Questions for the Monsters of Rock

Since I am always making my next great mix, I decided the other day that I needed to make an “80s/90s Hair Band/Metal” mix. It was fun. However, while listening to the songs, I came up with some questions for the bands. Here they are, in no particular order:

Motley Crue -- “He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he’s the one to make you feel all right!” So this Dr. Feelgood – exactly what sort of doctor is he? Is he licensed? If he’s going to do some of the things that you claim he is, wouldn’t that be violating some sort of doctor/patient boundary stuff? Not to mention a few DEA-related laws? And to take it one step further, if he is, as they say, going to “be my Frankenstein,” why, exactly, is that something I would allegedly like? Because I’m just not one to have green monsters created from various corpses and reanimated as my primary care physician. It’s just a thing I have.

Van Halen -- You seem confused. First it’s “how do I know when it’s love?” and then you answer your own question with “I can’t tell you but it lasts forever.” Then, in another song, you say “it’s got what it takes, so tell me why can’t this be love?” Ok. Clearly you have no clue what love is. I’m confused even thinking about it. However, I will cut you some slack because I what I do know is that I love those songs.

Axl Rose – have you sued your plastic surgeon for malpractice yet? If not, you should. You're going to need the money, since you're getting sued by Slash and Duff.

Aerosmith – after listening to the chorus of “Love in an Elevator,” well, um, why don’t you just let me know what elevator you’re going to be on so I can make appropriate plans. Thanks.

Warrant -- While it sounds like a fun place, I’d like to know where specifically do the “Down Boys” go? Is it on Google maps? Because sometimes I’m not great with directions. Also, good work on "Cherry Pie." Although the title-as-metaphor is blatantly obvious, I like the part about thinking about baseball. Heh.

Def Leppard – Were you drunk when you wrote “Pour some sugar on me?” Because while I absolutely adore that song and will listen to it at a ridiculously high volume in my car, the lyrics make no sense. At all. There’s some talk about mannequins and mirrors and traffic lights and operators, all which have nothing to do with pouring sugar on you. Which I’m also going to assume is a metaphor for something involving the tired euphemism of “peaches and cream,” which you also used. As a side note, I recently found out that the classic rock station now plays this song. Classic rock? C’mon – this song came out when I was going into 7th grade – THAT is not CLASSIC.

I have more questions, but I think that will suffice for now.