Thursday, August 25, 2005

Questions for the Monsters of Rock

Since I am always making my next great mix, I decided the other day that I needed to make an “80s/90s Hair Band/Metal” mix. It was fun. However, while listening to the songs, I came up with some questions for the bands. Here they are, in no particular order:

Motley Crue -- “He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood, he’s the one to make you feel all right!” So this Dr. Feelgood – exactly what sort of doctor is he? Is he licensed? If he’s going to do some of the things that you claim he is, wouldn’t that be violating some sort of doctor/patient boundary stuff? Not to mention a few DEA-related laws? And to take it one step further, if he is, as they say, going to “be my Frankenstein,” why, exactly, is that something I would allegedly like? Because I’m just not one to have green monsters created from various corpses and reanimated as my primary care physician. It’s just a thing I have.

Van Halen -- You seem confused. First it’s “how do I know when it’s love?” and then you answer your own question with “I can’t tell you but it lasts forever.” Then, in another song, you say “it’s got what it takes, so tell me why can’t this be love?” Ok. Clearly you have no clue what love is. I’m confused even thinking about it. However, I will cut you some slack because I what I do know is that I love those songs.

Axl Rose – have you sued your plastic surgeon for malpractice yet? If not, you should. You're going to need the money, since you're getting sued by Slash and Duff.

Aerosmith – after listening to the chorus of “Love in an Elevator,” well, um, why don’t you just let me know what elevator you’re going to be on so I can make appropriate plans. Thanks.

Warrant -- While it sounds like a fun place, I’d like to know where specifically do the “Down Boys” go? Is it on Google maps? Because sometimes I’m not great with directions. Also, good work on "Cherry Pie." Although the title-as-metaphor is blatantly obvious, I like the part about thinking about baseball. Heh.


Def Leppard – Were you drunk when you wrote “Pour some sugar on me?” Because while I absolutely adore that song and will listen to it at a ridiculously high volume in my car, the lyrics make no sense. At all. There’s some talk about mannequins and mirrors and traffic lights and operators, all which have nothing to do with pouring sugar on you. Which I’m also going to assume is a metaphor for something involving the tired euphemism of “peaches and cream,” which you also used. As a side note, I recently found out that the classic rock station now plays this song. Classic rock? C’mon – this song came out when I was going into 7th grade – THAT is not CLASSIC.

I have more questions, but I think that will suffice for now.

17 comments:

Kendra said...

I love Aerosmith but my fave is Walk this Way. The first teaming of rap and rock - what's not to love? What would your question be for that song?

Thomas said...

I watched Almost Famous yesterday. Does that count for anything?

The Husband said...

what about "Panama" and "Hot For Teacher"...those are two van halen classics.

Marie said...

Ah, excellent choices for the mix and very valid questions. :) I agree with Spackler - what about Van Halen's "Panama"...good stuff.

Rico said...

But are you getting it? Im a getting it. A really getting it? Yes Im a getting it...

C'mon Amber get it!

*wicked guitar solo, break*

HUH!!!!

Cheryl said...

If only we could get these questions answered! They are such good ones.

Oh, and Axl is getting sued by Slash and Duff? Where have I been?

dasi said...

Ok, Amber, I am REALLY excited, because I think I know the answers to all your questions, being the hair band afficianado that I am...

Motely Crue: I believe Dr. Feelgood is kind of like a chiropractor, someone who THINKS he is a real doctor, but technically isn't. So visit him at your own risk.

Van Halen: Well, DUH! If they DID know anything about love, Eddie would still be married, and David Lee Roth wouldn't be such an a****** about women (or men, if you believe the rumors). And Sammy got divorced from his first wife when he joined Van Halen.

Axl: I thought he was dead. WAIT! That's just his career. Sorry.

Aerosmith: I will join you in that elevator, Amber - but I get Joe.

Warrant: Obviously, the down boys go to a secret club. And no, it is not on mapquest.

Def Leppard: You're right, the lyrics make no sense. And you're also right that no one cares. I think anything from 20 years ago or earlier can be considered "classic rock" to DJ's, but I think of a TOTALLY different genre when I think classic rock!

Hope that helped.

Kiki said...

This was hilarious!!!

Beth said...

Oh, Sweetie. Their brains have been too rattled by drugs to answer any of your questions. But they might hum along....

Van! said...

Ok...dig the list...what about earlies like " RATT/SCORPIONS!"

do you remember STRYPER!

Amber said...

K-lo -- my question for that song would be "what's not to love about that song?" Even though I know the answer. Nothing.That song is eminently lovable. FYI, it's on my hip-hop mix.

Thomas -- no. That does not count.

Carl & Marie -- Yes, "Panama." I totally forgot about that one. And Also ZZ Top's "Legs"

Rico -- Oh yeah, I'm Armageddon it. Nice work on the guitar solo, by the way...

Cheryl -- obviously you've been at work, and not watching E! today. That's where I saw it.

Dasi -- A chiropractor? Really? The kind that also does "massage?" Oh, and you can have Joe, I was mainly letting Aerosmith know that I was on board with their proposed elevator activities : )

Kiki -- Thanks!

Beth -- I know. Bless their little overprocessed hair follicles...

Van -- I DO, unfortunately, remember Stryper. They're not on the mix. But the Scorpions are -- "Hit Between the Eyes" anyone?

The Zombie Lama said...

Wait, where's the hair bands???

And just for the record, what's wrong with reanimated corpses?????????

wildcat9two said...

Dr. Feelgood was the downfall of Motley Crue. I had to hang my spandex pants up and cut off all my hair.

Paul said...

Do NOT. I repeat, DO NOT bag on the Leppard.

They raaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwk.

warcrygirl said...

OMG I LOVE your list, and your questions are hilarious! I was in high school when most of those bands hit so when I hear them being labeled as "classic" it just chafes me. Classic rock is the Rolling Stones, Moody Blues, The Doors, etc. And I agree with Paul; Def Leppard rocks even if they make no sense.

Found you while hitting the 'next blog' button.

jiggs said...

Coincidentally, my proctologist is named "Dr. Feelgood". Really.

Johnny Menace said...

where was WASP and the Nelson Brothers question?