Ode to Big Blonde Boyfriend

So there’s a guy that I know by the name of Big Blonde Boyfriend. Obviously, not his real name, but a very apt descriptor. He’s really tall and blonde (duh), and has really pretty green-blue eyes. He’s also a body builder, and not the kind that when you see them you’re like “Ew, please put your clothes on” but the kind where you say “Hi, um, please take your clothes off. Faster.” Although to be honest, he looks really great in his clothes. I’ve only ever seen him in a suit, and his ties always match nicely and his suits fit perfectly – he obviously has them tailored because, seriously, the broad shoulders? Nice.

I’ve known him for three years, and have had a huge crush on him for all three. I have email correspondences back and forth between us of the sort that when I read them I end up doing the silent hysterical laugh because he is SO FUNNY. Not only that, he also has two Master’s degrees and is working on a Ph.D. So yeah, he’s ok if you like that kind of guy – you know, the funny, smart gorgeous kind with the unbelievable body. Oh how I like that kind of guy.

Anyway, today my company is hosting this Homeland Security-related meeting, and since this is his area of expertise (or one of them, at least) he’s here, along with a bunch of other people. As I’m checking people in this morning, here comes this super-creepy guy. He immediately introduces himself to me and starts talking about something which I have no idea what it is because I was fighting the urge to shiver because I had the heebie-jeebies so bad, and then he says “I like your name.” Uh, thanks, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Get me out of here!! Also, what? Luckily, he left and went into the meeting.

During the break right before lunch he walks in and says to Marlene and I “Can one of you ladies help me arrange transportation back to my hotel?” only when he says it, he’s staring right at me in that scary way. I say “Marlene can help you” and then bolt out of there. She and I were sitting out in the lobby later and I was like “See, I TOLD you he was creepy.” And she said “Yeah – especially since he already HAS transportation back to his hotel – with the same people who he rode over with this morning – I think he just wanted you to offer to drive him.” Gack. GACK! Then she says “Why don’t you tell him that your boyfriend will drop him off and then pretend Big Blonde Boyfriend is your boyfriend?” I was like “THAT is a GREAT idea.” And we laughed.

Pretty soon, here comes Big Blonde Boyfriend, and Marlene says “Hey – do you want to play boyfriend for Amber? There’s a creepy guy in there who keeps talking to her.” He laughed and I said “I’m not kidding – he said ‘I like your name.’” Big Blonde Boyfriend cracks up and says “Like the guy in ‘Sling Blade?’ You know, ‘I like the way you talk, mmhmm.’” And I said “Exactly. But much creepier.” So Big Blonde Boyfriend sits down and we start talking.

Inevitably, here comes Creepy Guy, and I say under my breath “There he is – thereheis!” And so now Big Blonde Boyfriend has a visual. Creepy Guy skulks around in our vicinity, waiting for me to look up and acknowledge him, which I am NOT going to do, and then he leaves. He comes back a few minutes later and skulks some more until he realizes that I’m NOT going to look at him and Big Blond Boyfriend is NOT going to look at him OR vacate his spot. Eventually, he leaves again. And my adorable Big Blonde Boyfriend stayed there until everyone went back into the meeting, just to make sure.

Oh, and as a disclaimer, unfortunately, Big Blonde Boyfriend is not Bachelor #2. However, if he happened to be interested, the Bachelor #3 spot is still open…