so much stuff. That NEVER happens. I was right about the phone thing – he thought that the fact that I’d call him or send him text messages was because I was getting all girlfriendy, and so I set him straight on that. I was right about his connotation of the whole “what are you doing?” and I say “nothing” conversation, and so I set him straight in that regard too. I told him that while I do not expect to be at the top of his priority list, I also have expectations. Don’t call me at the end of the week to tell me you want to see me, but that you have too many other plans. Don’t mention that you want to see me on such and such a day and then not call on said day. I told him that I was irritated by those things, and he understood that. Once I explained that I wasn’t trying to trap him into being the father of my children – RIGHT THIS MINUTE, he started to relax a little.

You see, it seems that his last girlfriend was a bit of a psycho. If by “a bit” you mean “a raving lunatic who he once had to call the police on.” She was really controlling and jealous and would snoop through his stuff trying to find out what he wasn’t telling her. So now that he’s out of that, he is going to the other extreme and doing exactly what he wants, when he wants. And that includes freaking out a little if he thinks by my calling or wanting to know things like, oh, if we have plans, I want to control what he does. Which I don’t, obviously. And which I reiterated to him. More than once.

So when I left, I feel like things were resolved – for now. It was established that he likes me, I like him, we like spending time together and therefore we will continue to do so. And I told him that drama and game is NOT something I’m the least bit interested in.
That being said, I also will NOT be calling or sending him any messages – he says he wants me to, and that he likes them, but for right now, he can like the memory of them. If he wants to see me, that’s fine, I’ll see him and not play the game of “oh maybe, if I’m available,” because that’s stupid and pointless. But I also won’t change my plans for him. I told him I’m pretty mellow as long as he’s up front with me and tells me what’s going on. Because the stuff I make up in my head is usually about 85 times worse than the real thing, no question.

I’m pretty good about giving people the benefit of the doubt, maybe to a fault. If I feel that someone’s good qualities outweigh the bad and that the reason(s) behind their behavior is due to a recent experience, well, I’ll cut them some slack. History Boy still has some slack left. For now.

29 comments:

undercover celebrity said...

Ok, I'm going to be the first to boldly comment on this post.

First of all, apparently I have been remiss in my reading-your-blog duties. Lots of drama has unfolded.

So... this may be controversial, and a quick judge... but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. Feel free to disregard.

I say: move on. I've dating this same kind of guy at least twice that I'm aware of. Here's what I've learned: if it's actually going to become something great, he's going to need to be head-over-heels for you. If he's not there now when thing are all new and starry-eyed. Chances are it's not going to happen.

And, if I may continue my boldness... I don't think you're that into him either. Really. I think you're still dealing with those old feelings a little -- and part of you still wants to conquer him. It's only natural.

I say, just let it go. It's the same game as in high school, just a more grown-up version.

I assure you that the next great guy in your life will NOT flounder on whether or not he wants to be with you and only you.

common, I can tell that you're an awesome girl, worthy of a pedestal, and I just read your blog. :)

So that's my two-cents... sorry it's so long. Please don't hate me if you disagree. :)

Eddie said...

I thought the picture you posted was of you and your husband. Excuse me for not keeping up on the blog, but who is "history" boy and why do you call him that?

Miladysa said...

I agree with UC. I wonder what the ex girlfriend's perspective is and if he helped to make her a 'lunatic'?

I cannot wait to her more about BBB :)

dasi said...

Proceed with caution here - now that he knows that you are not "clingy insecure girl" but rather "strong independent woman," he may start finding you more attractive. Which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, except I'm leaning toward UC's opinion re conquering this one. And then he may be hard to shake when you realize "you're really not that into him."

Just my opinion. Besides, you have other options anyway, right?

Marie said...

I'm pondering this one. I realize that he has his reservations based on his previous GF. It does sound like you both are kind of into each other but keeping distance. If you really like spending time with him, then that's cool. It does sound like you're keeping your options open, which is a good idea.

Ariel1980 said...

If you were standing beside of me, I would dig in my pocket and hand you some pennies, because here's my two cents as well:

I often remark that "it's wanting that keeps us alive"--the need to feel wanted, the need to continue to accrue, to conquer. I will not pretend that I know all of the details of your situation, but even I in my limited experience personally, but vast experience through my own girlfriends eyes tells me that this fellow is bogus. I think that you invest too much in him KNOWING what the dividends are going to be: because he has TOLD you. G-d only knows what "I'm not ready now, but I might be at some point in the future" really means.

