Coming out of the woodwork

I saw Gene Simmons from KISS the other night. I was at a party at the Marriott, and I heard he was in the bar, but as I was busy having some vodka tonics at the OTHER bar, I did not see him. However, when I was leaving, I looked over at the concierge desk, and there he was, using the computer. He’s scary. When I was little, I was deathly afraid of KISS because of the frightening hair and makeup and possibly the outfits. They may have looked a little too much like clowns to me, and I HATE CLOWNS! Now he’s just scary because he’s old, but he does have nice teeth. I’m sure he’s a very nice man. He certainly is a hell of a businessman. Anyway, that was my brush with fame.

So I can’t remember if I said this already, but I got a second job. Because I just didn’t have enough to do. It’s very part time – like 10 hours a week – not overly demanding, and I figure I could use the extra cash. I am now the Education Director at my church, which means I’m in charge of getting volunteers to teach Sunday School every week. This should not be difficult, because we have a ton of kids who have parents and grandparents who are willing to help, and also, I know everyone and will make them feel reeeeally bad if they don’t help. Because that’s the Christian thing to do, right?

Unfortunately, the people who have been volunteering to help have been primarily crazies. First is the creepiest guy ever. He’s not creepy in a “serial rapist and/or pedophile” way, he’s just creepy in an “I’m almost 40, I live with my mother and have absolutely zero social skills” kind of way. He’s the kind of guy who, if he wants to talk to you, will come up to you while you’re chatting with someone else and stand there until it’s impossible for you and the person you’re talking to to ignore him anymore. He’s a lurker, a skulker and a close talker, plus, he dresses in the strangest outfits. Like I said, he’s harmless, but weird all the same. So the day I announce that we need volunteers, he catches me out in the parking lot. Luckily, I was with Dane, and so it was markedly less “wheird.” His mom pulls up in their car and rolls down her window and he leans over from the passenger side to tell me he would volunteer. So I was like “Great! I’ll definitely keep you in mind!” while thinking “Oh No. Ohnonononononono.” So normally, people would be like “Ok, great, just let me know!” No sir, not him. His mom starts talking to Dane and so the guy gets out of the car and comes around to talk to me. He’s like “Icould help with cooking. Or science. Or games. Or computers.” It went on like that, and he reminds me of a more annoying version of Milton from “Office Space.” I know, it’s horrible, but I seriously could not get out of there fast enough. Needless to say, I don’t think the parents would respond well to his teaching a class. I feel bad, I really do, because he just wants to help. But it’s so unbelievably awkward to be around him at all EVER, and I think the little kids might be alarmed by him. Not in a scary KISS sort of way, but awkward all the same. The second crazy is this woman who is now basically stalking me. She called me three times last week and then I’ve heard from her every day for the past four days. I got home from work last night and there was a message from her on my machine. So I listened for a minute, got bored, went in my room, changed my clothes, hung up my work stuff, came back out, and she was still talking. I wanted to say something like “oh for C*****’s sake,” but figured that was probably not the best choice of words for this particular situation. So instead, I apologized to the cats for making them listen to it twice, because it was soooo looong. And she talks in a really whiny monotone, if you can imagine that. She appears to think that deciding whether to teach for 50 minutes for three Sundays is a life changing, earth shattering decision. And also she’s lonely and has a desperate need for attention. I’m thinking I’m going to skip her as a teacher as well. Beggars can’t be choosers, they say? Oh, I beg to differ.

The whole experience reminds me of my favorite line in “Shanghai Noon” where Owen Wilson says “I may not know karate, but I know ka-razy, and I’m not afraid to use it!” It’s true. I also know ka-razy, and I have a feeling I’ll have to break it out soon to deal with these people.