Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Coming out of the woodwork

I saw Gene Simmons from KISS the other night. I was at a party at the Marriott, and I heard he was in the bar, but as I was busy having some vodka tonics at the OTHER bar, I did not see him. However, when I was leaving, I looked over at the concierge desk, and there he was, using the computer. He’s scary. When I was little, I was deathly afraid of KISS because of the frightening hair and makeup and possibly the outfits. They may have looked a little too much like clowns to me, and I HATE CLOWNS! Now he’s just scary because he’s old, but he does have nice teeth. I’m sure he’s a very nice man. He certainly is a hell of a businessman. Anyway, that was my brush with fame.

So I can’t remember if I said this already, but I got a second job. Because I just didn’t have enough to do. It’s very part time – like 10 hours a week – not overly demanding, and I figure I could use the extra cash. I am now the Education Director at my church, which means I’m in charge of getting volunteers to teach Sunday School every week. This should not be difficult, because we have a ton of kids who have parents and grandparents who are willing to help, and also, I know everyone and will make them feel reeeeally bad if they don’t help. Because that’s the Christian thing to do, right?

Unfortunately, the people who have been volunteering to help have been primarily crazies. First is the creepiest guy ever. He’s not creepy in a “serial rapist and/or pedophile” way, he’s just creepy in an “I’m almost 40, I live with my mother and have absolutely zero social skills” kind of way. He’s the kind of guy who, if he wants to talk to you, will come up to you while you’re chatting with someone else and stand there until it’s impossible for you and the person you’re talking to to ignore him anymore. He’s a lurker, a skulker and a close talker, plus, he dresses in the strangest outfits. Like I said, he’s harmless, but weird all the same. So the day I announce that we need volunteers, he catches me out in the parking lot. Luckily, I was with Dane, and so it was markedly less “wheird.” His mom pulls up in their car and rolls down her window and he leans over from the passenger side to tell me he would volunteer. So I was like “Great! I’ll definitely keep you in mind!” while thinking “Oh No. Ohnonononononono.” So normally, people would be like “Ok, great, just let me know!” No sir, not him. His mom starts talking to Dane and so the guy gets out of the car and comes around to talk to me. He’s like “Icould help with cooking. Or science. Or games. Or computers.” It went on like that, and he reminds me of a more annoying version of Milton from “Office Space.” I know, it’s horrible, but I seriously could not get out of there fast enough. Needless to say, I don’t think the parents would respond well to his teaching a class. I feel bad, I really do, because he just wants to help. But it’s so unbelievably awkward to be around him at all EVER, and I think the little kids might be alarmed by him. Not in a scary KISS sort of way, but awkward all the same. The second crazy is this woman who is now basically stalking me. She called me three times last week and then I’ve heard from her every day for the past four days. I got home from work last night and there was a message from her on my machine. So I listened for a minute, got bored, went in my room, changed my clothes, hung up my work stuff, came back out, and she was still talking. I wanted to say something like “oh for C*****’s sake,” but figured that was probably not the best choice of words for this particular situation. So instead, I apologized to the cats for making them listen to it twice, because it was soooo looong. And she talks in a really whiny monotone, if you can imagine that. She appears to think that deciding whether to teach for 50 minutes for three Sundays is a life changing, earth shattering decision. And also she’s lonely and has a desperate need for attention. I’m thinking I’m going to skip her as a teacher as well. Beggars can’t be choosers, they say? Oh, I beg to differ.

The whole experience reminds me of my favorite line in “Shanghai Noon” where Owen Wilson says “I may not know karate, but I know ka-razy, and I’m not afraid to use it!” It’s true. I also know ka-razy, and I have a feeling I’ll have to break it out soon to deal with these people.

27 comments:

Van! said...

hmmmmmm

Thomas said...

I have always wanted to meet Gene Simmons.

appsdshell said...

Gene Simmons is crazy. I can't believe that they are actually letting him teach children music! Have you seen that show? Besides the fact that who know what kind of disease he has, he's slept with something like 4,000 women! That's like sleeping with a different woman every single day for almost 11 years!!!! Or sleeping with 11 different women for an entire year! Either way, it's just gross.

Have fun with the crazies! At least they make great blogging stories.

allison said...

Amber I have an aunt that is exactly...to a tee.....like the woman you describe. She lived with my grandparents until they died and now she lives in a townhouse by herself. She is extremely lonely and knows everyone's name at the grocery store. When you first meet her you automatically know something isn't right.

