Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I could never top this funeral.

So most of the funerals I’ve been to have been very solemn, rather formal affairs. I don’t have to explain it – I’m sure you’ve been to a funeral before. And save for a couple of funerals, I don’t generally remember them. They’re not something you necessarily want to remember.

HOWEVER, there is one funeral that will live in infamy. It was early at my job, so I wasn’t miserable and disillusioned yet. I was working with the Governor’s office to plan a huge event, and so I spent a lot of time downtown with the government people. This particular office had a staff mostly of people around my age – and so it turned out to be pretty fun. I also developed the biggest crush on the guy I will forever refer to as “MyBoyfriendJB” – it’s all one word. Yes it is. And to this day, when I talk to him, I still call him by his first and last name. I don’t know why. I just do. Oh, and that’s also where I met Big Blond Boyfriend for the first time. So between JB, BBB and the hot intern Adam, well, let’s just say spending lots of time with these guys was NOT a hardship.

Did I mention this event was huge? It was obviously not something we could do on our own, and so we had an event planning company helping. The lady who ran it was so sweet – very motherly and fun and just really cool. We’ll call her Lynn. One day, I was probably sitting in JB’s office (because that’s what I did most days – distracted him from his work and tried not to pass out because he was so damn cute) and we found out that Lynn’s husband had died suddenly of a heart attack. It was very sad, and since we all totally loved her, we were all going to go to the funeral.

Lynn and her husband lived in a small mountain town, and the funeral was going to be at their house. We trooped up there – the boys in suits and ties, the girls in appropriate office wear. I had on a black skirt, black jacket and heels, which was mistake one. It was fricking hot and also? Walking down a gravel driveway in heels is nearly impossible without landing on your ass. I did it, but it was touch and go for a minute. Lynn’s yard is beautiful – huge, with big trees, flowers, and everything was so green. There were tons of chairs set up, and also tents set up with food and drinks. So the girls and I went and found seats, kind of toward the back of the yard. There were a LOT of people there – basically the whole town plus lots of people from the adjoining small towns, and so the seats started filling up. This guy came and sat down in front of us, and set his Pepsi under his chair. This is when two things happened. First, he flashed us the biggest expanse of plumber’s crack I NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN as he leaned over, and second, the reason he was leaning over was so he could get the bottle of Jack Daniels out of his pocket to add to his Pepsi. Wow. Ok. Whatever, it’s a mountain town. I can get past the Jack. What I couldn’t get past was the crack. His shirt was hiked up and the crack? Still very visible. And he’s sitting right in front of me, so I can’t stop looking. Gah. MY EYES!! After about 5 minutes of torture, I got up and went and stood next to JB back by the kegs. Yes, the kegs. And because he’s ever the gentleman, JB got me a beer. I needed it, just so I could start getting the memory of Captain Cracktastic out of my head.

The service was kind of long – I think. We were people watching and not paying a lot of attention. And there was beer. Anyway, after it was over, people were milling around, eating and drinking, and I see JB and Adam looking at this one lady fairly closely. JB says “She posed in Playboy” and I’m like “Seriously? You read it so intently that you recognize the bunnies?” Then he proceeds to tell me that she was also the former mayor of another nearby mountain town – which is quite a story in itself, but suffice it to say, she left office under a cloud of crazy. And then posed for Playboy. Interesting career path, but hey, ok. So she comes over and I can’t exactly remember how she started talking to JB and Adam, but I think they probably struck up a conversation using a suave line such as “Hey! You posed in Playboy!”

And immediately, this woman, who has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers, is in her mid-forties, and kind of looks like the term “rode hard and put away wet” totally applies to her, is ALL OVER Adam. She’s touching his chest and playing with his tie and smoothing his shirt. She’s looking up at him and flirting and blinking and “accidentally” brushing his arm with her fake boobs. If by “brushing” you mean “pressing very obviously”. It was hilarious and horrifying and pathetic, all at once. We seriously didn’t know whether it was so wrong that we should do something about it, or if we should stay out of it and pay close attention in order to make sure Adam never lived it down. We chose the last one. Because what’s not fun about teasing the gorgeous 21 year old boy about the time the skanky woman who was easily twice his age was pretty much trying to do him in the yard. Right after a funeral. That’s comedy GOLD, people. And also, most of us had to walk away in order not to laugh out loud right in front of her, so we couldn’t have helped him anyway. Awesome.

So yeah. Definitely the most interesting funeral ever. I had forgotten about the Adam part until the other day when I was talking to JB. I can’t believe I forgot – but apparently I could only remember so much after the memory of Cracker Jack was burned into my brain. Ew.

20 comments:

Kyahgirl said...

ew for cracker jack guy and ew for the skanky bunny!!! Your stories are hilarious Amber! :-)

Cheryl said...

lol. That is a hilarous story especially for a funeral.

Edge said...

It was like Wedding Crashers, but at a funeral.

I just kept singing, "Jimmy CRACK corn and I don't care ..."

Youmay have to produce an obituary for me to believe that one, if I wasn't at work I would be rolling on the floor.

~Jef

Leesa said...

I once attended a funeral (very solumn), and afterwards, at the house of the family, it was like "stand up comedy." I did not know the deceased, but after attending the party afterwards, I wish I had!

Sass said...

Just goes to show, it doesn't matter where you live, plastic surgery and rednecks are everywhere.

Great Story Amber, i think that's how funerals should be to a degree. A celebration of life and all the funny stories that go along with it.

Whinger said...

Ew indeed.
It's weird how Playboy will mess with your career like that.

Chief Slacker said...

It's always the bad things that get burned in. It sucks. I guess the moral is comedy is short lived, but crack is forever? ;O)

Jill said...

That's priceless. I also would have been taking mental notes to torture him with. On a less funny note, my boyfriend got propositioned by an old fat guy in gold chains in the gym locker room yesterday. I think he's traumatized.

Hope said...

I've been to several funerals in the south, and somehow none were quite so colorful as this one.

I love the Crack and Jack jokes. Ha!

Antonio said...

Wow! As someone who's gone to about four funerals in his life, I might need to make it out to more of them.

Okie said...

Sweet. I want kegs at my funeral. Kegs and Willie Nelson songs.

I went to the funeral of a huge OU fan once where they played "Boomer Sooner" as everybody walked by the casket.

Paul said...

Funerals are awesome, in a somber awesomeish way.

Alice said...

oh amber... you had me at "captain cracktastic"... :-)

The Other Half said...

a cracker jack is bigger than the raisin that mine has turned into!!!

My New Blog!

A Unique Alias said...

Oh, hadn't you heard? Funerals are the new meat-markets.

Miladysa said...

OMGG!!! ROFLMAO!!!

"And immediately, this woman, who has had more plastic surgery than Joan Rivers, is in her mid-forties, and kind of looks like the term “rode hard and put away wet” totally applies to her, is ALL OVER Adam."

Ha!!!

Stephanie said...

What what WHAT?!?! That's awful! All of it! Just awful!

Sandra said...

I just don't believe these guys don't "realize" their asses are hanging out. How can you not feel the draft!!!??

Romeo Jensen said...

okay that was just wrong

Marie said...

I can't believe I didn't catch this post until NOW. LOL!!!