If you are a freak, you will fall in love with me

I’m not sure why, but I seem to have a gift for attracting the freakshows from my high school. You may remember him and him and who could forget him, and so with the addition of the guy I’m about to tell you about, well, we’re four for four.

Against my better judgment, I have a profile on myspace. I got it primarily because a bunch of my youth group kids are on there and also my brother and it’s easy to keep in touch that way. That’s the only reason. Anyway.

So I get an email last month from this guy whose screen name is “Brother D.” Also, even though it’s killing me, I am leaving the punctuation (OR LACK THEREOF) as he wrote it. Because he’s an idiot. Geez – would it kill you to use punctuation?

Nov 30, 2005
Subject: Call or write me any time just to chat
*his phone number was here*

I would love to talk to you sometime...just to make up for the distant past when I didn't try harder to talk to [hit on] you...or email me at your leisure at *his email was here*

ps this is what you get for posting your profile at Bear Creek!

have a swell day

So first of all, I was like “Who the hell is this?” and then I was like “Hit on me? Really? Is that the best you can do?” So I looked him up in one of my yearbooks, and vaguely remembered who he was. He hung out with some guys I knew – I actually went to prom with one of them – and also one of his friends on myspace is Karen’s brother, so I figured “eh, I’ll send him a response.” So I sent him something like “Nice to hear from you, what have you been up to” -- that kind of thing. I received this back (edited for length):

December 1, 2005
Subject: RE: Call or write me any time just to chat

Thanks for responding -- I confess I was totally nervous about opening this reply of yours...I am still a little shy, but I have better learned when to speak my mind. (Did I mention you look very pretty and very sweet in your pictures?)

please dont think anything bad about my emails, obviously im just trying to be cute. no scary pressure k? k! hope to chat more soon! D

I called Karen and told her about it, and she’s like “DO NOT talk to him. He’s the biggest loser and I can’t stand him.” She said more, but really, you get the gist. So I was like “good to know” and decided not to respond to the email. Oh, and when he mentions in there about “no scary pressure,” what he forgot to mention was that he was saving the scary for later.

Ok. So far, all of this is pretty lame and harmless. And then I get email number three, entitled “Church?” I linked it because it’s too damn long and also I didn’t want to offend anyone who might not want to read the preaching of Crazy Boy.

Even though I had already decided not to communicate with Crazy Boy, well, this email cemented it. I cannot tell you how irritated I was by it. The arrogance was staggering. I sent it to Beth, after telling her the story and she’s like “I thought you were exaggerating, but now I see that you are not – not even a little.” Yes. So I didn’t respond, and yet? Two days later, I get email number four:

Dec 5, 2005
Subject: Hi there
How is Amber. You dont write, you don't call...should I be worried? just kidding...msg me when you can!

Worried about what? Worried that I think you’re a complete nutcase? Worried that your overbearing presumptuous preaching made me gag? If that’s what you mean, then yes – you should be worried.

Dec 7, 2005
Subject: CALL ME
*his phone number was here*

Are you kidding me? I haven’t responded to the past three emails and so you think that if you tell me to CALL YOU, I’m going to? And also? FYI? The capital letters scream “desperation.”

Dec 13, 2005
Subject: RE: RE: Call or write me any time just to chat
you arent writing and you arent calling...so I am curious...do you already have a boyfriend?

WHAT? I think I might have laughed out loud at this one, for two reasons. One is because in his head, the only possible explanation for me not responding to him is because I have a boyfriend. It couldn’t be because he’s a big weirdo – no, no it has to be because I’m with someone already. And two? The arrogance shines through because he clearly thinks that if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I’d totally pick him. I love how he assumes that I would. LO-SER.

Dec 15, 2005
Subject: long time no hear
long time no hear...dont i even get any clues...?

I might have laughed out loud again. Because dude? I wish you WOULD get a clue.

I finally realized that this guy would be getting no clues. Clearly he doesn’t understand that when he sends me SEVEN emails and I only respond to the first one, maybe, JUST MAYBE I’m not interested in talking to him. Apparently the whole “not writing, not calling” bit I was doing wasn’t OBVIOUS enough. So I sent him an email telling him that I didn’t like the preachy email he sent me, because I felt that it was presumptuous, considering he doesn’t know me at all. I also said that I thought he was too pushy. I ended it by saying I would appreciate it if he didn’t contact me again. So of course, he responds with “I see you have a lot to learn…no worries.” Dude, I am so not worried. And speaking of having a lot to learn? You clearly need to brush up on your reading comprehension, since you seem to not understand the whole “don’t contact me again” concept. Just to be safe, I blocked him from contacting me. Freak. Show.