You are gorgeous. Just LOOK at your fantastic teeth! Surely, surely something better is out there.

Amber said...

Undercover -- I agree with the whole “head over heels” thing – my last boyfriend told me once that I should always be with someone who loved me more than I loved them. It’s kind of weird if you think about it, but I understand what he meant. I’m not totally into him right now, and yes, it is because I haven’t totally let go of the old stuff. However, it’s also because I’m also seeing Bachelor #2, and so it’s a way for me to not get too involved too soon. He’s like – I can’t believe I’m saying this – a backup plan? Augh, that’s so horrible. Because in the scheme of things so far, Bachelor #2 is ahead in many ways.

And thanks for thinking I’m worthy of a pedestal – and for the advice. Consider it heeded…

Eddie -- If the picture you’re referring to is the one of me and my boy up at camp, I’m scared. Because he’s 17. And History Boy refers to a previous post called “The History of Us” where I tell about our past. I haven’t thought up a more clever nickname for him yet. : )

Milady – As far as the ex goes, I tend to believe him, only because I also know the history associated with the relationship. She’s just one of those girls who goes completely nuts over a guy – I’ve seen it before, although luckily I’ve dodged DOING it.

And while I also love BBB, alas, it is not to be. We’re doomed to be “friends.” Side note: I found out today that he went to high school in Spain, Germany and Greece, and that he speaks Greek and German. Seriously, could he BE any hotter?

Dasi – I agree, only because I know guys are stupid and like the more unattainable girls. Not that I’m unattainable and not that I’m going to play a game, I’m just cutting back on my communications with him in order to be respectful of what he told me the other night. And yes, I’m just having fun and keeping my options open…

Marie – I really DO like spending time with him – we have a good time together. And while it may be a line, I appreciate that he told me what his deal was instead of just being a total ass about it and being sketchy not-calling guy. So I guess we’ll see what happens, right?

Ari – Have I mentioned lately that I adore you? I am the epitomy of "’it's wanting that keeps us alive’--the need to feel wanted, the need to continue to accrue, to conquer.” The feeling of being wanted is unmatched, and hard to let go of. I want to believe that you’re wrong and he’s not bogus, but my experience sneaks in and whispers otherwise. Ugh. Dating is the WORST.

Nicole said...

I'm going to have to agree with UC. Because I recently got out of a relationship like this one.

He needs to grow up and decide what he wants. And until he does, he is not worthy of you. And you certainly shouldn't waste your time on someone who isn't quite sure if they want to be with you.

Go for BBB. He sounds like a much better catch.

Thomas said...

If we guess History Boy's name, will you tell us if we are right? Or is he like your Deep Throat?

I agree with Undercover Celebrity. I think the unknown is better than the known. We can't really expect people to change.

sharon said...

wow. lots of good advise here. I've been w/ the guys who've had totally loony ex's...9/10 times, the guy did something to deserve the loony behavior...

good luck!

allison said...

give me a break! just b/c you send someone a text message doesn't mean you think they're your boyfriend. I don't like this whole scenario Amber.

I say DO NOT call or text. If he calls to ask you out make sure its 3 days before the actual date. You're not "on-call" for him.

Marissa said...

This same thing happend to me kind of recently, so I feel you on this one. I'm agreeing with Dasi in that you should proceed w/ caution. Clearly you like this guy, and he likes you. There may be something worth pursuing here. And you won't know how this will unfold until you go for it. That being said...proceed with caution!!

Cheryl said...

I am going to chime in and say exactly what everyone else has said, so you can just ignore this part of the comment. I think this guy has ISSUES that he needs to deal with and why should you get messed up in it? Let's hear more about Bechelor #2!

PS, dating is the WORST

Stephanie said...