She volunteers at the Catholic Church down the street but is barely capable of doing so. I know she called the lady 100 times..(that's what she does to me except its to tell me that at 7:00 next tuesday on NBC the ice skating is on). She is very sensitive so I have to be very careful. The best thing you can do for this lady is try to avoid letting her volunteer. Once you start talking to her she probably imagines that you are her bestest friend and will call non-stop. be very careful. I only know this b/c of my sweet aunt but it is a disease that's OCD times 100. This woman probably has family who are rude and don't want to deal with her. Do not be mistaken.....people like that need to be on medication. If you need more info you can e-mail me

apsblog@gmail.com

sorry for the long post but i have been dealing with a similar situation my entire life.

Thomas said...

You should tell that guy to leave you alone and go watch "The 40 year-old Virgin" or something.

beckibee said...

Just tell the volunteers you actually need their help serving snack to the kids instead. Then they'll feel useful but won't be the ones teaching.

Cheryl said...

If you have to use that guy, just get him a red stapler, he can go off and be with it.

This was so hilarious though. And you be choosy. As for Ms. Whiny voice? Well I have the same thing at work. I wanna tell this guy your nose is not for talking through-that is what his mouth is for.

Wombat & Aspen said...

You should have asked Gene if you could french him for a minute or two...
:) Midwest
www.kissnblog.com

karly540marco said...

damn good blog, check out mine http://juicyfruiter.blogspot.com, comments always welcome!

Stephanie said...

Ha ha ha! Our church families can often leave us wondering, "what the crap did I get myself into?". But those are the people that keep us on our toes, that's for sure! We have a guy at my church.. we'll just call him M.M... he's round like violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (no eggageration) and ALWAYS wants to hug you. If that weren't bad enough, he insists on singing solos for services, and when he gets up there, he winds up doing a "round-em-up cowboy" type jig that should just not be done on stage. In front of people. Ever. Period. But alas, the crazies do make for really good stories!

The Zombie Lama said...

I think you should set up Ms. Whiney Voice with Milton. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me.

The Husband said...

you write some very long blogs. its seems like gene simmons is doing whatever he can to hold onto his KISS days. is the guy desparate for money...i heard he auctioned off a ton of memorabilia. ps- i'm looking forward to meeting you at the FTMOCS convention!

Thomas said...

Stephanie, no wonder Democrats hate the church.

Rico said...

My lord, do we go to the same church? Is it just me or does there always seem to be those, "Not quite all there" type of people hanging out at church? God bless us, each and every one.

Stephanie said...

Thomas- explain to me why the democrats hate the church?

Rico- sooooooo true. But for as many "not quite there people", there are just as many great ones. Horse a piece.

Timmortal said...

Gene Simmons and Church. This may the first post that combines the two.

dasi said...

Church volunteers make me nervous. Actually, CHURCH makes me nervous. Which is why I keep my relationship with God on a personal level… But I agree with beckabee – let them serve cookies and juice. Just never leave anything edible or drinkable unattended around them…

Kiki said...

Oh yikes! That's scary.

Is it me or do some people think Gene Simmons is going to your church? These were two seperate events right? Did I miss something?

Skip those two people they sound like weirdos.

Rachwell said...

ooo, that is hysterical...Milton is the worst. My mom is in charge of the children's services on Sunday's and just the Kindergarten class has almost 100 kids. It's amazing how many people drop their kids off and refuse to help, they think it's their own personal free day care...good luck!

Kendra said...

Why didn't you ask me to volunteer at the church? It was the jfc thing wasn't it? I knew that would hurt my chances...

Van! said...

Hey whats wrong with Milton? 10 hours a week huh? Church... yea! You need me :-)

So what do you think about a single dad! Thats wants to dip your in warm carmel...and lick it off ;-)

Thomas said...

Well I saw Tom DeLay give a speech where he said Democrats wanted to ban the Bible.

And I believed him.

Van! said...

Scary kiss?? HMMMMMM! Tell you what I can help you...get over all these issues... COME BID ON ME! I will give ya a scary kiss ;-)

undercover celebrity said...

I always feel so sorry for those people. They're just trying to feel needed and they even get rejected at church.

Stephanie, I am cracking up at the round-em-up-cowboy dancing soloist at your church! I don't know if it's actually as great as the mental image I have... :)

Kris said...

I was about to say something else in my comment, but now I can't get the image of Owen Wilson out of my head . . . I should go now.

Jenn said...

Haha, that's too cute that you were afraid of KISS. I actually saw them in concert not too long ago and they still put on a great show. More entertaining than just rocking out, but good nonetheless.

Hope you enjoy the second job. Hopefully the crazies learn a thing or two from a beautiful lady such as yourself.

Stephanie said...

Undercover: Definitely as funny as it sounds. Just think: Entire congregation of 300-400 people doing everything in thier power to stifle giggles. Not good.