Boy O Boy! Could there be more "History Boy" bashing here today? But I agree with most everyone's comments. Definitely proceed with caution. There seems to be potential. And it seems you both are aware of that. But easing into a potentially great relationship isn't nearly as fun and exciting as diving in head first and the both of you being crazy about each other. Your ex is right. You deserved to be loved more. I'm kind of in a similar situation (like you are with history boy) with someone, and he has told me that same thing. "You need to be with someone- and you will- who is absolutely crazy about you starting from the day he meets you. (As if he thinks he's not good enough for me or something) And you know what? He's right. If it's not him, it will be someone else. So all I'm trying to say is: hang in there. You're doing the right thing by being upfront with him. The worst that can happen is that you realize that he can never "love you more"... and then you go and marry Big Blonde Boyfriend instead :o)

Eddie said...

I need to agree with Allison on this one. No point on contacting him. Besides, men prefer to be the one's pursuing.

Amber, the picture isn't very good and I couldn't really see the picture of the other person in your picture. Stop by my blog sometime. Thanks, Ed.

Hope said...

I've read your blog a few times now, and have to say that I agree with what everyone is saying. I had a similar situation happen to me where I dated a guy on and off throughout college. We were good friends for a year after we ended our relationship for good when he said to me, "We get along pretty good now. I'd date you again if you wanted to." For a moment I thought about the fact that he was the person I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but then I had an epiphany and said, "Why would I want to be with someone who just shurgs their shoulders and says, '... if you wanted to.' Don't I deserve someone who is crazy about me?"

Sorry, that's a long story, but I believe everyone deserves someone who is crazy about them and this guy obviously is not.

Kendra said...

I kind of have this theory about guys in that when they want to see you and/or talk to you, they make an effort to do so. I feel that he's making an effort to some degree but I also feel like there's some game playing going on...much like there was back in high school. I think he's a decent guy but I want you to be with a GREAT guy. And you know a GREAT guy right now so I vote we focus on him. :)

Kendra said...

P.S. Best advice you can give yourself: whatever you would tell me to do if I found myself in the same situation. :)

Timmortal said...

Yeah, I'm guilty of this very thing. You may not want to waste any more time with him if things are getting more emotion involved on your side. It sounds like he's trying to position you for the old "you can be my girlfriend on off nights" kind of thing. If that's not what your into, bounce.

Alice said...

hehe... you got a lot of advice on this one! all i'll add is that i was POSITIVE that one of my exes was completely normal, and his crazy ex girlfriend really was an actual crazy. until i broke up with him, too. and learned that no, he was the insane one.. made me out to be a huge raging (crazy) bitch and turned a bunch of mutual friends against me. all of a sudden i had a lot more empathy for the "crazy ex"...

Linny said...

being old and oh so experienced (not) I'll offer my two cents:

A) History is a problem and if we choose to not remember it, we are doomed to repeat it.

B) One's personality is constant over their lifetime barring one receiving a blow to the frontal lobe. If he rubbed you the wrong way once, he will rub you the wrong way twice (assuming he's rubbing you)

C) What do YOU want? No... really... waht do you want?

D) One can never have too many friends... or... bachelors for that matter. I mean, would you ever just walk into a store and buy a bra without trying on all of the bra's in the store in your size first? PERISH THE THOUGHT!!! but of course, you only buy the right one... right?

Good luck to you and remember...

walk softly and carry a big stick! :)

appsdshell said...

Having had this happen to me (once or twice), I just know, things will now never be the same. And you'll end up finding someone else who appreciates having you around more.

Because I'm stubborn, I wouldn't call or text anymore and let him chase me, but then, I'd still have that wall up, and a ton of other guys who were waiting in line.

Rico said...

EH! EH! NEXT! Move along History Boy.
Get rid of 'em

Amber said...

You guys are the best. Thanks for all of the advice!

Thomas said...

But did you follow our advice, Amber?

Thomas said...

Well Amber?

Amber said...

Oh Thomas -- it's such a hodgepodge of advice, if you will. A plethora -- a veritable potpourri.

I'll be selectively following said advice. How's that, Lawyer Boy? Dodgy enough? : )

Thomas said...

That's cool, Amber. As long as you don't flip-flop later.

ambs77 said...

i'm going to be bold here too (and even on my first comment on your blog):
it's not going to ever go anywhere with this guy no matter what he's saying.

if they're ever going to be into you, they're not going to be putting on the brakes so soon. they just don't.

i think he enjoys talking to you but doesn't think it's long-term relationship potential?

sorry if that sounds harsh, but sometimes it's better to hear the harshness vs. people sugar-coating things for you.

move on to better things!!